


Keep dreaming you'll be with me (cause I'll stop breathing if I don't see you anymore)

by thetruthshallsetyoufree



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Almost everyone is a jerk, And everyone should want to beat Michael, But Harry's a confused sweetheart, But in the last chapter there's a surprise, But not between Harry/Louis, Everyone thinks Louis is dead, Extremely based off 13 Reasons Why, It's a lot like the books okay, M/M, Melissa is another one you'll want to just hug I promise, Only this has a happy ending, Parties, Rape, Sad with a Happy Ending, Sad!Louis, Scared!Harry, Shawn is just so huggable, Suicide Attempt, Suicide tapes, Top!Harry, Underage Drinking, and it's a happy ending for Harry and Louis, audio tapes, bottom!Louis, depressed!louis, hero!Harry, mentions of domestic violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-07-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:00:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 46,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23871283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetruthshallsetyoufree/pseuds/thetruthshallsetyoufree
Summary: Hello, everyone. Boys and girls and whatnot. Louis Tomlinson here, live and talking to you from whatever device you’ve managed to find. There’s no return engagements, no encore and trust me when I say absolutely no requests.No. Harry couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t actually real right now.I mean, one request I guess. But we’ll get to that later. Right now I just hope you’re ready. Because I’m about to tell you all the story of my life. I guess, more specifically, why I chose to end it.Louis Tomlinson killed himself.Two weeks ago today. This couldn’t be happening.And if you’re listening to my voice right now, well then...you’re one of the reasons why.Extremely based off 13 Reasons Why only with a happy ending you don't see coming until the last chapter.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30





	1. Prologue

“Next.”

Harry Styles walked over to the counter, placing the package down gently and silently. He slid it across to the young woman and rubbed two fingers, hard, over his left eyebrow as if to soothe his headache. The clerk grabbed the package with a snap of her gum. The same package that Harry found resting on his porch after school not even twenty-four hours ago; which he had wrapped in crumpled brown paper and sealed with clear packing tape. It looked nearly identical to the way he received it as well. The only difference was the name written on the paper; the name that had followed Harry’s on this torturous list. 

“Sir?” The young woman repeats, with raised eyebrows. “I asked how fast you’d like for it to arrive?”

“I guess whatever’s fastest,” Harry said softly. “Um, how much is it?” 

Harry watched as she placed the small package on a little rubber pad and punched in a few buttons. She raised up a few fingers and Harry tossed a couple folded bills in her direction. He took an extra long sip from his forgotten coffee, wincing at the cold liquid that slid down his throat. He turned to the side and tossed the half full cup into the empty trashcan. He felt exhausted, but that wasn’t the right way to wake him up. 

“It should arrive at this address tomorrow afternoon,” she told him dully. She turned and dropped it into the cart behind her. There was just a brief moment where Harry thought he maybe should have waited another day to send it, just so Zayn could have one final day of peace. 

A different part of Harry didn’t think he deserved it, though.

When he gets home tomorrow he’ll find a suspicious package on his doorstep. He’ll take it into his room just like Harry had before tearing it open. Harry was sure it’d confuse him at first, but once he got on with it he’d never be the same. Like Harry knew he’d never be the same as he was yesterday. 

“Would you like your receipt?” 

He shook his head. 

The young woman grabbed the paper from the printer and tossed it underneath the counter. Harry wondered for a second if maybe saying no was a mistake. If anything, maybe he should keep that as a reminder of what exactly changed his life. Yet if he wanted a reminder Harry would’ve thought to make a copy of these tapes. And he knew deep down there was no way he wanted anything around to remind him even more of what he had just heard. 

These people he would have to see and pass every single day in school would be enough to remind him for the rest of the year. 

It’s out of his control now, that package will arrive to Zayn’s tomorrow and there’s nothing more he can do. So Harry turns to leave the post office without the receipt. And still, beneath his left eyebrow his head pounded viciously. Every time he swallowed he got a taste of something sour. But he kept walking toward the school, and every step he took maybe his legs wobble even more. 

He felt the need to collapse, wanted to fall right there on the sidewalk and maybe never stand back up. It would give him an excuse not to go to school that day. Because he knew the secrets behind the front door that he didn’t know of just yesterday. And the moment he reached the school he would see Mr. Higgins waiting just outside as students filed into the doors as they did every single morning.

Mr. Higgins. The guidance counselor Harry would walk right past, knowing that he’d be the last one to receive the tapes. And that his life will surely be ruined. Then, Harry would walk to his locker to trade in his books. He’ll slid through the groups of students to first period English and take his seat at the far end second to last seat.

And in the middle of the room will be the desk of Louis Tomlinson.

Once again, empty.

  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Cassette 1: Side A

Cassette 1: Side A

One Hour After School

When he reached the front doorstep the first thing he noticed was a little package on the glass door at an odd angle. It was wrapped messily in brown paper and loopy handwriting scribbled the address right in the middle, addressing it to Harry Styles, so Harry picked it up and head inside.

He took the package into the kitchen, letting his backpack fall to the floor as he set it on the counter. He slid the junk drawer open and pulled out a pair of scissors to easily rip the package from the paper. Instead was a little shoebox, dented and torn. He pulled the bubblewrap from the inside and discovered seven loose audiotape.

It was confusing to him, since no one this century used audiotapes anymore. He noticed that each tape had different numbers scribbled in the upper right hand corner with a pink marker. He kept wondering who would send him a box full of audio tapes, he didn’t see any return address. Did he even own anything to listen to these with?

He ran his fingers along the length of the box, placing the bubble wrap back in before it all clicked. 

The garage! There was an old stereo out back he was sure still worked. Sometimes he could hear his dad using it from where he lay in his room. Harry moved the box to the garage, dragging an old stool in front of the workbench. He pressed Eject on the player and a plastic door eases open so he’s able to slide in the first tape. 

_ Hello, everyone. Boys and girls and whatnot. Louis Tomlinson here, live and talking to you from whatever device you’ve managed to find. There’s no return engagements, no encore and this trust me when I say absolutely no requests. _

No. Harry couldn’t believe it. This wasn’t actually real right now.

_ I mean, one request I guess. But we’ll get to that later. Right now I just hope you’re ready. Because I’m about to tell you all the story of my life. I guess, more specifically, why I chose to end it.  _

Louis Tomlinson killed himself.

Two weeks ago today. This couldn’t be happening. 

_ And if you’re listening to my voice right now, well then...you’re one of the reasons why.  _

No. No.  _ No. _

Harry felt his body begin to shake as memories of the past four years came rushing back. 

_ Look, I’m not saying which tape will bring any of you into this story. That’s not how this is going to work. We’re playing by my rules now. But fear not, I assure you if you received this lovely box then your name will pop up. I promise.  _

_ Ah, that makes me think of this joke I heard recently. Ready? Why would a dead guy lie? _ _  
  
_

Harry couldn’t help but wonder if this was some sick, twisted suicide note of some sort. 

_ Because he can’t stand up. _

Harry heard a soft chuckle from Louis, the sound caused his toes to curl with discomfort. There were so many questions. Before Louis died he recorded a bunch of tapes for us, but why? Why would someone go through that much trouble just to end it a few days later?

_ Come on, I thought it was pretty funny. Oh well, maybe not your sense of humor. But anyway, let’s get this show on the road. The rules for these tapes are pretty simple. The first rule is: You listen. The second: You pass it on. And I sincerely hope neither of them will be easy for you.  _

“What’re you listening to?”

“Mom!” Harry exclaimed. He reached over to press the pause button as fast as he could, already feeling the sweat begin to form at the thought of being caught with something so traumatic. When he turned around to face her he was thankful to see her just as oblivious as when she must have entered the house. “Mom, you scared me. It’s nothing just a school project.”

And there it was. The lie that always seemed to get him away with anything. A phone call he didn’t want his parents to know about, it’s about a school project. A party that’ll cause him to be out most the night, it’s because he had to stay late at a friends house to finish a school project. 

“Can I listen?” She took a a couple steps further into the garage.

“It’s not mind,” Harry answered hastily. “It’s for a friend. I’m just double checking it for him. It’s pretty boring.”

The smile that grew on her face was almost heartbreaking. She leant over to kiss his cheek. “Very nice of you. I’ll leave you to it then.” 

Harry waited until he saw the door shut fully behind her and he could hear the footsteps growing further away before he turned back to the stereo. With a long, deep breath he turned the volume down and reached over to press play.

_ When you’re all finished listening to the thirteen different stories on these tapes - because we all know there are thirteen sides of every good story - then just pass it on to the person that follows your little tale. And as for you, lucky number thirteen, you can take these tapes straight to hell. _

_ Hey, who knows. Maybe I’ll even see you there. _

There was a fire in his voice Harry had never heard before, and it caused shivers to trail down his spine. 

_ And before I forget I should tell you I did make a copy of these tapes. And I left them with someone I grew to have a little comfort with. And he knows that if these tapes don’t make it through to all thirteen of you then it’ll be time he makes them public. And believe me when I say if that happens it’ll ruin some lives. Maybe even cause a little jail time for a few. Who knows.  _

There was a chilling pause. In which Harry could hear the soft sounds of Louis’ breathing. It hurt him more than he thought possible, because he knew now that Louis was no longer breathing. 

_ This was not a spur-of-the-moment decision. I will not let any of you take me for granted. Again, anyway. _

Louis couldn’t have thought Harry ever took him for granted. There was always something there, something more between them. He really thought Louis felt it too. 

_ You are being watched. _

Harry feels his stomach jolt. Nearby there’s a plastic garbage can. He reaches over and tugs it next to him, preparing just in case he feels the urge and can’t hold back. 

The truth was Harry didn’t know Louis as well as he would’ve liked. They worked together at the local movie theater, and that’s where Harry began to fall in love. But he was afraid. Harry had always been a more quiet kind of boy. He liked to keep to himself, study and stay out of the necessary drama. And Louis...well, he always seemed different.

It was like wherever he went drama was close behind. 

And then there was that party, back in junior year where they managed to get alone and made out for a bit. But there hadn’t ever been a chance for them to get any closer. Besides that they never really spoke, and there was never a time Harry took him for granted. Not once. 

She was wrong. These tapes made a mistake. There was no way he could’ve been on them. Someone must have been pulling a terrible joke on him. 

Although he checked already he decided to one more time. He filled the wrapping over and looked desperately for a return address. Nothing. He still couldn’t believe this. Louis Tomlinsons’ suicide tapes were really getting passed around town. 

_ Throughout these tapes I’ll be mentioning several significant spots around town. If you’d like to really join in on the experiences with me you can follow me around and really try to feel everything I was feeling in those moments. Or maybe you’d rather lock yourself in your room to listen. Honestly, it’s completely up to you. There’s a great chance I’ll probably never know what you decide.  _

There was a long pause. 

_ Or maybe I will. Who knows, maybe I’m actually standing behind you right now.  _

Harry scooted closer to the workbench and rested his elbows along the hard surface. He dropped his head into the palms of his hands and rand his fingers through his sweaty curls with a painful grunt. 

_ Sorry, sorry. I guess that wasn’t exactly fair. _

_ Are you ready, Mr. Payne? _

Liam. Liam Payne. He was captain of the football team, one of the most gorgeous and popular guys in school. He was also Louis’ first kiss all the way back in freshman year. Harry was never totally sure what happened between those two, he felt it was none of his business. But he heard Liam say some terrible things, which seemed out of character for him. 

Liam was always extremely nice to Harry. 

_ Liam, love, as you well know you were my first ever kiss. My first hand I held. My first real crush. It’s weird, looking back at it now, cause you were never more than an average guy. And I don’t say that to be mean-really, I don’t. It’s just truth time now. And the truth is I’m not sure what me and all the other girls or guys saw in you. _

_ I don’t know if maybe it was because you were captain of the football team, and we always somehow made it to finals. Maybe it was because of your cocky attitude, like you were hot and you knew it. How you always had a group of friends following you. But for some reason you were desirable to anyone you came across.  _

_ But seriously. Let’s for just one moment take that all away from you. Say you were just a regular student, went home every day after class and smiled in the halls and stuck around two or three close friends. Then everything we think we like about you is gone, and we can see you for who you really are. Average. _

Harry followed in her footsteps, letting his eyes close as he pictured Liam just like everyone else. And...he was right. He didn’t seem as gorgeous anymore as someone who could be just like him. And Harry began to wonder why all these years he thought there was something so pretty about the football captain.

_ Back then I didn’t realize that though. And Freshmen year, when I had just moved to town I developed quite the little girl crush on you. _

_ You don’t know this, but three years ago when we were freshmen I used to follow you around. Until I learned your schedule. And then I figured out the ways to take from class each day so that I could pass by you in the halls.  _

_ It’s weird to think some old freshmen crush has such relevance for this. I really went back as far as you to find the right introduction to my story. And this is it. This is really where it all started.  _

Harry couldn’t stop the curiosity. If this was where it started where would he wind up being dragged into this story? Where would his role come into play? 

_ And when you finally get to the end of these tapes, Liam, I really hope you’re able to understand why you became such a big part of my story. It might seem like nothing now but in the end it’ll matter. Because in the end every little thing matters.  _

_ Betrayal, it’s one of the worst feelings. _

_ I think part of me always knew you didn’t exactly mean to let me down. I think you might have actually cared for me, too. In fact-I think most of you listening had no idea what you were doing to me in those times. And now I’m sure it’s all starting to make sense. On why I had to make these tapes for you. _

_ The first story takes place at the Rocketship park. When you’re finished with this tape maybe you’ll want to head over there. Maybe, if you care enough, you’ll even see the two young boys who snuck out to meet up with each other all those years ago. You’ll see just how it started.  _

_ That park is right by my old house. The first house I lived in when we moved into the school district. I didn’t spend too much time there, by the next year we had already moved a couple blocks over. _

_ But that’s where I was living the first time I saw you, Liam. _

_ I’m sure you’ll remember but I used to have a neighbor, Cher, who had a huge thing for you back then. She came over to my house one day and was texting you, telling you to come over. It’s ridiculous, because she lived right next door but we were at my house cause she didn’t want you to know where she lived just yet.  _

_ You said you were just finishing a football game with some friends, but after you and one of your buddies would stop by to hang. So we sat by my window for a half hour, giggling and gossiping about the students I had yet to meet. But mostly, about you. And although she was the only person I met in town so far I felt like I began to have a little thing for you just from what I was hearing.  _

That sounds about right, Harry thought. Most people could begin to have a thing for Liam just from hearing about it. Now it was something Harry couldn’t understand. 

These stories must be really bad, really really bad. It was the only reason he could think of that people were actually listening to her rules. It was not because of respect, but out of fear. 

It still just didn’t make any sense to him, even after the explanation. Why would someone really go through all this trouble to mail out a bunch of tapes blaming others for your suicide? But Louis obviously wants us, everyone on this list, to hear what he has to say. And we’ll listen. We’ll keep passing them on because we want to keep them away from those not on the list.

The list.

It sounded like poison to Harry’s ears. Like some sort of exclusive club that for some reason he was now a part of. 

_ And right after a half hour passed is when I finally saw you. You began walking across the grass with your friend-hi Ashton!-in front, heading up toward my door.  _

Ashton? Ashton Irwin? Harry tried to think back to a time he saw Louis and Ashton together, but he was coming up blank.

_ What neither of you realized was the sprinklers had been on earlier and your friend slipped on the way up, falling forward to the ground. You were too late, tripping over him and joining him on the grass. _

_ You both stood up so fast, looking around to make sure no one saw before sprinting away from my house. The two of us laughed our asses off the rest of the night.  _

_ I’m sad to say before the summer ended Cher moved away, and I was left with the fear of entering a new school alone. And somehow I found myself falling in love with the boy she left behind.  _

_ And I’ve gotta say it wasn’t really that long before said boy started to show a mutual interest in me. I’m still not totally sure but it might have something to do with the fact that I made it so I was always around.  _

_ We didn’t share any classes that year, but a lot of our classrooms were in the same hall. So it was easy to time it so we’d be passing each other or walking by each other to our next class. Although for a bit there weren't any big conversations we always smiled, always said a simple ‘hi’ before going our separate ways.  _

_ But then there was the day I planned my next move. We both walked out of the first period and I saw you smile at me. But I acted uninterested, walking past you without a word. And that’s when I felt it. Your hand on my shoulder, spinning me around gently.  _

_ I have to say, it took everything in my not to squeal with anticipation. I tried my best to look confused as you said, “what, you’re not gonna say hi?” _

Harry wanted to cringe at the thought. Of course that would get Liam’s attention. He always seemed to want what didn’t come easy.

_ I let myself give a tiny smile, took a breath, then managed, “Is there a reason I should?” _

_ “Because you always say it.” _

_ I asked why you thought you suddenly knew everything about me. I mean, we hadn’t really spoken much before anyway. There was a lot you didn’t know.  _

Harry took a moment to think back to that party last year. He remembered standing outside with Louis, remembered bending down to tie his shoelace. But it was so cold his fingers wouldn’t stay still, and they felt too numb to move.

To Louis’ credit he did offer to tie them instead, but Harry brushed it off like it wasn’t that big of a deal. Instead he waited for someone to come insert themselves in the conversation. It was his usual move, and he hadn’t realized until now just how embarrassing that truly was. 

_ I asked my mom earlier that day how to get a guy’s attention. And she told me playing hard to get was the best way. So that’s what I was trying that day. Was I any good, Liam? Or could you see right through my act?  _

_ It felt like weeks went by before you finally had enough courage to ask for my number. At that point it seemed like a little game between us, so I waited patiently because I knew one day you would.  _

_ It took everything I had to stay calm. I had been practicing it in the mirror everyday after school, like I gave it out hundreds of times a day. I mean there were a few boys, some girls even, at school who asked for my number before. But I wasn’t interested in any of them, so I never actually did it before. _

_ And to be honest that day I was so nervous, I was nervous that I’d get it all right until the last number and then suddenly panic and say it wrong. I didn’t, though. I managed to give out all the numbers correctly and from the way your hand was trembling as you typed into your phone I could tell I wasn’t the only one nervous.  _

_ When you finally slipped your phone back into your pocket you smiled down at me for what felt like hours. It couldn’t have been, obviously, since we were in the middle of the hall and students were still surrounding us slowly making their way to class. After a beat you told me you’d give me a call after school. That maybe we could meet up somewhere for a bit. _

_ I agreed and then all giddily walked into my class.  _

_ That day I couldn’t wait to get home, it was all I thought about. And I couldn’t stop wondering if it was all you were thinking about too. We saw each other a few more times that day but you didn’t speak to me again.  _

Harry felt an automatic eye roll. Now Liam seemed to make perfect sense to him. He heard a few nasty things about Liam from those he dated in the past. But up until now Harry thought they were just rumors spread by angry exes. He never saw a bad side to Liam before.

_ When I got home I tried to distract myself with homework. But it was like every five seconds I kept looking at my phone, hopeful it would ring any second. And although it wasn’t as fast as I wanted it did eventually ring.  _

_ And I nearly screamed when I saw your name pop up.  _

_ I picked up the phone and tried to steady my racing heart as I greeted you. You answered back, sounding almost as anxious as I felt, and asked what I was doing. “Math homework,” I admitted with a hint of frustration in my tone. “No idea what I’m doing this year. It’s like everything’s changed.” _

_ I heard you laugh, and it was a beautiful sound at the time. You agreed with me and asked, “what’s the math problem?” _

_ And I’m still not completely sure if I got your hint right but in that moment it seemed like you were giving me some kind of invitation. So I sat up further in my chair and stated, “If Train A was leaving my house at 3:45 pm and Train B was leaving your house ten minutes later where would they meet? _

_ You didn’t see this Liam but I actually shut my eyes so tightly and bit into my bottom lip, waiting for your answer. There was a pause, and I’m not sure if you were seriously thinking about it or if I took you by surprise. But after a moment you said they meet at the Rocketship park. _

_ And that was that. The plan was set, I signed up for something I really hadn’t thought too much about. We hung up and five minutes later I was heading down the block. _

Harry remembered hearing things after the two of them broke up. And although he knew Liam was good looking he wondered what Louis ever saw in him. He thought Louis could do so much better, but even after they started working together Harry had always been too afraid to bring it up.

That was always the story of Harry’s life. He constantly let his fear ruin moments.

Harry wished he could’ve been there, could’ve told her to calm down. That maybe Liam wasn’t the right guy for him. That maybe there was a better one just inches away. 

_ Now. I know what you’re all thinking. Louis Tomlinson is a slut. _

Whoa, never. Even with all the things Harry heard he never fully believed them. Maybe it made him a little nervous, maybe part of him thought Louis was out of his league, but he never would’ve thought something like that.

_ Oops. Did you catch that? I said is. _

_ Can’t say that anymore. _

It left goosebumps on Harry’s arms. He turned the sound up just a tiny bit more and leant down to press his cheek into the cool table. What was he thinking? In that exact moment, where his eyes shut? Was he crying? It didn’t sound like it, not yet anyway.

_ Wrong.  _

No. His voice is angry. Almost trembling with rage.

_ Louis Tomlinson is not, and never was, a slut. And that’s what brings me to the next question. What exactly is it that you’ve heard? _

_ Because all I wanted that day was a kiss. I was just a little freshmen boy who liked someone and wanted to be kissed. And that day I was planning to kiss him. But that’s it. That’s the entire story right there.  _

There were so many things, Louis, Harry thought. So many things that went around school a few weeks later. 

_ I got to the park before you, Liam. And I crawled up to the top of the slide and sat down to wait. I wasn’t there for that long, maybe a minute-two at most-before I saw you walking toward the street. You were already smiling up at me, and waving. I waved back and you called out to me when you reached the bottom of the slide. _

_ “Do you want me to come up there?” _

_ “No!” I called back down. And by then my stomach was really twisting. Because I knew it was going to happen soon, and I had no idea what to expect. “I’ll come down.” _

_ There was another smile that fell on your face as you told me you’d catch me.  _

_ And that’s exactly what you did. I slid down fast, and fell into your arms. And stayed there. You looked down at me for just a few seconds before dipping your head down and pressing your lips on mine.  _

_ Now, do you wanna hear my first thought after being kissed? _

_ ‘Well, someone had been eating hotdogs. _

Oh, god. Really, Liam?

_ I mean, it wasn’t really that bad. Seriously. It was actually kinda nice. But I warned you all before this would be truth time. And that is the truth. My first thought was you had just finished lunch, Liam.  _

_ Despite that we kissed for sometime at the bottom of the slide.  _

_ And then? What happened then, Louis? Well, then Liam grabbed my hand and we walked over to the swings and we talked. For about an hour before we had to go home. And he kissed me once more, gentle and sweet, and went our separate ways. _

_ I know. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear. You were probably waiting for some juicy details about how my fingers started playing with his zipper, huh? I mean, that is what most of you heard, right?” _

Yes. That was one version that spread like wildfire around school. Harry remembered Gigi, one of the cheerleaders turned around in science to tell him the story. He wrinkled his nose and looked down at his notes, refusing to comment on the rumors. It just wasn’t his thing.

_ Well I’m so sorry. I know you wanted something sexier. Anything more than what I said, maybe a little action against the slides, or on a picnic table. Maybe you wanted to hear… _

_ Okay, what did you want to hear? Because I heard so many different stories about that day that I honestly can’t tell which one is the most popular. Though, I do know which one is the least. _

_ The truth.  _

Harry still remembered seeing Liam amongst his friends a few days later. They were all huddled together, whispering to each other. He remembered when Louis walked by they all became quiet but once he got past them the laughter started.

It fueled Harry’s rage, and dislike toward Liam. Though he pushed his feelings aside and watched as Louis pretended like he heard nothing. Watching Liam and his friends that day Harry got the sense like there was more to Louis than anyone else knew.

It was another thing that scared him. He liked him so much, but a small part of him did believe those rumors. And that small part told him again and again Louis was too experienced to ever want to be with someone like Harry.

_ So I’ve gotta say thank you, Liam. Really. Because my very first kiss was everything I dreamt of. And for the month or so that we lasted everywhere we went, everything we said, and everything you did was wonderful.  _

_ I’m not sure exactly when it changed. But next thing I knew it was over, and slowly I began to hear things. You started bragging.  _

_ A few days went by without a word, but then, like they always will, the rumors caught up to me. And everyone knows you can’t stamp out a rumor.  _

_ I know what you all must be thinking. _

_ It was a kiss that started this all? You did this to yourself because of one stupid kiss? No. Of course not. _

His voice sounded unsteady once more, like he was trying to control himself.

_ It was a rumor based on a kiss that ruined a memory for me. It was a rumor based on a kiss that started a reputation others believed in and reacted to for the next four years. It was a rumor, based on this kiss that began a snowball effect of events.  _

_ Now it’s time to turn the tape over for more. _

Harry reached for the stop button, getting ready to press down.

_ Oh, and Liam, stick around. You won’t believe where your name comes up next.  _

He held his finger over the button and listened to the soft hum in the speakers, waiting for his voice to return.

Only it never does. This tape is finished.

  
  



	3. Cassette 1: Side B

Cassette 1: Side B

Harry wasn’t sure where exactly he was headed. All he knew was he needed to get some fresh air. He walked along the sidewalk with his hands shoved in his pockets and his backpack full of audio tapes. Part of him knew when he saw Shawn outside his house, working on his old car again, that it was fate.

Shawn’s corvette was parked against the curb in front of his house, the hood was popped open and Harry could make out him and his dad leaning over the engine with a flashlight. Harry stood a little further down, watching the two of them silently. Shawn’s dad stood up and wiped his greasy hands on his stained shirt. 

“Did it break down again?” Harry finally called from the spot he was standing. They both looked over at him. “Or at this point is it really just all about the fun?”

Shawn stared at him for a moment, as if trying to read him. Then there was an uneasy smile stretching across his face. “You’re kidding me, right? It’s always fun.” Shawn flicked the flashlight off as his dad stepped back and shut the hood with a snap. They walked around the car together and Shawn said, “dad, you remember Harry right?”

His dad studied Harry for a second before nodding. “Yeah, of course. How’s it been?” He reached over to shake hands, then realized he was covered in grease and dropped it to his side before Harry could politely decline. 

Harry repeated the words over in his head. How’s it been? Oh well, since he asked nothing much. Harry just received a bunch of tapes in the mail from a boy who killed himself a couple weeks ago. A boy who he never got the courage to speak to again after that one night they shared. And that’s not even the best part. But apparently Harry did something to him. Sometime soon he’ll be hearing all about how he was one of the reasons why said boy is no longer here. But Harry was sure now Shawn had a walkman somewhere, he liked all those older devices. So since you asked, Mr. Mendes, can he borrow it and find out what exactly he did?

Harry shook the voice from his head and said, “nothing much really. I saw you guys outside and um, realized you were just who I needed to speak to, Shawn.”

Shawn was standing beside the car. Just watching him. When their eyes met again they locked, and Harry couldn’t force himself to look away. Does he know? Was Shawn on these tapes somewhere?

“Yeah,” he finally asked in more of a stated tone. Almost expecting. It made Harry sweat.

“There’s this school project for my Marine Biology class, and I was wondering if I could borrow your walkman for a day. I’ll give it back tomorrow at school.”

The long stare seemed to strengthen at Harry’s request. It began to make him feel uncomfortable the longer he was there, as if Shawn really could see right through his lies. And who knows, Harry had no clue who else was on these tapes. So maybe he could. 

Harry was freaking out. But maybe he really didn’t know. Maybe Harry just looked guilty of something and he was just picking up on that instead. 

“Yeah, sure. It’s actually in my car.” Shawn finally agreed. He was the first to break the eye contact, turning to swing his car door open and grab something from the front seat. He tossed it at Harry and slammed the door shut. “But you can take your time with it, you know. I’m in no rush to get it back.

Harry deflated instantly. “Hey, thanks. I really gotta head out. But it was great seeing you again, Mr. Mendes.”

Shawn’s dad gave him a friendly wave as he turned his back on them and began walking back down the sidewalk. He could feel Shawn’s eyes on his back, felt how they never moved from him no matter how far he got.

*~*~*

_ Welcome back everyone! I’ve gotta say, thanks for coming back for part two. I know that last one might have felt a little intense. But that’s only because you were new to this before.  _

Harry moved the walkman around his pocket just enough to turn the volume higher.

_ If you’re listening to this then I guess you’re probably one of two things. Liam, waiting to hear the next part of the story or you’re someone completely different, aching to hear who’s next. Well then… _

There was a long pause and Harry felt a bead of sweat fall from his hairline and travel down the side of his face in anticipation.

_ Stan Lucas, it’s your turn. _

Harry felt his heart rate slowing down just a little as he realized that it wasn’t his time. Not quite yet. 

_ Now come on, I’m sure you have no idea why I’d add your name to the list, right Stan? You probably thought you did me a favor. You gave me a new title in ninth grade. Best Ass of the Freshmen Class. I’m sure you’re wondering why anyone could possibly get angry about ther, right? Right? _

Harry felt his legs grow tired. He slid down to the curb, letting his shoes fall into the gutter without a second thought. Near his feet a few strings of grass had begun growing from the cement.

_ Well to that I’ve gotta say if you think I’m being silly-or nothing but a sensitive boy who freaks about the smallest things then why don’t you just throw these away? I mean, yeah, I’m pressuring you with the second set of tapes but really, who cares what you have to say about my ass?  _

Amongst the houses on these blocks, and in Harry’s house a few blocks away families are all finishing dinner. Starting the dishwasher and moving on with their lives.

In those houses, tonight, everything is completely normal.

_ Maybe you don’t care, Stan, but I can list a whole bunch who will most definitely care. There are secrets that are being shared here and people are counting on everyone who’s listening for those secrets to stay just that. _

_ Secrets.  _

_ So let’s begin, shall we? _

He curled forward so he was able to comfortably hug his legs and lay his forehead down on his knees.

_ I still remember very vividly how I was sitting in fourth period that afternoon when your list came out. Mr. Parker must have had an amazing weekend, cause when the bell rang he told us we’d be spending the period watching a movie as some sort of treat I know we never deserved.  _

_ He put on Psycho, cause Mr. Parker really loved those black and white films, and I began lazily doodling on my binder. I zoned out the movie and overtime the sounds where nothing more than background noise.  _

_ Well, the sounds...and the whispers. _

_ When I finally looked up, the whispers stopped. And any eyes that were looking at me turned away. But I managed to make out the piece of paper that was still sliding from desk to desk. Eventually it made its way to the boy who sat behind me-Charlie Puth-and I heard him let out a long, nasty snicker.  _

_ I heard a chair creaking, as if he bent forward to take a peek over his desk before whispering, “oh you bet it is.” _

Harry’s fingers tightened their hold on his pants and he gritted his teeth angrily. Fuck you, Charlie, he thought. You disgusting slimy pig.

_ Someone else whispered that he was being an idiot. _

_ I turned around, sitting up straight in my hair and asked him, “you bet what is?” _

_ Charlie, who’ll drink up any attention he can receive, gave a half smile and glanced down at the list. I spun it around on his desk. FRESHMEN CLASS: WHO’S HOT/WHO’S NOT. And let me tell you at the point I could hear Mr. Parker got out from his chair and began to make his way over to our side of the room. I was panicking, desperately searching for my name. _

_ Just as he was reaching over to swipe the list from Charlie’s desk I caught a glimpse.  _

Harry remembered that day. Later when Louis had passed him in the halls he took a look back over his shoulder. And he remembered agreeing with it, Louis most definitely belonged in that category. 

_ After a few minutes I managed to gain the nerve to look around, and snuck a peek at the other side of the room. And yup, as expected I saw Gigi Hadid looking downright pissed.  _

_ Why? Because right next to my name, but in the not column, was hers.  _

_ I saw the way her pencil tapped against her notebook and her face was burning. My only thought? Thank god this was the only class I had with her.  _

_ Let’s have another moment of hurtful truth. Hurtful for me, anyway. Because in reality Gigi Hadid was much, much prettier than me. If you wrote up a truthful list to compare every body part between us I know she would beat me out in every category. _

He disagreed. The entire way down Harry would mark Louis as the winner. There wasn’t even a fair shot for Gigi.

_ Ask anyone and they knew that Worst Ass in the Freshman Class was a lie. You can’t even consider it stretching the truth, not one bit. Only no one cared enough to know why Gigi made it onto that side of the list, did they Stan? _

_ Well no one except you...and Gigi...and me. _

Maybe that was the truth, yeah. But now Harry could guess a lot more other people were about to find out why.

_ I’m not sure. Maybe for some reason there’s actually some people out there who do think you were right in choosing me. I never thought so. And I don’t think you really agreed with it either, I don’t think my ass was really the deciding factor in the end. I think it was really all about revenge.  _

Harry tore the grass blades out from the cement and tossed them onto the side of the street. He stood up once again and began walking back down the path.

_ But this tape isn’t really about your motivation, Stan. It’s not about why you did what you did. Though that will come up eventually. This tape is really about how people change when they see your name on top of some stupid list like that. It’s about giving people the excuse they think they need to act like a pig.  _

There was a pause in her speech and Harry reached into his pocket to turn the volume up some more. He heard the sound of crinkling paper.

_ Okay. I just looked over at this list. At all the names that complete this story I’m telling. And guess what. Every single event that I’ll be telling you about may never have happened had you, Stan, not written my name on that list. It’s really that simple.  _

_ You needed a name to put down opposite Gigi. And since everyone at that school already had an idea of what I was like in their heads because of Liam’s little stunt you thought mine would be the perfect name.  _

_ And the snowball begins to roll, thanks a lot, Liam. _

It wasn’t fair. Stan’s list was a joke. A stupid, childish joke, but a joke. He had no idea that it would affect her this badly. 

And what about him? What did Harry do? When he gets to his name how badly will Louis say that Harry scarred him? Because he couldn’t even begin to guess. And everyone who heard it already, what do they think of him now? Have they been passing him in the halls this entire time, knowing a big secret about him Harry didn’t even know existed. 

_ So to back it up, Stan. This tape isn’t about why you did what you did. It’s about the consequences of what you did. More specifically, it’s about the consequences to me. It’s about everything you didn’t plan. And all the things you couldn’t plan. _

Harry arrived at the Rocketship park not much later. There were a few kids off on the swings, their parents sitting at the picnic tables with cigarettes. He walked past the little crowd and over toward the large slide leading up to the Rocketship jungle gym.

He thought back to Liam’s tape. And for a moment he really saw the two of them at the bottom of the slide, all wrapped up together and lips locked. 

It was a thought that made him nauseous. 

From behind him he heard laughing from the kids, who were so oblivious to what was in his ears right now. What was being accused of him. He would’ve given anything to go back in time, to when he was there age and had no worries yet.

Harry wondered what would’ve happened if instead of Liam he came here with Louis all those years ago. Would Liam have been wiped out of the picture altogether? Would all these rumors about Louis have ever started?

Would Louis Tomlinson still be alive?

_ The day that silly list came out wasn’t too bad, honestly. I managed to survive. I realized it was just some stupid joke to get back at your ex. And all the people I saw in the halls, huddles and whispering around whatever copy of the list they could get, well...I’m sure they all realized it was just a big joke too.  _

_ But let’s take a moment to look a little deeper into it, shall we? What exactly happens when someone is called out for having the best ass? Let me tell you, Stan, because I’m sure you never knew before. It gives some people-disgusting people-the excuse to treat you like you’re nothing more than that one body part.  _

_ For example, what happened at the gas station at Laker’s street. You can head there next if you’d like. And I’ll tell you what happened there only a few days after that list.  _

Harry pushed himself away from the slide. He took one more look up and shook his head, trying to get the image of Louis calling out to Liam and sliding down out of his head. He swore one of the parents shot him an anxious look, as if she was able to read his mind. Instead he ducked from her view and headed back down the road, toward the gas station he’d been to only a few times before. 

_ I have to be honest, I loved that gas station. I used to stop there almost every day after school for a Milky Way and lemonade. I know, it’s a bit of a weird obsession of mine but nothing beat that combination in my eyes. Eventually, toward the end of these tapes those few quiet moments were my only escape.  _

_ There was this older man who always rang me up. He was the sweetest, always greeted me with a happy smile and, “the usual, darling?” he was everything I felt jealous of. Managed to make it that far in his life, and he seemed genuinely happy to be working at a beat up gas station in the middle of nowhere. I used to give him a lot of credit for it. _

There was a small pause.

_ His name was Dave, and there’s a good chance he might wonder what happened to me when I suddenly stopped going in there. So if anyone wants to go and just let him know well-okay, maybe that’s a little much to ask of you. _

You think, Louis? Harry wondered. He knew exactly the old man he was talking about. Although he didn’t see him too often, Louis was right. He always seemed happy to be exactly where he was. 

_ Anyway, the day I’m specifically talking about was two days after the list came out. And I was buying myself two milky ways instead of just the one. Dave had made some sort of joking comment, something like, “two? Must’ve been a rough week.” Little did he know just how rough things would soon get. _

_ I laughed, not wanting to hurt his feelings and gave him the exact amount of change. That’s when I heard a bell jingle from the front of the store as the door opened and swung shut.  _

Harry thought back to yesterday for the first time since receiving these tapes. He remembered walking through the halls when someone pushed Stan down to the ground. Harry was the one to help him up, but when he looked for whoever started it they were long gone. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Harry asked him, hand staying on his shoulder to make sure he wasn’t hurt.

Only Stan didn’t answer, he jolted his shoulder out of Harry’s grasp, ducked his head and raced down the hall without a single word. Harry thought it was a little odd at the moment. But he brushed it off and continued down the hall, completely forgetting about it.

Until now.

Which one on the list had pushed him?

_ If I really wanted to, I could easily tell you the name of one of the people who walked in. He’s a year old then most of us, and he was known for his popular yet bad boy reputation. Most girls wanted him, though I never understood why. He always frightened me a bit. _

_ I’m gonna wait on his name though. Believe me, it will come up. Not until much later, but this isn’t the last time you’ll hear of him. And when you do hear his story...well, it was the breaking point for me. You’ll see. _

_ Anyway, I heard footsteps as the two of them walked closer. I was beginning to get goosebumps, and not the good kind. He was just getting a little too close for comfort. _

_ “Hey, Louis,” he said. “I didn’t even see you there.” _

_ Did I mention that I was standing right at the counter, visible to anyone the second they walked through the door? _

_ Like I said, I was never a big fan of him. So I just gave him a tight lipped smile and a small nod. I grabbed the candybar from the counter with one hand and the lemonade with the other. At this point I wanted to get out of there as soon as possible. Dave, as far as I could tell, didn’t acknowledge them at all. I’m not sure if he got a bad vibe from him, but the smile fell off his face and he didn’t move a muscle.  _

There was only one guy Harry could think of that gave off that vibe. And he was probably one of the worst people Louis could ever interact with. So he hoped-prayed-that it wasn’t who he was thinking. Anyone but Michael.

_ “Hey Dave, guess what?” I could feel his breath just over my shoulder.  _

_ It happened when I bent down to grab my backpack. It was all so fast. _

_ A cupped hand smacked my ass. _

Yeah. Yeah, it was definitely Michael. Oh god, Louis. What did that douche bag do to you? Part of Harry never wanted to find out.

_ And then he said, almost cheering, “Best Ass in the Freshmen Class, Dave! Right here, standing in your shop. _

_ I never thanked Dave for this, in fact we never spoke about it again. But he stood up straight, grabbing my arm from across the counter to yank me away. “Hey!” He shouted. But at that point there was nothing I was ready to do about it. I told Dave it was okay, trying to calm the fire in his eyes. And man, can I just say I didn’t think Dave had that kind of hatred in him. _

_ But after that I turned and ran from the store, fleeing as fast as I could. _

_ Did it hurt? Well, no. But that’s not what matters here. The real question is, did he have the right to do it? And I hope the answer to that is obvious to everyone.  _

That’s when Harry first saw it. The little Neon Sign reading open in the window. He crossed the road to the gas station and slid into the store as silently as possible.

The first thing he saw was a man at the counter, someone Harry didn’t recognize. The younger man didn’t so much as look up as Harry walked over to the drinks. He grabbed a lemonde from the cooler and walked back over to the counter, picking out a milky way bar and dropping them in front. 

He still didn’t say a thing, rang Harry up and grabbed the money handed over to him. He slid over the change and sat back in his stool.

“Um, is Dave here?” Harry questioned with one more glance around. It was the first time the young man really looked at him.

“He’s off today.”

Harry dipped his head in a small nod and walked back outside to sit on the curb. He fumbled with the wrapper of the milky way before unzipping his backpack and dropping it inside. He wasn’t even sure why he bought it, he wasn’t hungry. He didn’t think he could get anything down if he wanted.

But in a way it made him feel that much closer to Louis.

_ Alex, am I saying your list gave him the permission he needed to touch me in that way? No. I’m just saying it gave him an excuse. _

Best lips. Harry remembered that being a category. 

It wasn’t even until the list came out that he even noticed Diana Silver’s lips. But from that day on every time she spoke he caught himself staring. 

_ I can still feel the way he grabbed my wrist when I was yanked away, almost as if trying to defend himself from Dave. And I’ll tell you why this specifically pissed me off. I’ve had my butt grabbed before-fine, no big deal. But this time it was grabbed only because someone else put my name on a list.  _

_ And I was upset, I was very visibly upset. But when this guy saw that did he apologize? No. Never. Instead he got a little aggressive, as if he really thought I was there just for him to do whatever he pleased.  _

_ Here’s a tip. If you touch someone and they pull away, leave them alone. It doesn’t matter if you're joking. We don’t care. Don’t touch them again, don’t say anything. Just don’t! Leave them the hell alone. Because your touch is doing nothing but sickening them.  _

Harry felt a shiver at the next little pause that followed. He heard static from whatever was happening in the background. And he wished more than anything he could be there with Louis. So he could’ve stopped this. 

Taught Louis life was worth fighting for.

_ There are really some sick and crazy people out there, Stan. And who knows, I might even be one of them. It does take a certain amount of sickness to be able to do this to yourself. But the real point it, when you call people out like that, when you hold people up for ridicule, you’ve got to take responsibility for your actions.  _

There was one time, the next year after the list Diana and Harry met at a random party. He spoke to her for a while, unable to take his eyes off her lips. 

All because of some stupid list.

_ Actually, that’s not exactly right, I guess. You didn’t really hold me up for ridicule, did you? My name was in the Hot column. Maybe for all the wrong reasons, but there it was. It was Gigi you held up for ridicule. And that brings me to the next tape. _

_ Gigi, my dear...you’re next. _


	4. Cassette 2: Side A

Cassette 2: Side A

Harry popped open the walkman and fumbled with the tapes inside his backpack, trying to find the next one. He took a long, deep breath before sliding it in and shutting the door. He saw a car pull in from the street and watched as an older man came wobbling out. Before Harry knew what he was doing he stood up and yelled, “Dave!” across the parking lot. The old man looked up as he locked his car and slowly made his way over.

“I'm sorry,” Dave said with a kind smile. “Do I know you?”

“Oh uh,” Harry scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “Probably not. I know you, though. Been in here a few times. I thought you weren’t working today.”

“Oh yes, well it’s that guy’s first day and I figured I’d drop by to see how everything is going.” His gaze dropped down to where his backpack lay on the curb, unzipped enough to show the candy bar and lemonade thrown inside. He furrowed an eyebrow and his lips tilted into a bigger smile. “I only know one person who picks those things out. Though I haven’t seem Louis around for a couple weeks, are you bringing them to him?”

It was a simple question that broke him. He bent down to zip his backpack and swing it back over his shoulder. He tried to avoid Dave’s curious stare, but his eyes were almost demanding. “Louis killed himself two weeks ago.”

There was a ringing silence between them as Dave let those words sink in. He raised a wrinkly hand up to his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, as if trying to hold back some tears. “Oh.  _ Oh my. _ ” 

There was more Harry felt the need to say. Like how he was currently listening to Louis’ blame for why he did what he did. And was waiting for his turn. Dave fell back a step and let his hand fall down to his side once more. “I’m sorry I-I didn’t get your name. Were you friends with him?”

“Not really,” Harry admitted guiltily. “We were friendly, I guess. Um, it’s Harry. I just-I knew he liked to come here after school and-”

“You’re Harry,” he cut the tall boy off and gave him a quick once over. “Louis’ talked about you, you know.” 

Suddenly it felt like there was a spotlight left on him. Louis spoke about him to this random guy? Did Dave really know more about why Louis might have done this, could Dave possible be on the list as well? No. That seemed impossible. But did Dave know what Harry did? 

“I was a little afraid. When he hadn’t been by in awhile. The last few weeks he’d often spend a few hours here with me. And I could sort of tell he was troubled. But I-I never imagined it was this bad. I’m sorry.”

“I got to go,” Harry quickly stated. He dropped his gaze to the floor, unable to look at him anymore before pushing past the man and running back down the street. He had no idea where he was headed yet, but anything was better than being there. 

He couldn’t hear anymore of Louis’ pain from someone who didn’t really know.

Instead he reached his hand back in his pocket and hit play once more. Before Louis’ voice kicks in there’s a pause.

_ We’re one step closer. I believe we’ll manage to get through this together. Just by putting one foot in front of the other.  _

Harry finally slowed down to a walk. Across the street the sun slowly began to set, causing the streetlights to begin to awaken all over town. 

_ We’ve already finished with one full tape, so stick with me. I promise things will get better-well, maybe worse. I guess it’s depending on your point of view. Okay, so I know it probably sounds like it but I actually wasn’t completely alone at the beginning of freshman year.  _

_ There were also two other freshmen who were going to be new that year. Stan Lucas and Gigi Hadid. And although we never had the chance to become really close friends, there was a period of time when we would get together. Discuss the struggles of people new, take out our aggregations and nerves with each other. It became a safe place for the three of us. _

_ Well, at least it did for me. I hoped it became safe for them as well. _

Harry twisted the cap off the lemonade bottle. It hissed and he took a small sip. 

_ When it got to one week of summer vacation left Mr. Higgins called me in to have a little chat. Just to make everything clear, Mr. Higgins was the guidance counselor. I didn’t really talk to him much throughout the school years. Which maybe if I did sooner things would be different. Maybe it was too late by the time I finally got the courage to see him. _

_ But let’s not get into that just yet. That’s for another tape. _

Mr. Higgins? Harry could feel himself starting to sweat again. Was the school guidance counselor really going to make an appearance on one of these tapes? The world around him began to spin, and he stopped walking in order to try and bring everything back into focus. 

_ If he told me the real purpose of our get together I would’ve made some reason as to why I couldn’t go. It was because he wanted to introduce me to another student who, you guessed it, would be Gigi Hadid. It was awkward from the second I walked into the office and saw this little, beautiful girl already sitting in one of the seats. _

_ I mean, what if we had nothing in common? This could turn out to be a complete disaster. So many different things could’ve gone wrong right then. _

Harry reopened his eyes and began searching for a calming breath.

_ I could tell, Gigi, that you didn’t want to be there anymore than I did.  _

_ I think we both expected Mr. Higgins to go on a long rant about the school, what it takes and means to be the best student. But instead, all he was really trying to do was give each of us a buddy. _

_ It was tough heading into a brand new school, he insisted. And at least this way we’d know one person at the start of the year.  _

Harry didn’t want to see it-but it was all becoming so clear now. When all the rumor’s of Louis’ absence began going around school he remembered hearing Mr. Higgins ask one of the students why he kept hearing Louis’ name thrown around. Harry remembered thinking he looked nervous, almost sick. But he was too busy with other thoughts he didn’t take the time to really think much about it.

Harry heard someone tell him about the ambulance that was seen leaving his house.

And he really thought back to the look on Mr. Higgins face in that moment. Was it pain? Or maybe it was fear? All he knew was Mr. Higgins just stoon in the hall, staring blankly into the doors of his office as if remembering something from long ago. 

Then he left. Harry watched as Mr. Higgins really turned and walked out of the school, not looking back. And now Harry couldn’t help wondering if he knew something more.

_ The moment Mr. Higgins told us the real reason we were beckoned Gigi and I looked at each other, both sizing the other up and very obviously unsure of what to say. Her lips parted as if she really wanted to say something, but no words ever came out. I mean, what could she say with me right there? We were both blindsided.  _

_ And I knew that’s how she was feeling because I was currently feeling the same exact way.  _

_ I’ll never forget the way Mr. Higgins fell back into his chair and awkwardly said, “or...not.” _

_ And here, to the best of my memory, is what we said after that: _

_ Me: I’m sorry, Mr. Higgins. It’s just…the truth is, this just isn’t the reason why I thought you wanted me to come here today. _

_ Gigi: Me either. And it’s nothing against Lewis here or anything, I’m sure we have stuff in common and everything it’s just- _

_ Me: Louis. Uh, my name’s actually Louis. _

_ Gig: Oh, I’m sorry. I called you Lewis, didn’t I? I’m not really the best at names. It takes me a little bit. _

_ Me: It’s alright. I just figured you should know my name. You know, if we’re gonna be the best of friends and whatnot. _

_ The two of us laughed. And at that sound Mr. Higgins seemed to visibly deflate in his chair. He smiled awkwardly, apologized and made some comment about not trying this again and we were dismissed. _

_ As it turned out Gigi and I lived on the same block, and we decided it might be nice to walk back to our houses together after all. And guess what. On the way back to our houses we did decide to hang out.  _

_ Very sneaky, Mr. Higgins. Guess your plan worked in the end.  _

_ We left the school and at first the conversation felt a little awkward, almost forced. But eventually, as if no time had passed it was as if we were long time friends catching up after a year apart.  _

_ When it got time to turn on my block I didn’t say anything, because I didn’t want the conversation to end. It felt easy to talk to her. So I just kept walking. Soon after I found out she had done the same thing, walked past her block in order to keep talking with me. So we decided to stop at Lou’s bakery and cafe for a drink or two. And that’s where you can head next, if you’d like to follow. _

_ There was this one table all the way in the left corner, squished between this random wall that jutted out a bit and the soda machine. That’s where we decided to sit, and every time I went to Lou’s that seat is where I’d end up. I’m sure you know the spot I’m talking about, it was in a really random place where even though it was hidden away it stood out. Everyone knew it was there, but it was always empty. Even if it was really busy that day. _

Harry knew the place he was talking about. And he was right, of all the times he went to Lou’s he never saw anyone sitting there. Except, maybe, a couple times he ran into Louis. But why was that place so relevant? Harry didn’t recall ever seeing Louis there with anyone. He always seemed to be by himself. 

_ If I’m honest I really don’t remember much of what we said that afternoon. Do you, Gigi? Because when I close my eyes to put myself back there it’s like everything just comes back in flashes. Laughing. Trying to make sure our drinks don’t spill all over the place. Waving our hands while we spoke.  _

Harry stopped at the corner of the street before he could cross the road. His eyes fell shut and he tried to put himself in Louis’ place. So far everything seemed okay, what would Gigi do to you, Louis?

_ Then at one point you leaned across the table and whispered, “don’t make it obvious but there’s a guy over there definitely checking one of us out.”  _

_ I knew exactly who you were talking about because I had been eyeing him as well. But I knew which one he was checking out. And when I told you, I saw the way color rose on your cheeks as if you knew the entire time. And man, I’ve gotta tell you, anyone who’s listening, that in the contest of who had the biggest balls Gigi is the winner.  _

_ She turned to the guy sitting a few tables over and saw, “which one of us are you checking out?” _

_ In case you didn’t realize this yet, that guy who was now looking flustered was none other than Stan. _

Harry knew how this would end. It was the start of the confusing Louis-Stan-Gigi mix. They were finally learning where it all began.

_ Stan looked like he wanted the floor to open him up and swallow him whole. But he played it smoothly. He insisted that he hadn’t been checking anyone out, no. Instead he overheard how we were both going to be starting at the school this year and he, too, was new.  _

_ Let’s just say we felt pretty bad after that. We invited him to join us. And his face lit up when he scooted his chair over to our table. We must have talked for at least three hours-probably more. It was just three people, all with the same fears starting this school year and we were happy that we wouldn’t be starting it alone. Or eating lunch alone, getting lost alone.  _

_ That afternoon must have been such a relief for us. I fell asleep so many nights terrified about what was coming. But after that day I was able to sleep a lot more peacefully.  _

_ I should probably clarify I never thought of Gigi or Stan as friends. And it was nice because I knew they felt the same way. We spent an entire day talking about it once, our past friendships and what we were looking for this upcoming year. But those few weeks, until we peeled away from each other, Lou’s was our safe haven.  _

_ If any of us had a particularly tough time one day we’d sent the code word in our group chat and we knew to meet at Lou’s after school. I can’t say who started it, because I really don’t remember. It happened so quickly. And just like that, it ended just as quickly.  _

_ The first one to stop coming around was Stan. We still smiled when we saw each other in the halls, but it never went beyond that. Somehow he had gotten in with the football crowd, without actually becoming one of them.  _

_ And I saw him around school and I actually felt a little bad. Almost as if they were using the nerdy small kid who just wanted so badly to fit in. But I never said anything. I continued to just let him try. _

_ Now between me and you, Gigi, everything changed so fast. The long talks became small chit chat. And then one day you stopped showing up too. _

_ I went to Lou’s a couple times after, hoping one of them would wind up stumbling in. And maybe things could go back to normal. But it never happened. So I eventually stopped going altogether.  _

_ Until… _

Harry finally let his eyes open, he hadn’t realized how long he was standing there. On the other side of the road there was a man walking his dog, staring in his direction as if trying to figure Harry out. 

He started to walk across the street, toward the cafe.

_ See the nice and simple thing about Gigi’s story is all of it happens in the same spot. So it makes it easier for you if you felt like tagging along on this roadtrip.  _

_ We went to Lou’s after Mr. Higgins tried to force our friendship. Then we kept going back whenever we needed to relax. And then...well, this happened. _

_ Gigi walked up to me one day about a week after the list came out. I was at my locker, putting away everything so I could just go home and watch Friends. I did have quite the obsession back when I cared about anything. Anyway the only thing she said was, “we need to talk,” before stalking back to her friends.  _

_ And if this was anyone else I probably would’ve been really confused. But it wasn’t anyone else. It was Gigi. So I swung my backpack over my shoulder and knew exactly where to head. _

_ Somehow she still managed to get there before me, even though she had been talking with friends. She was seated in our spot, and there were no drinks or anything on the table. I expected this to be quick. So I walked over to her, trying to ignore the way she was tapping her fingers impatiently on the table. I slid into the sit across from her silently and watched the way her head snapped up, as if she didn’t really expect me to show.  _

_ I didn’t say anything. I watched her from where I sat. And in those few seconds like ten different emotions came over her face. Then she slapped a piece of paper on the table and slid it across to me. It didn’t take me long to identify it, it was the same paper I saw on Charlie’s desk a week prior.  _

_ “Who cares?” I tried to reason with her. “It really doesn’t mean a thing.” _

Harry swallowed the lump back in his throat. When he read the list he passed it along, not thinking much of it at the time.

_ “Louis,” she sighed. “I don’t care that he picked you instead of me.” _

_ I couldn’t help it, I laughed a little. It seemed ridiculous of her to even suggest that. “Oh come on,” I told her. “He didn’t pick me. Stan doesn’t even swing that way. He chose me because he knew it would hurt you the most.”  _

_ Gigi closed her eyes. I could tell she didn’t even want to consider what I was saying. It was easy to believe the list. “Louis.”  _

_ Do you remember that, Gigi? Because I do. I couldn’t forget it even if I wanted to. _

_ When someone says your name like that, with such disappointment they can’t even look at you, there’s nothing you can do or say to make it better. Their mind’s already been made up. You said my name again, and then you went on about the rumors. _

_ “You can’t know rumors,” I tried to explain. I don’t know. Maybe I was being foolish. But I really thought you knew me better than that. And it hurt when I realized there was nothing left for me to do. “You hear rumors, but that doesn’t mean they’re true.” _

_ I heard the rumors as well, I knew exactly what people were saying about me. I wasn’t sure how to rid myself of them. So instead I tried to convince you I wasn’t seeing Stan. That nothing had happened between us. Because that day we met, he lied. He was checking one of us out.  _

_ And it hadn’t been me. _

Harry remembered a bunch of guys joking with Stan in the locker room. They were asking all sorts of questions that gave Harry an upset stomach. And Stan was laughing, playing along with them. Eventually Harry had to leave before he could finish a proper shower just because he was getting disgusted.

He couldn’t believe Louis really moved on so fast. And he really didn’t want to hear it either. 

_ Eventually, it just seemed easier to me to give up.  _

_ “Fine,” I angrily said. “Fine, Gigi. Thanks for helping me out the first couple months of school. Really, thanks. And I’m sorry Stan fucked that up with this list but he did. There’s obviously nothing else left to say.”  _

_ I went on to tell her I knew about their relationship. How when they got together they slowly decided they didn’t need me, that’s when they pulled away. And yeah, that did make me jealous. Because I thought we were slowly becoming friends. But if it helps her get over the break up then I’ll take any blame she wants. But I. Did. Not. Do.  _ Anything!

Harry reached Lou’s. Outside there were two kids from school he recognized. They were younger than Harry, and didn’t even bother to give him a second glance. He didn’t bother heading inside, wasn’t sure he could stomach it. So instead he leaned back against the window and shut his eyes again.

_ But it seems all Gigi heard was me accepting the blame. _

_ She shot up from her seat so fast I hadn’t even realized what was happening for a few seconds. Then she stared down at me and swung. _

_ So, Gigi, what was it exactly you were planning to do? Punch me or slap me? Cause it kinda felt like a little bit of both. Like you weren’t too sure yourself.  _

_ You called me some name, I didn’t really get a chance to hear it, before stomping from the cafe. I raised my hand up to my cheek and when I pulled it away I saw the blood. Scratch me, I decided when I got home and took a close look at the cut. You scratched me.  _

_ That tiny scar you’ve all seen just underneath my right ear? Yeah, that’s where I plucked a piece of Gigi’s fingernail right out myself.  _

Harry noticed the scar for the first time at the party. He thought it was cute, if he was honest. It gave Louis a little bit of a story. Though until now he didn’t hear about it. Before he could question it Louis started to freak out. 

_ Some of you might not have seen it. But I see it every morning I got ready for school, every single time I looked in the mirror. It was a reminder of something I wanted so desperately to forget.  _

His hands came up to tug at his hair and he slid down the window to crouch on the ground.

_ But it’s really more than just a scratch. It was a punch in the stomach and a slap in the face. It felt like a knife in my back because you’d rather believe some made up rumor than what we both knew to be true. You knew me for months. You had to know deep down I could never do something like that. But you didn’t want to listen to the voice. You wanted someone to blame. _

There was a little pause.

_ Gigi, my dear, I’d really love to know if you dragged yourself to my funeral. And if you did, did you notice your scar? _

No. That was impossible.

_ And what about all the rest of you lovely people? Did you notice the scars you left behind? _

Because, Louis, there never was a funeral.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmk thoughts so far on this 13 reasons why Harry/Louis remake XxX :)


	5. Cassette 2: Side B

Cassette 2: Side B

When Harry finally walked into Lou’s he thought back to the time he ran into Louis here. It was the first time Harry ever really saw him. A couple days after ninth grade started, and he was sitting by himself drinking hot chocolate and looking around as if waiting for someone. When Harry was walking toward the bathrooms he accidentally bumped into his table, nearly spilling the drink all over Louis. He didn’t seem bothered, but waved away Harry’s apology with a smile. He remembered the way those blue eyes stared back at him, remembered the feeling of butterflies that erupted within him. That’s when they exchanged names, and from that day on Harry began seeing Louis everywhere around school.

In honor of Louis he should order a hot chocolate. But when the cashier asked what he wanted he said a coffee, just because he was cheap. And the hot chocolate was an entire dollar more.

She slid the mug across the counter and pointed to where the creamers and sugar were set up. Harry poured in enough creamer to forget the taste of coffee. He was in the mood for something deliciously sweet. He dumps a little too much sugar into the bottom of the cup and maybe - just maybe - he’ll be able to stay up late enough to finish these tapes.

He thinks he should finish them that night. It sounds torturous, listening to everything that drove someone to suicide within the span of a few hours. Almost impossible. And the thought made Harry feel the urge to throw up. He could always just find his story, listen to that and see who he needs to pass it on to and let that be it. 

But that’s not what Louis wanted.

“What’re you listening to?” It’s the girl from behind the counter. She points to the headphones wrapped around Harry’s neck and grabs one of the empty creamers from the table. 

“Just some tapes,” Harry shrugged.

“Yeah I see,” she raised her eyebrows curiously. “Unusual. Anyone I might’ve heard of?” Harry shook his head and took a long gulp from his mug. She reached over to refill the sugar bowl before adding, “we actually went to school together. Two years ago. Not surprised you don’t remember I’ve changed a lot since then,” she brushed her long dark hair from her face and rolled her eyes. “Thankfully.” Harry studied her, thinking she looked a little familiar. “We had one class together my senior year, but we didn’t talk much.” 

“What class did we have together?”

“Creative writing,” she stretched her hand out for Harry to shake. “It’s Selena.” 

That name clicked inside his mind. “Oh yeah. You hung around Shawn Mendes a lot, right? We’ve become pretty good friends.” 

Selena smiled. “Yeah, that’s me. I always thought you were the nicest guy, you know. But everyone in school did. Quiet, but very likeable.” 

Yeah, that was Harry. Mr. Nice Guy. Would her, and everyone at school still say that if they heard these tapes? Because that must not be true. Sometime along the way of these past four years he helped bring a boy to suicide.

He waved goodbye to Selena and headed back out of the cafe. It wasn’t that she annoyed him, more so if he was going to finish these tapes tonight he needed to start without any distractions. When he got outside the same group of kids were by the door. He walked past them silently, slipping his headphones back on and taking another sip of his coffee. He sat down along the side of the building and pressed play.

There was nothing but loud static. So he hit pause.

Then play again.

Nothing. He rolled his thumb along the volume dial. The static only grew louder, so he turned it back down and waited.

_ Shhhhh! _

It was something that caused him to jump. 

_...if you’re studying in the library. _

_ Shhhhh!...if you’re watching a movie. _

Louis’ voice, it’s nothing but a whisper. Harry listened closer, really focusing on his words.

_ Sometimes no one’s around to tell you it’s time to be quiet. Very, very quiet. And sometimes there are times when you need to be quiet even if you’re all alone. Like me, right now… _

_ Shhhh! _

A little ways down from the entrance of Lou’s the crowd of kids start heading in the opposite direction, talking a little too loudly. But the only words Harry lets in are the ones from Louis. 

_ For example, you better know how to be quiet - extremely quiet - if you’re going to be a peeping Tom. Because what if somebody finds out? What if it gets out somewhere?  _

Harry lets out a breath of air. It’s still not his time.

_ What if he...what if I found out? _

There was another small pause when he could hear a car driving by. 

_ Well guess what, Eleanor Calder? I found out.  _

Harry leans his head back against the cool cement building and shut his eyes.

_ Honestly, I feel sorry for you, Eleanor. Really, I do. Everyone else on these tapes now probably feels a little bit relieved. They all came across as liars or douche bags or just plain insecure. But your story, Eleanor? Well...you’re story is just downright creepy.  _

Eleanor Calder? A peeping Tom? Wow, Harry never would’ve guessed. She always seemed a little sweet, very normal.

_ And if I’m being as truthful as I wish all of you could’ve been I feel a little creepy telling it too. And why exactly is that, Louis? Well, Eleanor, because I’m really trying to put myself in your shoes. I want to know the excitement of staring through someone’s bedroom window. Watching a person who has no clue they’re being watched. Trying to catch them in the act of… _

_ Well, what exactly were you hoping to see, Eleanor? And I’ve always wanted to ask you this, whatever it was were you disappointed? Or pleasantly surprised? _

_ Okay, let’s do this. Show a count of hands, please. Who knows where I’m standing right now? _

Harry placed his coffee down next to him and visibly cringed. He knows, and he feels so embarrassed for her. 

_ Who knows where exactly I am...right now? _

_ If you said, “Outside Eleanor's window,” you’re right. And that’s right on Cherry Street. Where if you really want, you can head next. _

_ Right now Eleanor isn’t home, probably at her photography club. But her parents are. I sincerely hope they don’t come outside. I mean, there’s this tall bush right outside your window, very similar to the bush outside mine, so I’ve gotta say I’m feeling pretty safe. _

_ How are you feeling, Eleanor? _

Harry tried to imagine what it was like for her to get these tapes. She must have been so nervous when she started hers, wondering what all the others would think as they listened. Harry pictured her sitting on her bed, head dropped into her hands as she realized her secret was now out in the world. 

_ If I remember correctly the yearbook staff have one of their “meetings” tonight. You all know what I’m talking about. I’m sure you’ve all passed the classroom while it was going on at one point, hearing the music blaring and smelling the smoke. I don’t know how they got away with it for as long as they did, and I also have no idea how, by the end of the year, we all received quite the impressive book. When did they even work on it with all the partying going on? _

Harry laughed, he knew exactly what Louis was talking about. It was a known fact the yearbook club didn’t use the classroom for actual work. He was sure some students joined just for the fun.

_ I think in a way we all kind of respected them, even if they were more of the nerdy type. They got away with a lot of shit. _

_ But anyway, I’m sure that’s where you’ve been, El. So I knew you wouldn’t be home when I got here. And, as a beginner peeping Tom, I appreciate that very much. So thank you, Eleanor. Really, you’ve made my first and last experience here very easy.  _

Maybe Eleanor wasn’t at home when she first heard her tape. Harry had seen her more than a few occasions at Lou’s, so maybe she was sitting in the corner, trying really hard to look casual. 

_ So I’m looking inside your room now, El. And it’s pretty dark in there. Luckily it’s still the tiniest bit light outside. The sun’s currently setting. So I can see mostly camera stuff thrown around the room. There’s a lot of pictures hanging on your wall but I can’t see what they’re of. It makes me wonder, are there any of me up there? And what about the others, huh? Who else were you following around? _

_ Looks like you’ve got quite the collection there, Eleanor. A lense for every single occasion.  _

Yeah, Harry knew that to be true. Even night vision. He remembered hearing about how Eleanor won a statewide contest with that one. He never saw the picture, but he heard some strange rumors about it. 

Eleanor wouldn’t stop bragging about that one for the entire school year. 

_ I know, I know. I can hear you right now, El. “Come on, Louis. Those are for the yearbook, you know that.” And sure, I bet you really did use them for the pictures around school. But...that’s not all you used them for was it? Not just those candid shots of the student body?  _

_ Candid. Before I made the decision to come here I looked up that word on my phone. And it’s one that has many different definitions. But there’s one specifically that felt the most appropriate. Relating to photography of subjects acting naturally or spontaneously without being posed. _

_ So, tell me, Eleanor. Please. On those nights-you know the ones-where you waited outside my bedroom window, was I spontaneous enough for you? Did you catch me in all my natural, unposed- _

_ Wait. _

His voice fell into an even lower whisper, almost inaudible.

_ Did you hear that? A car coming up the road. _

Harry pressed the headphone hard down over his ears and listened.

_ That’s you, Eleanor. I know it is. I can just feel it. My god, my heart is pounding.  _

_ The car’s turning up the driveway. _

Behind his voice, the sound of tires roll across the pavement. The engine dies.

_ Yup. There you are. Yes, this really is exciting. I can definitely feel the thrill. Okay, listeners, car door and… _

_ Shhh! _

A door slams. Harry falls back and hides his burning face. Keys. Footsteps. Another door unlocks and shuts before he starts talking again.

_ Okay, El. Here’s what’s going on. You’re inside the house with the door shut. So I bet you’re either checking in with your parents really quickly, lying about those infamous yearbook meetings or they didn’t get enough pizza and you’re heading straight for the kitchen. Am I right?  _

_ As I’m waiting for you to come back I’m gonna tell everyone how this all started. And if I’m wrong on the timeline, if this started way before even I know, I’m sure you’ll find the people on these tapes and tell them exactly what happened. Right? Yeah, sure you will.  _

There was a laugh, a laugh that felt a little too forced. Harry squirmed from his spot on the sidewalk.

Eleanor’s house. He had been there once, in eighth grade for a school project. It was maybe five minutes from here. And Harry felt the urge to see it one last time, to see Louis crouched behind the bush in the front yard, whispering his pain for the world to hear.

He pushed himself to his feet, tossed the half full coffee cup in the garbage, and headed down the block to make the first right.

_ I bet every single one of you will fill in the gaps, right? The bits and parts of these stories that I’m unable to answer. That only you would know. I mean, I think we can all agree that you pretty much owe me your life. After all, you guys took mine.  _

The words hit him like a knife.

That felt unfair.

_ And this is just one example of the many, many questions I have. How long exactly were you stalking me for, Eleanor? Was it just that one week my parents were out of town? And if so, how the hell did you know they weren’t around?  _

_ Okay, so I’ve gotta tell you there was a big rule around my house. When my parents were away for whatever reason, which every rarely happened, I wasn’t to go out on any dates. We never really spoke about why. But I had a feeling it was because they were worried I might enjoy the date a little too much and them to come inside. _

_ But let’s be real, after the whole Liam thing there was only one boy I ever found myself liking. And I mean, I noticed when people were cute. And I did go on a few dates, but I never really felt anything, you know? I’m not sure if it was because I always pictured this one guy, or maybe I just wanted some passion. But whatever it was I never really wanted anything with anyone at our school after Liam. Except for one person in particular.  _

_ But unfortunately I think we were both a little afraid to make the first move. We never talked much, except for one night. Which I’ll get to later. That’s not the point right now. It’s not his time. This is about Eleanor. And- _

Harry felt a lump forming in the back of his throat. That guy-the only ever guy Louis felt something for-was it him? It felt like it was. And if so-why didn’t he say anything? He had to have noticed the way Harry gawked when he walked by.

_ And the fact that even though I’ve said the rumors about me aren’t true, I never claimed to be a goody-two-shoes. I loved my parents, but sometimes I wished they’d go out of town a little more often. It meant I could stay out later. And, as you know Eleanor, on the first night they left the boy I went out with that night walked me all the way back up to the front door. He waited while I pulled out my keys and opened the door. I’m not sure if he expected me to invite him inside but that I never did, I had some standards despite what all of you think.  _

Harry made the first turn onto the back road.

_ Eleanor’s light is still off, so I guess she’s probably shoving her face with whatever she could find. If I went to those meetings I’d probably be starved after as well. So fine, have it your way, I’ll just keep talking. _

_ Were you hoping I would invite the guy in, Eleanor? Or would that have made you jealous? I’m not sure exactly why you picked me, of all people, to show an interest in. I’ve been out from the first day I started at this school. No interest in girls.  _

_ Either way, when I finally made my way inside I washed my face and brushed my teeth. And the second I stepped into my room I heard it...click! _

_ I think it’s safe to say we all know the sound a camera makes when you take a picture. Maybe you didn’t notice this, or maybe you didn’t care, but I always keep my window open about an inch or two. That’s how I knew someone was standing outside.  _

_ But I didn’t want to believe it. It was just way too weird to even consider. I mean, it was the first night my parents were out of town. So maybe I was just getting used to being home alone. It was awhile since the last time, anyway.  _

_ Still, I wasn’t dumb enough to change in front of the window. I grabbed whatever sweats I could find and went to the bathroom, trying to calm myself down as best I could.  _

Such an idiot, Eleanor. In middle school some people actually thought she might’ve had some kind of mental illness. But she never did, she was always just an idiot. 

_ Maybe it wasn’t actually a click, I told myself as I headed back to my room. Maybe it was a creak. Sometimes my bed made weird sounds, maybe I was just imagining it. I stepped back into the room and then I heard it again - click! _

_ I froze, feeling my heart begin to pound. I didn’t know what to do. There was no proof. If I called the cops he’d be gone within seconds. So I figured ignoring it was probably my best option.  _

_ Does it sound stupid? Yeah, definitely. I’ll be the first to admit that. But did it make sense? Sure, at the time.  _

You should’ve called the cops, Louis. It might have stopped this snowball effect you keep mentioning. That was the only thing that kept running through Harry’s head. And he kept praying that something would change, that things would get better.

Even though he already knew how it ended. With an unhappy ending.

_ Let me quickly explain why it was so easy for Eleanor to see inside my room. Just for all you curious listeners out there. I usually kept my shades open at an exact angle. On clear nights, when with my head on the pillow I was able to look up and count the stars. And on the stormy nights I could watch lightning light up the clouds.  _

_ My dad never really liked that I kept them open, he tried to make me leave it normal on multiple occasions. But you couldn’t see inside my room from the road, so before that night I always thought I was fine. I fell asleep soundly, with nothing but sweet and peaceful dreams. The only way I was visible was if you stood right outside my window, on your tippy-toes. _

_ So how long  _ did  _ you stand like that, Eleanor? I’ve always thought it must be pretty uncomfortable. Luckily for me your window is closer to the ground, so I’m able to stand a little bent over, hidden from the road and your sight. But if you were willing to go through all that trouble just to get a peek of me I really hope you got something good. _

Whatever it was, Harry was sure it satisfied her. I mean it was common knowledge Eleanor had a bit of a thing for Louis throughout school. But it was also a well known fact Louis wouldn’t give her the time of day. Not that Harry blamed her, he always got a little bit of the creeps when she was around.

And now Harry knew exactly why. 

_ Had I known it was Eleanor at the time I wouldn’t have been so frightened. In fact, I would’ve marched right outside and embarrassed the hell out of her.  _

_ Wait! Here you come. Okay, okay. The light’s being turned on. She’s shutting the door. Okay, now she’s on the bed. Taking off her shoes, her socks- _

Harry groaned. He could feel his face redden even more. Did he even want to see Eleanor’s house? __

_ Maybe I should warn her. Tap on his window or something. I mean, at least I got that much from her. Give her the same paranoia that she gave me. Afterall, that’s what I’m here for, right? Some sweet, sweet revenge? _

Well, isn’t it, Louis?

_ Wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong. Maybe revenge would’ve been fun. Maybe revenge, in some twisted way, would’ve started to make me feel a bit better. But honestly being here, right outside her window, does nothing for me. I’m already too far gone. My mind is made up.  _

_ So why, are you all wondering right now? Why am I here?  _

Tell me, Harry thought. He needed to know. He needed to know why. Why did things have to turn out this way. Because he knew in another life he wouldn’t have been so shy. Things could’ve gone differently between the two of them.

_ I’m not here to watch you, Eleanor. Relax. In fact I’m not even watching you right now. I’m sitting on the ground, staring into the bushes. I have no interest in how you spend your nights. I just needed some sort of closure. _

_ The next school day, after your little visit, El, I told this girl who sat in front of me what happened. We hadn’t spoken too much before then, but I heard she was a really good listener, very sympathetic.  _

When Harry reached Eleanor’s house he paused the tapes and slipped his headphones back around his neck. He saw the light on in her room and the spot where a window should’ve been he saw a spider web of silver duct tape holding the fractured pieces together. 

Had it been a rock? Had someone really thrown a rock at Eleanor’s window? Was it someone he knew? It had to have been, definitely someone on the tapes, right? 

A square hedge divides Eleanor’s front yard from the next, so Harry walked in front of it to hide himself from view. 

That’s when he heard someone call his name. He spun around, all too fast, and tried to control his breathing when he saw Ashton Irwin walking across the street. “You want to throw something?”

The icy chill hits him like a ton of bricks. Ashton reaches over to hand Harry a large sized rock, one he doesn’t accept.

“What are you doing here?” He asked.

“Take it,” Ashton insisted. “It’ll make you feel better, Harry. Really.” 

Harry looked over at the window. At the duct tape. Then he looked down and let his eyes fall shut. “Let me guess, Ashton. You’re on the tapes.” 

He doesn’t answer. They both knew he didn’t have to. When Harry looked back up he saw the corners of Ashton’s eyes struggling to hold back a smile. It made him sick. In that struggle, he could tell Ashton wasn’t ashamed. Harry nodded toward Eleanor’s window. “Did you do that?”

He pushed the rock into Harry’s hand. “You’d be the first to say no, Harry.” He could feel the way his heart began racing. “You’re the third to come out here. Besides me.”

Harry tried to picture the others before him, which ones the most likely to accept this offer. We’re all on the list, he thought. They were all guilty of something. How did it make Eleanor any different then them?

He stared down at the rock in his hands “Why are you doing this?”

He nodded down the road. “That’s my house over there, with the outside light on. I’ve been watching her house. Seeing who comes around.”

Harry tried to imagine what Eleanor told her parents.

“The first was Stan,” Ashton didn’t seem bothered to be talking so freely about this. “We were hanging out at my house when, all of a sudden, he asked about this place. I hadn’t gotten them yet, so I was a little confused. It was his idea. I just went along with it.”

He tossed the rock up a few inches and caught it, feeling it heavy in his grip. His grip on this rock tightens. “You’re a right dick, Ashton.” 

“What?”

“You’re on these tapes too, right?” 

“So are you,” he pointed out. “Harry.” 

Harry could hear the way his voice shook with rage. “What makes her so much different than the rest of us?”

“She’s a peeping Tom,” Ashton scoffed, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “She’s a freak. She looked through Louis’ window. So why not break hers?” 

“And you?” Harry challenged. “What did you do?”

He fell silent. And for a moment his eyes glassed over, as if finally showing some amount of guilt. Then he blinked. “Nothing, it’s ridiculous. I never belonged on those tapes. Louis just overreacted.” 

Harry let the rock drop to the ground. It was either that or smash it right through his face. He stumbled away, the sight of Ashton making him nauseous. “Get the hell away from me,” Harry hissed. 

“It’s my street, Harry.” 

He felt his fingers tighten into a fist. But instead of lunging forward like he felt necessary he turned and ran down the street, desperate to get away before he did something he would regret.

_ So yeah, I might not have spoken much to this girl. But I heard mostly good things. And at that point I really just wanted someone to be as freaked out by this as I was. _

_ “A peeping Tom?” She said, leaning forward so she was practically lying on my desk. “A real one?” _

_ “I think so, yeah,” I whispered.  _

_ “Wow. I always wondered what that’d be like. Having a real peeping Tom is kind of, I don’t know...sexy.” _

Extremely twisted. Who the hell was she?

_ Honestly, I didn’t really know what to say back to that. That’s not what I was thinking last night. So instead she smiled and raised an eyebrow, as if trying to backtrack. “Do you think he’ll come back?” _

_ I never let myself think of that possibility until then. The simple idea of her coming back began freaking me out. “What if he does?” I asked. _

_ “Then you’ll just have to tell me about it,” she said. And then she turned back around, ending our conversation.  _

_ So let me get this straight, I never hung out with that girl before. Honestly I didn’t ever really hang out with anyone at our school. Overtime, I stopped trying. Because it all began to feel a little...disappointing. But this girl and I took a lot of the same electives, and she was always nice to me in the halls. And I really couldn’t bear the thought of being home alone when this guy might come back. So I did what any sane person would do...I asked her to spend the night.  _

_ How would she like to come over and catch an actual peeping Tom? _

_ After school I went home with her to grab her stuff. Then she came back over to my house. Since it was a weekend and she was probably going to be out late she told her parents it was for a school project. _

Harry couldn’t help it, he laughed. Did everyone use that excuse? And also, where the hell was he walking to?

_ We finished our homework on the dining room table, waiting for it to grow darker. Her car was parked right outside, we thought it might be good bait.  _

_ I mean, we all knew Eleanor had a bit of a thing for me. So she’d have to check it out, if for anything to satisfy her jealousy.  _

Harry felt a shiver run through him.

_ We moved to the bedroom and sat cross legged on the bed, facing each other. We talked about everything you’d think we could. Teachers, boys, enemies, parents. It was honestly nice. I don’t think I talked that much since my Lou’s visits with Stan and Gigi. But as much as we spoke we knew one important thing. We had to keep the talking quiet. We had to listen and wait for that first...click! _

_ Her mouth dropped open. And her eyes, man I’ve never seen anyone’s shine so brightly before. She whispered for me to keep talking. _

_ I nodded, and I went on to talk about this one boy I’ve been noticing around lately. The one I mentioned before. She wanted a name, like I’m sure many of you do. But I never gave it to her.  _

_ So we continued to gossip for a couple minutes. It was really hard, both of us trying desperately to control any inappropriate laughter-the kind that would’ve given us away. But the clicking stopped and we were running out of things to gossip about.  _

_ “You know what I could use?” she asked. “A nice, deep back massage.” _

_ “You’re evil,” I whispered.  _

_ She sent me a wink and then got up and laid down fully across my bed, facing the window. I sat on her lower back, straddling her. _

_ Click. _

_ Pushed her hair aside. Click. _

_ And began rubbing her shoulders. Click. Click. _

_ At this point I had no idea who it was yet, so I didn’t know what you must've been doing, Eleanor. In my mind I thought maybe you were getting down to business, loving the little show. But you weren’t, were you? You began fuming.  _

_ Wondering why her.  _

_ I mean, come on. Obviously nothing was going to happen. The girl on her stomach knew that, I knew that, and you had to know that too. I’ve been out since the seventh grade. Before I even got to this school. It wasn’t my fault you couldn’t accept that. _

_ I kept rubbing her shoulders. In fact I thought I was doing a pretty good job because she stopped talking and her lips curled into a beautiful smile. But eventually she whispered a new plan to me, one to catch him in the act.  _

_ I told her no. It was too dangerous. One of us should just make an excuse to leave and call the police. But that wasn’t as exciting for her, so she told me not to worry and said she was good. I climbed off her, already feeling myself start to sweat as she stood up. _

_ At this point neither of us had realized the clicking had stopped. “Do you have any lotion?” She asked. I told her it was in the top drawer. And when she pulled it open she let out a loud gasp, hand flying to her mouth.  _

_ I was pretty confused. I didn’t own anything that should be getting that kind of reaction. “Wow, Louis. I didn’t know you were into this. We should use this, together.” _

_ “Um, okay,” I said awkwardly. If it was anyone from our school would they really have bought this act? Was anyone that stupid? She reached into the draw and pushed some things around. “What the hell, how many of these do you have?” _

_ Even though I knew there wasn’t any there I felt myself blush. But I did catch on rather quickly. “Why don’t you count them?” _

_ Very clever, I remember thinking. She was very very clever. “Let’s see. Here’s one...two…” _

_ I slid off the bed, feeling my heart pounding. “Three!”  _

_ Everything after that happened so quickly. I jumped to the window, yanking it open and desperately searching for a familiar face. But there wasn’t any outside the window. No. I looked over toward the driveway and that’s when I saw it. A wisp of dark hair and your face. I would have recognized you anywhere.  _

_ After all, it has been annoying me for a while now. _

_ “It’s-it’s a she!” I exclaimed as the girl stumbled her way over to the window. “She slashed your tires!”  _

_ “What-I-I don’t see. Did you see who it was?” _

_ Now, let me just say this. I wasn’t protecting you, Eleanor. I don’t give one shit about your embarrassment. I gave a shit about my own. So I shrugged, I pretended like I didn’t get to see your face.  _

_ And hey, at least you’re original. At least that made you stop coming around my house. But your presence, Eleanor? That never left.  _

_ After those few visits I twisted my blinds shut every night. I locked out the stars and I never saw the lightning again. Each night all I did was turn out the lights and go to bed. _

_ It’s something that’s bothered me every day. Why didn’t you leave me alone, Eleanor? It was my house. My bedroom. They were supposed to be safe for me, a safe haven from everything outside. But you? You were the one who took that away. _

_ Well, I guess not all of it. _

I heard him swallow, as if trying to hold back the rage.

_ But you took away all that I had left.  _

There was another pause, this one a little bit longer. As if he was trying to get his thoughts back together. 

_ So, how important is your safety, El? And what about your privacy? Maybe it’s not as important for you as it was for me, but that wasn’t for you to decide.  _

_ By now I’m sure you’re all crazy wondering about who this mystery girl was. So smiled so brightly while I rubbed her back? Who was it who helped me expose you? I don’t know...should I really tell? It all depends, what did she ever do to me? _

_ For that answer, insert the third tape. _

_ Oh, and Eleanor, I’m standing outside your window again. I’ve noticed your light has been out for quite some time, but I’m back now. _

Harry heard the sound of leaves rustling in the background.

_ Knock-Knock, El. _

His voice was so quiet. And Harry heard it. Two knocks gently tapping on a window.

_ Don’t worry. You’ll find out soon enough. _

He slipped off the headphones and wrapped them around his neck, wiping the tears from his face. 

Seriously. Where the hell was he planning to go now?


	6. Cassette 3: Side A

Cassette 3: Side A

_ Danielle Peazer. What a pretty name. And I think everyone will agree with me when I say she's an even prettier girl. Pretty hair, dazzling smile, perfect skin.  _

_ And you’re also really nice, almost everyone says so. _

Of course. Of course Danielle would have her very own tape. Why hadn’t he thought of that before? He remembered a couple days after the news of Louis’ death broke out when they had been paired together for a project. Danielle looked like she was about to throw up, and at the time it offended Harry. They spoke on occasion, but never enough for her to react like that. 

She wound up asking for a new partner. And Harry never bothered to ask for a reason.

Harry thought back to Danielle. Yeah, she was really pretty. That was hard to deny. Always surrounding herself around a group of students who most definitely wanted to be her. But nice? Harry heard some nice things, yeah. But he also heard things that didn’t make her seem that great. He wasn’t really surprised. Someone who looked like that always had a nasty side.

_ Yes, Danielle. It’s true. You can be very, very sweet. Whoever approaches you in the halls, or whatever desperate person follows you to your car at the end of the day. You never seem bothered, even if they’re very obviously not near your social status.  _

_ You’re definitely one of the most popular girls in school, that’s for sure. Part of it is because of the way you look, let’s get that out of the way. But the other part? It’s because you...are...just...so...sweet. Right? _

_ Wrong. _

It gave Harry chills. The intensity that came from that one word. It nearly froze him on his walk to who knows where. 

  
  


_ Yeah, my dear listeners. Danielle really is nice, to whomever she comes in contact with or whoever speaks to her. But come on, you’ve had to ask yourselves at some point - is it all a show? _

Yes. Harry always thought so. There was something so off about her, whenever she smiled at you. It never really reached her eyes. But Harry also never really liked to make assumptions, so he tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. 

_ It is. I think there’s no way she’s really like that. And let me tell you why.  _

_ First off, I highly doubt Eleanor will let you see the pictures she took of Danielle and I in my room. I mean, you can try asking. But it’s a fat chance. Who knows if she even has them anymore. _

Harry briefly wondered if anyone had actually confronted Eleanor about it. The idea made him sick. 

_ If you have seen those pictures, then consider yourself lucky. She’d never even think about showing them to me. I bet they look kinda hot though, if you’re into that sort of thing. _

No, Harry thought. He never was.

_ But by now you also know they were extremely posed. _

_ And that’s by far the best word I could think of to sum up Danielle’s life. Posed. Because when you’re posed you know somebody is just watching. You’re gonna put on your very best smile. You let your sweetest personality shine.  _

_ And in high school people are always watching. There’s always a reason to be posed.  _

_ Although I’m coming to all these conclusions about you, Danielle, I don’t actually think you do this purposely. So that’s why I put you on these tapes. To make sure you know that what you do can affect others. _

_ More specifically, it affected me.  _

Danielle really does come off as shockingly sweet. Hearing her story on these tapes must have destroyed her. 

_ It’s weird. Thinking back to it now. Danielle Peazer. I always thought even your name sounded too unreal, so perfect. As I’m sure most of you did too.  _

_ And this is where I’ll give you my credit, Danielle. Not that it matters for anything now. But you could’ve taken the bitch route and  _ still _ had all the boyfriends you could handle. But no. Instead, you chose the sweet route. You decided you didn’t want a single soul to hate you.  _

_ And let me be very, very clear. I don’t hate you. I never hated you, Danielle. And honestly, I don’t even dislike you. You’re one of two people here I never disliked. For a time, I actually thought you and I were becoming friends.  _

One of two. So who’s the other? Would it be stupid if Harry held onto that hope?

_ But we never really were. As it turns out, you were just grooming me to be another tally marked under People Who Think Danielle Peazer Is The Sweetest Girl. Probably, you just wanted my vote for Most Liked in the senior yearbook. Am I right? _

_ Yeah, I thought so. _

_ But the messed up thing is I wasn’t even close to the only one. Once I realized what you did to me, I sat back and I watched you do it to others.  _

Harry was getting tired. He had no idea where he was heading and although he had been sitting on curbs tonight more than ever before he fell down to the pavement, bringing his backpack down to his lap. He just needed a little while to get his thoughts back in order.

_ The next day, right after Eleanor took those candid shots of us began like any other. During the period we shared Danielle came strolling in a couple minutes late. The teacher didn’t say anything, she never did when you came in late, Danielle?  _

_ Have any of you noticed that? It was like the rules never applied to her.  _

_ Despite coming in late when you sat down in your seat the person in front of you turned around for a little chat. I waited patiently until I saw her turn back around and then softly tapped you on the shoulder. You turned your head just enough that it wasn’t all that noticeable and shot me a blinding smile.  _

_ “So weird.” _

_ “I know!” _

_ “Literally, like what the fuck?” _

_ “I can’t even begin to describe.” _

_ You laughed, and turned back to the front of the classroom. And when class was over, you got up and hurried off.  _

From inside his pocket Harry felt his phone buzz. He finished it out quickly, seeing a text from his mother about whether or not he’d be home from dinner. Harry answered with a simple,  **_still not finished with the project. Think I might be out pretty late._ **

_ It wasn’t even until I set foot outside the classroom that I realized something. You never said good-bye.  _

_ I don’t know. Maybe at the time I was reading too much into this. I mean, did you say goodbye any other day? No, not often. But I just thought after what happened the previous night we’d be more than just acquaintances.  _

_ But that’s exactly what we became once more. You’d say hello as we passed in the halls,and sometimes you’d say goodbye after class. But you never spoke to me more than you really did to anyone else.  _

_ Until the night of the party. _

_ Until that night when you needed me again.  _

His phone buzzed again. With a sigh he read  **_be careful._ **

It was just like his mother to worry. She could always read Harry like a book, and he was certains he could see something was off about him. Now she probably wouldn’t stop thinking about him until he was back home safely in bed. He told her he would be and that was it, that’d keep her off his back for a little bit longer.

_ Let me tell you that later in these tapes there’s another party. One that’s much bigger, one that brings many of you into the mix.  _

That’s it, Harry thought. That had to be when he came in. He knew it. 

_ But this is the party that brings Danielle into my story.  _

_ I was at school, backpack on my shoulder and heading out of class when I felt you grab my hand. It was weird, you’ve never done that before. But I didn’t question it, Danielle. I think that’s where most of us went wrong. No one ever questioned you. _

_ “Lou, wait up,” you said. “What’s been going on?” _

_ You flashed a smile my way. And everything about it was just...flawless. I probably said something like “fine” or “good how are you” but honestly, I really didn’t care. Every time out eyes caught in the halls and you quickly jumped to another person I lost more respect for you. And there were even times I wondered how many other people in those same hallways wondered it too.  _

_ You went on to ask if I heard about the party later that night. I said yeah, I had. But I wasn’t certain if I was gonna go. I didn’t really feel like wandering around looking for someone to talk to.  _

_ “We should go together,” you suggested. And then you tilted your head, flashed another smile and - I don’t know, maybe I’m imagining this - but I really think I even saw you bat your eyes. _

Yup. That’s Danielle. Not one single person can resist her, and she flirts with literally everyone. 

_ I don’t know what went over me, but suddenly I felt a little angry. “Why” I asked. “Why should we go together?” _

_ That obviously wasn’t what you were expecting. I mean, you are who you are and everyone wants to go to a party with you. To be seen entering a party with you, that’s like the dream. That’s just the kind of admiration everyone in this town has for you. _

Has? Or Had? Because I’m sure after these tapes she doesn’t have as many fans. 

_ But what most of them don’t realize is how carefully you plan that image.  _

_ You repeated my question, as if buying time to think of a good answer. “Why should we go to a party together? Louis...so we can hang out.”  _

_ Now, I wasn’t planning on letting you get away that easily. So I asked you why. Why did you want to go to a party with me after a week of ignoring me? And, of course, you denied ever ignoring me. You blamed it on school, it’s been kicking your ass. A flimsy excuse. One I know because we took all the same classes.  _

_ And although I had my suspicions, you are who you are. And again, everyone wanted to go to a party with you. _

So you knew, Louis, Harry thought to himself. You knew and you went anyway. Why?

_ “Awesome!” you cheered. “Can you drive?” _

_ I felt the way my heart tumbled a bit. My suspicions only grew but for whatever reason, I chose to ignore them once more. “Sure, Danielle,” I said. “What time?” _

_ I watched you flip open your notebook and tore out a piece of paper. In large, loopy handwriting you wrote your address and when exactly I should arrive. You added a little heart at the end before handing it over to me and walked through the door.  _

_ Guess what, Danielle? On your way rushing out of class you forgot to say goodbye.  _

_ Okay. So now I’m going to tell you why I believe Danielle wanted to go to the party with me. You knew I was pissed at you, Danielle. For pretending to be my friend and then ignoring me the very next day. Or maybe not. But at the  _ very least,  _ you knew I was hurting.  _

_ And you couldn’t have that, no. It wouldn’t have been good for your almost perfect reputation. In your eyes, that had to be fixed. Straight away.  _

_ Now, if you’d like, the next place I’ll bring you to is Danielle’s house. 23rd Ridge street. Right down the street from the school actually.  _

Harry didn’t have to think. He had enough rest, though his legs burned from walking and his mind was still a mess. He pushed himself from the sidewalk and took the first right. He hadn’t been to the party Louis was talking about, but he heard stories. 

He remembered in tenth grade he even saw a picture from that night. Louis was standing outside by the mailbox, arm wrapped around Danielle’s shoulder. Louis was smiling brightly, and Danielle looked quite uncomfortable. At the time he didn’t think much of it, but now he kept wondering why. Why was Danielle so uncomfortable that night? What went on, and where did that picture wind up?

_ When I pulled up to your house, Danielle, your front door flew open before I could send out a text. I saw your mom out on the porch, bending down to peek inside my car curiously.  _

_ Don’t worry, Mrs. Peazer, I thought. No boys in here. No alcohol. No drugs. No fun.  _

Harry wasn’t sure why he felt so compelled to see every place that Louis mentioned. He didn’t have to, it’s not like Louis really would know. He was listening to the tapes, every single one and in order too. That should be enough.

But it wasn’t.

_ You opened the passenger side, sat down and buckled up. “Thanks for the lift,” you said.  _

He didn’t think he was following him around because he wanted him too. No. It had to be because Harry had to at least try to understand. Feel a part of Louis’ pain.

_ A lift? It seemed like someone was already having doubts about inviting me, huh? I know that wasn’t exactly the hello I wanted to hear.  _

_ Let me say this quickly, I wanted to be wrong about you, Danielle. You have no idea how badly I wanted to be wrong about it all. I wanted you to see this as me picking you up as a friend, so we could spend more time together. And that is very different from giving you a lift. _

_ At that moment I knew exactly how that party would play out for us. But how it ended? Yeah well...that was a surprise. I don’t think anyone saw that coming.  _

_ We parked two and a half blocks away. Not by choice, that was the closest spot we could get. When we stepped out of the door we could hear the music, pretty clearly. You leaned into me, eyes wide and shouted, “that’s coming from the party!”  _

_ Did I mention we were  _ two and a half  _ block away? Now that party was just begging for a police visit.  _

And that’s exactly why Harry very rarely didn’t go to parties. He was so close to being valedictorian. He couldn’t risk one mistake that could screw it all up for him. 

_ We took our place in the stream of students heading toward the party. When we got to the front yard there were two football players, big guys, that I’d never seen before collecting beer money. I went to reach into my pocket for some cash, but you just held up a hand to stop me.  _

_ When they saw us the guys smiled brightly. “Oh hey, Danielle. Here you go,” and handed her the cup with no problem. You nodded your head in my direction. The one guy with spiky blonde hair smiled down at me and handed me a cup. He said his replacement was coming any minute and maybe we could hang out. I smiled at him, but you grabbed my arm and dragged me away. _

_ “Don’t,” you said. “Trust me. Just...don’t.”  _

Harry tried to think back to whether or not he heard any stories about Danielle and any football players. He couldn’t. Basketball, yeah. Even soccer. Many of them. But football? None. 

_ I asked you why. But you were already busy scanning the crowd, I don’t think you even heard me.  _

_ You said we should split up. And does anyone wanna know my first thoughts? Gee, Danielle. That didn’t take long at all.  _

_ You said there were a few people you needed to see. But we could meet up sometime later. I lied and said yeah, there were some people I needed to see as well. Then you told me not to leave without you. “You’re my ride, remember?” _

_ And yeah, Danielle. Really. How could I possibly forget that? _

When Harry arrived at Danielle's house he half expected to see more broken windows, something that stood out. But it looked oddly normal. And like no one was home. No porch light. No lights on in any of the windows. Only one lonely car in the giant driveway. 

_ But, once again, you smiled at me. And finally you said the magic word, “goodbye.”  _

_ And good-bye was exactly what you meant.  _

“You lost?”

The voice startled him. He spun around just as a girl came from the shadows. Harry recognized her right away. Melissa Benoist. She was a year younger than Harry, and looked like he caught her in the middle of a run. She pulled her headphones from her ears just as Harry shoved his back around his neck. 

He never spoke too much to her before. But just last year when he was a junior her boyfriend of three years was arrested for domestic violence. It was a big thing, so many whispered rumors went around school. The only time Harry ever spoke to her was when he decided to approach her a week after she got out of the hospital, bruises still new and bold against her creamy skin. He had seen so many bruises on her throughout the years, but she always had good excuses for them.

Maybe Harry was blind.

He felt bad for believing all the lies she said, for not seeing it. So he approached her one day after school to tell her if she ever needed anything from him, he would be there.

It was the first time he saw her smile since she came to high school.

“Melissa, hi.” For the first time since he started listening he felt relieved to actually have someone speak to him. She smiled, brushing the hairs that escaped her ponytail from her eyes. 

“Hey, Harry. What brings you to my neck of the woods? Don’t you live across town?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah I do,” he scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. “Just felt like a walk. Guess I got lost in my own thoughts.”

He saw her tilt her head, eyes scanning over him with concern. Even though they barely spoke to each other Harry thought about how nice it would be to let everything from this night out. And she always seemed like she could be a good friend. “I’ve actually been meaning to talk to you,” she said hesitantly. 

The intensity in her tone sent nerves spiraling through him. Maybe she already knew about the tapes. Maybe she wasn’t as innocent as Harry thought.

“I saw you that night. With Louis. I saw you guys heading upstairs together. And I just wanted to ask - are you alright?”

It made his heart stop. He didn’t think anyone knew about that night. He hadn’t told a single soul, and he figured people who did see them together would be too drunk to remember the next day. Harry let out a long breath.

“I don’t know how to answer that,” he said sincerely. 

Melissa nodded her understanding. “Well, you were really kind to me once. When everyone was too afraid to talk to me, you wanted to help if you could. And I just wanted to return the favor. If you need anything, literally anything, that’s my house right there.” She pointed down the street to a cozy looking white house. Harry forced a smile her way.

“Thank you, really. But it was only that one night, Melissa. We didn’t know each other all that well.”

“Maybe you didn’t, maybe you did,” she held her hands up in surrender. “I just wanted you to hear that.” Harry felt his eyes go soft. He gave her a look of appreciation and she tapped him on the shoulder gently, slipping her headphones back in and breaking back out into a run.

Harry watched her go, thinking she was another one he should’ve befriended over the years.

So why didn’t he?

_ Was I that disappointed that you didn’t say goodbye to me, Danielle? _

_ Not that much, truthfully. It’s really hard to be disappointed when what you expected only turned out to be true. But did I feel used? _

_ Absolutely.  _

_ And yet the entire time I was being used Danielle probably thought she was fixing the damage she made in her image.  _

_ That party wound up turning into a night of firsts for me. I saw my very first fistfight-which didn’t appeal to me at all. Seriously, I don’t get why people like it. I can’t even tell you what it was about. All I knew was one minute I was standing still and then there was shouting. Then I was being pulled out of the way. A crowd began to form, egging two giant guys on. I saw them, nearly chest to chest. And I knew that was it. All they needed was a little push.  _

_ And that’s exactly what happened. A push became a shove, which right away, became a fist pounding into a jaw. That’s all I needed to see. I turned away to quickly get out of there. _

_ It was disgusting.  _

_ So I ran somewhere inside, searching for a bathroom. I didn’t really feel physically sick. But mentally...well, I was starting to feel mentally sick quite a bit lately. But after that night it really began to pick up. The only thing I could think of was that I needed to vomit.  _

From inside the house Harry saw a light flicker on. So maybe someone was home then. Or maybe they had one of those lights on a timer. Either way Harry stepped toward the side to be less noticeable. 

_ Watching those guys beat each other was just so sickening to me. Those guys felt their reputation was more important than their faces. Just like Danielle’s reputation was more important than my reputation.  _

_ Now, answer this honestly. Did anyone there really believe Danielle brought me to that party as a friend? Or when we approached together was there a group of people who were just like me, looking on at Danielle’s next victim.  _

_ I guess now I’ll never know. _

_ Unfortunately, the only bathroom I found was already occupied. So I decided to go back outside. And I just knew right then that I needed to leave. Needed to get out of there. I wasn’t sure why I bothered with these people. Why I kept bothering.  _

_ Maybe I just wanted to feel like someone really cared.  _

_ When I approached the gate, the same gate where I entered the party, I saw none other than Eleanor Calder. Standing all by herself and fully equipped with her camera.  _

It felt like it was time to leave Eleanor alone. She got her tape already.

_ When she saw me her face was priceless. And pretty pitiful. She crossed her arms, as if trying to hide the camera from my view. But why would she be doing that if she had nothing to hide? I couldn’t help myself. I asked what it was for. And her response? _

_ “Oh, uh...yearbook.” _

_ Right.  _

_ I couldn’t think that much into it though. Cause right then from behind me, someone called my name. I’m not going to say who, because it doesn’t really matter. He doesn’t have any real part in these tapes. So his identity would be hidden.  _

_ “Danielle said I should talk to you,” he said. I had to tilt my head almost all the way up just to look at him.  _

Harry exhaled loudly. After this, her reputation would definitely be ruined. And she had to have known it. 

_ I looked behind him. At the far end of the pool full of ice there was Danielle, next to the keg and talking to three boys from a different school.  _

_ The boy standing in front of me took a small sip from his red cup, eyes never leaving my face. “She said you were fun to hang out with.” _

_ I started to soften. Started to let my guard down. And I shouldn’t have. In fact, that was one of the last times I let my guard down. Foolish. Even though I was starting to loosen up I felt that Danielle believed sending a cute boy over to talk to me would make me forget about her pretending to be my friend only to ignore me a few minutes later.  _

_ Like I said, he was cute. He kinda resembled that one boy from our school I was very much interested in. And I could roll with it.  _

But something happened, Louis. What was it?

_ I asked him what Danielle said, and he just smirked and looked down at the grass. At this point, I was done with games. I demanded to know what she said about me. _

_ “That you’re fun to hang out with,” he repeated. _

_ And that was it. I felt my guard coming back up. Brick by brick. “Okay. But fun...how?” _

_ He shrugged. So I asked once more, feeling my temper start to rise drastically. _

_ Are you ready for this, everyone? Our sweet,  _ sweet  _ dear Danielle told this guy, and whoever else that was standing within earshot, that I’ve got a few surprises buried in my dresser drawers.  _

Harry felt his heart stopped. He remembered the last story. When they made that up. Yeah, when  _ Danielle  _ made that up!

_ And out of the corner of my eye I saw Eleanor start to walk away. By that point I felt tears start to prick my eyes. I asked if she said what was in there. And again, he smiled.  _

_ I could feel my face start to get hot. And my hands were shaking. I decided to ask him why he believed her. “Do you believe everything you hear about me?” _

_ And then this guy told me to calm down. That it really didn’t matter. _

_ “But it does,” I argued. “It does matter.” _

_ I left him abruptly, but I’m sure he easily got into conversation with whoever was nearby. On my way to the little pool I had a better idea. I grabbed Danielle’s arm and began dragging her over with me. “You want a picture?” I told her. “Then follow me.” _

And that was it. That must’ve been why Danielle looked so uncomfortable. She was being called out by Louis. 

_ Eleanor protested the entire way there, she obviously didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. But I never listened. I was done listening.  _

_ Danielle was in the middle of having her cup filled when we got there. I told Eleanor to wait right there, and when she saw me go up to Danielle I swear I thought she broke out into a sweet. The two people from a week ago, together once more.  _

_ I told Danielle to put down her cup or else the yearbook wouldn’t be able to use it.  _

_ But that wasn’t part of her plan. She only invited me to this party to clear her beautiful name. So I wouldn’t be mad at her for ignoring me. It was all a ruse, another guaranteed vote for her. A permanent photo linking the two of us together was something she never wanted.  _

_ Danielle tried to pull herself from my grip. “I-I don’t want to,” she said kindly. Yet very awkwardly.  _

_ I whirled around to face her. “Why not, Dani? Why did you invite me here then? Please don’t say it was just for the free ride. I mean, I thought we were becoming friends.” And that was it. I said what you mostly feared. _

_ “We are friends,” you insisted.  _

_ I told you if we were you’d put down your drink and take a picture with me. So you did. And Eleanor aimed the camera. I put my arm around your waist and leaned into you, forcing my best smile. “If you ever want to borrow anything from my dresser, Danielle...all you have to do is ask.” _

_ “Ready?” Eleanor asked. There was just one more second. Then...click. _

_ Then I said I was leaving. This party sucked.  _

_ And what did you do, Danielle? You begged me to stay. I mean, you weren’t ready to leave. And how would you get home if I wasn’t around to drive you? _

_ “Fine another ride,” I said. And I left. _

_ On the way back home I took the longest route possible. I wasn’t quite ready to be back in my bedroom yet. _

Harry had a feeling he’d be doing that all night.

_ I explored alleys and hidden roads that I never realized were there. I drove through neighborhoods entirely new to me. And that’s when...I finally discovered I was sick of this town. _

_ And every single fucking thing in it. _

Harry felt like he was starting to get there too.

_ Next side please.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't wait for the next chapter to be done. It's gonna be one of my favorites. Hope you enjoyed this though. Lmk who you think was the worst (so far) and who was the best (so far). XxX


	7. Cassette 3: Side B

Cassette 3: Side B

_ How many of you remember Oh My Dollar Valentines? _

Harry couldn’t help it. He let out a tiny chuckle. How many of them would rather forget those?

_ Those were quite fun, weren’t they It was simple, really. All you had to do was fill out a silly survey and a computer would analyze your answers, then it would cross-reference the other ones and see whom you were most compatible with. And just for one buck you’d get the name and number of your one true high school soulmate. And for five, you’d get five soulmates! And of course, let’s not forget where the money raised would go. _

Cheer camp. Money raised in the school would almost always be for Cheer camp. 

_ On the morning announcements every single day there’d be a new cheery voice shouting at us. “Don’t forget! Only five more days to fill out your surveys! It could be the best thing in your life!” _

_ It used to make me laugh. Very optimistic.  _

_ And I remember the last day. Hearing some peppy voice yell, “Today’s the day!” Then the whole squad of cheerleaders sang, “oh my dollar, oh my dollar, oh my dol-lar valentine!” And of course, it was followed by a lot of cheering and whooping. As if any of us really cared.  _

Harry remembered a day when he walked by the attendance office during it. That’s exactly what they were doing. Throwing their pom-poms around and giving kicks. It made him laugh at the time. Suddenly, he was sure he wouldn’t find it funny anymore. 

_ I’m not sure why I decided to fill out my survey. I guess I’ve been a sucker for stupid surveys like that my entire life. It was kind of a guilty pleasure, I knew I shouldn’t be interested in which Hemsworth was my soulmate.  _

_ Do you remember those careers surveys we were forced to fill out our sophomore year? They were supposed to help us pick electives for the following year, and tell us what our secret passion is.  _

_ You’re looking at the next Chocolate Taster.  _

_ I mean, it did kinda get what I’m passionate about. Chocolate was my all time weakness. But come on, was that even a real job? And if so, what electives could I take that went with that? I tossed my survey in the trash right after I got it. I figured it must’ve been one big joke.  _

Harry thought about his survey. Lumberjack. He also tossed his in the trash. He wasn’t sure how his answers brought the school to that conclusion. I mean, maybe it was because he liked camping. But still, camping and cutting down trees were two very different things.

_ So the Valentine-survey was a two parter. First you needed to describe yourself. Hair color. Brown. Eye color. Blue- _

The most dazzling, wonderful blue Harry ever saw.

_ Height. 5’7. _

It was something Harry always felt drawn to. Louis was so tiny, and Harry was always towering over people. He came up to Harry’s shoulder.

_ Body type. Average. Favorite type of music and movie. Pop and Horror. Then you needed to put a check next to the three top things you were likely to do this weekend. Which I got a little chuckle from because whoever made the list forgot to put drinking and sex, which is what most of you would have put.  _

A large bus zoomed past where Harry was sat, not even bothering to try and avoid him. 

_ In all there were twenty questions. And I could tell by the people who appeared on my list that not everyone answered truthfully.  _

_ For the second part of the survey you had to describe what you were looking for in a soulmate. Sorry Eleanor, but I did mark the male box. Then you put down their height, body type, hair color, eye color. If they’re athletic or not. Shy or outgoing.  _

_ And as I filled mine out there was something I quickly realized. I was describing one certain boy from our school. _

Harry should’ve taken his seriously. For fun he filled his survey out pretending to be Atticus from  _ To Kill a Mockingbird.  _ At the time he thought it was one big joke, and his friends all picked a character and did the same. 

_ You’d think if I was describing one particular person they’d at least show up on my top five. But I don’t know. I guess that person either didn’t care about the questions or refused to take it, because he didn’t show up on my list at all.  _

_ We got the surveys to fill out in fifth period history class. I remember being excited since I did secretly love this stuff. But after class we could either go to the office to drop it off or just throw it away and pretend we never got them.  _

_ I brought mine straight to the office when the bell rang. In the middle of the room there was this red box with the words  _ Oh My Dollar Valentines!  _ Written on it and pink hearts glued all over. I folded my survey in half and slipped it into the box, then I turned around to leave.  _

_ But, of course, Mr. Higgins was coming into the office on my way out. You remember Mr. Higgins. From Gigi’s story, the lovely guidance counselor…not. _

Harry felt his heart rate pick up. What did Mr. Higgins do?

“Louis Tomlinson!” He greeted, way too enthusiastically. “I didn’t know you and Danielle Peazer were friends.” 

_ The look on my face must have been expressed exactly the way I felt. Because straight away, he tried to take it back. “I mean...you are friends, aren’t you?”  _

Mr. Higgins always was poking around in people’s business. 

_ My first thought was Eleanor and those pictures she took from my house. And I was beyond pissed. Had she really been showing those peeping Tom pictures to our guidance counselor? _

_ It turns out no, she wasn’t. Mr. Higgins told me about the pictures he got for the yearbook club which, you guessed it, he was supposed to supervise. I don’t know why there were never any teachers in that room then. _

_ But anyway when he described the picture to me I quickly realized it was the one from the party. With my hand around her waist looking like I was having a great time.  _

Quite the actor, Louis. 

_ So I said we were just acquaintances. He smiled back and said, “well it looks like a really fun picture.” And these next words of his, well, they’re something I know I’ll remember forever. “That’s what’s really great about pictures. It’s something you can look back on and everyone can share that moment for a long time.” _

_ I wanted to laugh in his face. Little did he know all the thoughts that were just beginning to start running across my mind. It was new, and sometimes they scared me that they were even there. But they were finally starting. I thought maybe if I ignored them that things would get better, that I shouldn’t be feeling that way. Not yet anyway.  _

Harry pressed his fingertips hard against his hairline, his thumbs rubbing against his temple and he squeezed.

_ See, Danielle really thought she could jerk me around however she wanted to. But I wasn’t going to let that happen, and I didn’t. I used all my strength to jerk myself back on the road just long enough to push her away...at least for a second in time.  _

_ But now? Was this survey just another chance to let someone else throw me off? Was this survey just going to be an excuse for whatever guys who got me to finally get the chance to make their moves? _

_ And would they be extra excited to try something because of all they’d heard about me? Cause as of then Liam, Stan and Danielle all were going around saying things. Things you now know, were never true.  _

_ I remember looking back at the red box, seeing the little slit I pushed the paper through. It was too small for my fingers, but I thought I could just lift off the top and grab my survey. It’d be so easy to backtrack now. Mr. Higgins would ask why obviously, but I could just pretend like I was embarrassed about filling out that survey. I’m sure he’d understand.  _

  
  


_ Or...or I could just wait and see. _

If Harry had been smart he would’ve filled out the survey to describe Louis. Maybe they’d have gotten matched, and maybe things would’ve turned out differently. 

But he didn’t do that. At that moment he wasn’t thinking that way. 

_ I expected most students to get their list and have a good laugh. Maybe some would use it, but I figured most wouldn’t. _

If Harry had gotten Louis’ name and number he would’ve used it. And he wouldn’t have tried anything like that. All he really wanted in school was to get a chance to really know her. He had that chance once, and he fucked it all up.

_ Very little, I assured myself, could go wrong. This survey was nothing but a joke. There was no way people were really going to use it. I just needed to calm down. And that’s what I told myself when I was standing in that room, fingers itching to grab my survey and run. _

_ Calm down, Louis. You are not in any way setting yourself up.  _

_ But a small part of me was talking back. Because if I was right-if I really called it correctly-if I willing gave some guy an excuse to find out if those rumors were true...well, I’m not sure what would’ve exactly happened. Maybe I’d shrug it off. Or maybe it would cause this spiral to unroll even faster.  _

_ Maybe I really would just let go and give up.  _

_ And that was the first time the thought came across my mind and I let it  _ stay.  _ I didn’t fight it. I saw the possibility in giving up. I even found hope in it.  _

Hearing those words caused a shiver to run down Harry’s spine. This was it. He was hearing the exact moment the thought of not being here any longer actually calmed Louis. Soothed him. And it made Harry feel the urge to throw up. 

_ So what were my two options? I could leave the office as a pessimist and take my survey with me. Or I could decide to leave it as an optimist. Just hope for the very best. In the end I did walk out with my survey still in the box. And for the next few days while waiting to get my results I thought back and wondered what that made me. _

_ An optimist? A Pessimist? _

There was a pause and Harry let his eyes fall shut, absorbing every emotion in his words.

_ Neither. Just a fool. _

Whatever was left of Harry’s heart shattered altogether. 

_ “Today’s the day!” the cheerleaders said. Of course, just as cheery as usual. Maybe even more so. “Pick up your Oh My Dollar Valentines at the main office to find your soulmate! _

On Harry’s first day of work they placed him in the concession stand with Louis. They never spoke before that, and he showed him how to pump butter onto the popcorn. He said if someone Harry had a crush on came in he shouldn’t put butter in the bottom half of the tub. That way halfway through the movie they’d come back out wanting more butter. And since at that time there wouldn’t be so many people it would give them a good chance to talk.

But Harry never did that. Because the only person he was interested in was already on his side of the counter. And the thought that Louis did that made Harry fume with jealousy. 

_ I still wasn’t totally sure whether or not I wanted to find out who my survey matched me up with. But I walked into the office anyway later that day, my nerves were already driving me crazy. I walked to the counter and hesitated before saying my name, but the cheerleader there stopped me with a bright smile.  _

_ “Thanks for supporting the cheerleaders, Louis,” she said. Then she rolled her eyes. “That sounded dumb, right? I’m supposed to say that to everyone.”  _

Sounded like the same cheerleader who gave Harry his results.

_ She typed my came into the computer, hit enter and then asked how many names I wanted. I took a minute to think about it. But I inevitably smacked a five dollar bill on the counter and slid it over to her. Her smile widened as she pressed print and motioned for me to take it out of the printer. _

_ The printer was on our side of the counter, and my guess was so we wouldn’t worry about the cheerleaders trying to sneak a peek. Not that it mattered much. When I took a look at my list the cheerleader walked around to see the names as well.  _

Yup. Definitely the cheerleader who helped Harry. All his names were just who he’d expect for Atticus, and the cheerleader scrunched her name up but laughed when Harry explained what he did. Yeah, a lot of people did that she said.

_ She gave it a quick once over and pointed out a particular name. “Not bad, I like this one.”  _

_ I actually agreed that the list wasn’t so bad. It wasn’t the best, but I definitely, definitely could’ve done a lot worse. _

_ So she lifted her shoulders and called my list a shrugger, saying that she’d let me in on a little secret. For my ears only. The survey wasn’t the most scientific of surveys.  _

_ So we both came to the conclusion that two of the names on the list matched me fairly well. And there was another name that I was pleased with, though it brought an entire different reaction out of her.  _

_ “No,” she said. And her eyes feel deadly serious. No sign of cheerleader cheeriness anyone. “Trust me. No.” _

That guy, is he on these tapes? Maybe that’s who this tape is about, cause Harry seriously doubted it was about the cheerleader. 

_ “He’s kinda cute though,” I argued. What? If my little crush was going nowhere I should look somewhere else, right? _

_ “On the outside,” the cheerleader said and then she walked back around the counter. I decided not to push the subject, it looked like she was getting quite bothered. Maybe I should have though. And in a couple more minutes you’ll know exactly why. _

_ And that reminds me, I haven’t told you who’s the main man on this tape yet. But it’s all good, because luckily for him this is exactly where he comes in. _

Still not me, Harry thought. He tossed his list out and that was that. Nothing more came from it. 

_ Just then something started buzzing. A phone, maybe? I looked at the cheerleader but she just shook her head so I reached into my pocket and pulled mine out. It was a number I didn’t recognize. That got her interest, and she told me to answer it.  _

_ “Louis Tomlinson,” the caller said. “Great to see you.”  _

_ I looked at the cheerleader and shrugged. I couldn’t put a name to the voice just yet. “Guess how I got your number,” he said. I told him I didn’t enjoy guessing games so he gave in and said he paid for it.  _

_ “You paid for my phone number?” I asked.  _

_ The cheerleader giggled and pointed to my survey still on her counter. I grabbed it once more and took another look over it, but none of these names came to mind. I read the names out loud, though two I knew it couldn’t have been. Those were voices I knew too well. _

_ “Looks like you made my list,” he said. “But I didn’t make yours.” _

Harry couldn’t help but think about it. He did make her list. Not the one he was speaking of, but it was a list nonetheless.

_ I asked him where on his list my name popped up. And he told me to guess again, then quickly said he was joking. “Ready for it?” he asked, clearly loving this. “You’re my number one, Louis.”  _

_ The caller then asked me what I was doing for Valentines day and I responded with, “depends. Who are you?”  _

_ But he didn’t have to answer. Because at that exact moment I looked up and I saw him, standing right outside the window with this big, goofy smirk on his face… _

_ Ashton Irwin. _

Of course. Harry subconsciously gritted his teeth. He felt his hands ball into fists once more. He should’ve knocked Ashton out when he had the chance. 

_ Ashton, as all of you must know, is one of the biggest jokesters in our class. He was voted Class Clown all throughout high school. But not in a slacker way, from what I heard he actually got pretty good grades. Was even in an honor class. He was the kind of goof off that even the teachers loved.  _

Guess again, Louis. Apparently he wasn’t as good as you thought.

_ He never took much seriously, and of course, that made me suspicious. So I told him I didn’t believe him, there was no way. And you know what he did? He smacked his survey on the glass and let me take a look at it. And right there, at number one, was my name. Louis Tomlinson.  _

_ “I can be serious sometimes,” he added. And his normally goofy smirk, at that moment, looked really sexy.  _

_ I studied him for another moment before giving in. With a sigh I asked. “Fine, when?” _

_ The cheerleader covered her face with her hands. I’m sure that was the most interesting thing to come out of this thing. Now it was Ashton’s turn to blush, I don’t really think he expected me to agree. At least so easily. “Oh....um, yeah...how about The Nutcracker? You know, for ice cream. We’ll meet there an hour after school.”  _

_ And that’s the next place you can go, if you want. The Nutcracker, known for their amazing milkshakes.  _

_ My words came out sarcastic. “Ice cream?” But the thing is I never meant them to be. In fact, I thought it was kinda cute. So I agreed. An hour after school ended. And then we hung up and he turned and walked down the hallway.  _

_ The cheerleader slapped her hands down on the table and made me promise to tell her how it goes. And don’t go trying to find out about this cheerleader either. She was very sweet, never did anything to wrong me.  _

_ Did I ever go back and tell the cheerleader what happened that day? No. I never told anyone. And you’re about to find out why.  _

Harry decided to get up and head down the street to The Nutcracker. Not even just for Louis this time, but a milkshake sounded pretty good. Not that it would make anything better it did seem like just the thing he needed right then.

_ So if you really want the full Louis experience head over to The Nutcracker right now. Sit down in one of the stools there at the counter. And in just a minute I’ll tell you what to do after that. But first let me tell you a little bit of background on me and The Nutcracker.  _

_ I had never really been there before that day. I know, it’s pretty crazy to hear, right? Everyone in our school’s been to The Nutcracker. For some reason it’s quite the big hang out spot among the teens. But as far as I knew no one ever went there by themselves. And at that point in my life I didn’t really have any friends. I heard a lot of stories about The Nutcracker in the past though. _

_ Like, for instance, a girl I won’t name got her first under the bra experience there. _

Yeah, that was Danielle. Everybody knew about it, it wasn’t as if she tried to hide it either.

_ I always wanted to go there, if I’m honest. But I wasn’t sure with who. I love my family but I would’ve looked like a dork if we went together. And I wasn’t about to go there alone either.  _

_ So Ashton Irwin gave me the perfect excuse I needed. And it was great because it just so happened I’d be free that afternoon. _

_ Free, but in no way stupid.  _

Now that Louis mentioned it Harry realized just how right he was. Students always went to the Nutcracker in groups. Harry’s been countless times, but always with at least a group of five. He should’ve invited Louis to go with him. He should’ve gotten over his fear and tried.

_ I was a little wary of Ashton. And not really so much of him, but more the people he hung out with. _

Stan Lucas. Everyone knew they were best friends. 

_ And after the little stunt Stan pulled I never trusted him again. So it would make sense that I shouldn’t trust someone he hung out with either. Why would I? _

_ Why? _

_ Because that’s exactly what I wanted for myself. I wanted to know people actually trusted me, no matter any of the stupid shit they heard. And even more than that I wanted people to like me. To know me. To want to be my friend. I wanted them to get past the rumors and see the real me. Because if that started happening, then I had to do the same for them.  _

_ So despite everything that was going through my mind I walked into the Nutcracker and sat at the counter. _

In his pocket his phone started ringing.

_ And why you go there, if you go there, take a seat in the same place and don’t order right away. _

Harry pulled it out and took a look.

_ Just sit and wait. And wait then a little more.  _

It was his mom. 

“Hey, mom,” when Harry answered he tried maybe a little too hard to keep his voice even. If his mom caught any sign of trouble she would be out of the house in a heartbeat. 

“Honey,” her voice was soft. “Is everything okay with you?”

“I’m fine,” Harry wasn’t sure if he imagined the little tremble in his voice. Had she heard it?

“It’s just getting pretty late, and I know said you’d be late but honey, when should I expect you home?” There was a pause while she waited for his answer. But he wasn’t sure what to say, wasn’t sure how to answer. So instead, she sighed. “Can you at least tell me where you are?”

“We’re heading to The Nutcracker,” he stated. “Figured milkshakes could help with the...the project.”

She laughed, but it sounded forced to Harry’s ears. “Of course. I used to do the same. I just wanted to check in with you. You’ll text me when you’re on your way back, right?”

“Yeah mom, of course.”

“I love you.” She sounded nervous, as if unsure Harry would want to hear it right now. He said it back anyway, ignoring the aching he felt from clearly upsetting her, and hung up the phone. 

_ It’s your turn to listen to the conversations. Are people starting to question why you’re sitting there alone? Now glance over your shoulder. Did you notice a conversation stop? Did somebody's eyes just turn away? _

_ I’m sorry if this sounds pathetic, but you’ve gotta know it’s the truth. I mean, none of you have ever gone there by yourselves, have you? _

No, Louis. None of them have.

_ I didn’t think so. But let me reassure you this isn’t me being dramatic. It’s a completely different experience to go to The Nutcracker alone. And I believe deep down you know the reason you’ve never gone alone. It’s exactly because of what I just explained. And if you do go and you don’t order anything everyone’s gonna think the same thing they thought about me. _

_ That you’re waiting for someone. _

The more Harry heard the more he wished he punched Ashton outside Eleanor’s house. He was an ass. Really, maybe most people enjoyed him because of his classic wit in classes but Harry never bought it. He saw the way he treated both girls and guys. Whoever gave him any attention, he’d just eat it up. 

The funny thing is Ashton wasn’t always like that. In elementary and middle school Harry thought of Ashton as one of his closest friends. But something changed when they entered high school. He became friends with Michael, started hanging around him a bit too much. And Harry knew all about Michael, and he also knew that was a kid he never wanted to be seen with. No matter how popular he became. 

Michael wasn’t worth it.

_ So I sat there. And every few minutes I glanced at the clock on the wall. You can always do it too. Cause I promise you the longer you wait the slower the hands on the clock will move. _

Not today. Not for Harry. When he finally got to the Nutcracker he knew exactly how it would play out. His heart would be beating so fast, he wouldn’t even be able to process time.

_ After fifteen minutes is up you have my permission to order yourself whatever milkshake you desire. Because fifteen minutes is ten minutes longer than it should take even the slowest person to walk to The Nutcracker, no matter where you lived in town. And hey, that’s be being generous. Wanna know how long I waited there for? _

Harry wasn’t sure he did.

_ An hour. Somebody...isn’t coming.  _

_ Now, if you need a recommendation you can’t go wrong with a rootbeer float. I know, I know. Not exactly a milkshake. But it’s pretty damn good. After you order just keep waiting, however long it takes you to finish your drink. If an hour goes by get up to get the hell out of there. Prepare to never show your face at the Nutcracker again. Wondering what people will say the next day at school. _

_ That’s what I did.  _

_ Just as I was standing up to flee the door swung open and Ashton came strolling in. _

Harry felt his heart beat slow just a tiny bit. If Ashton didn’t stand him up...what did he do?

_ And you wanna know my thoughts as I saw him heading toward me? _

_ Calm down, Louis. I repeated in my head. You’re not setting yourself up. Calm down. Which is funny, because I was thinking just about the same thing when I convinced myself to keep the survey in the box. _

_ I guess they say trust your gut for a reason, huh? _

_ So Ashton sat down next to me and apologized. And I admitted I was just about to leave, that I believed there was no way he was coming. He looked so sincere when he spoke again, that it made me  _ want  _ to believe he wasn’t interested in anything but getting to know me.  _

_ He looked at my empty milkshake and apologized again. He said he wasn’t even sure if I would really be here.  _

_ And I mean I wasn’t planning on holding that against him. Apparently he thought we were just kidding around about our date. Or at least he assumed so, because that’s what everything was to Ashton. One big joke. He was halfway to his friends house when he thought more about it and turned back around.  _

It was as if Louis needed to gather his thoughts for the next part. There was a soft sigh, one that was filled with disappointment. 

_ And that’s why you’re on these tapes, Ashton. Because you turned around. Just in case. Just in case I, Louis Tomlinson, Mr. Reputation...was waiting for you.  _

_ And I regret to say I was. At the time I really just thought it would be some fun. _

_ At the time...I was stupid.  _

Harry finally spotted The Nutcracker, lit up across the street. He looked at his watch, seeing there were two more hours before closing time. When no cars were around he sprinted across the street. It looked almost completely empty.

_ See, when Ashton came into The Nutcracker he wasn’t alone. No. Ashton came in with a plan. Part of that plan was to move from the counter to a nearby booth in the back. And then maybe head back to his place for some alone time. He didn’t see the problem, I was already with both Liam and Stan. And now people were talking about everything I kept hidden in my drawers.  _

_ So why shouldn’t I let him have some fun as well? _

Harry pushed the doors open and took a look around. Not one person looked up as he made his way to the counter. 

_ I’m not even sure how much of Ashton’s plan was thought out. Maybe he knew exactly how he was gonna get us there. Looking back now it seemed like he did. Cause like I said, Ashton is funny. So there we were, sitting in a booth with our backs turned away from everyone else in the diner, laughing. _

_ At one point he had me laughing so hard I couldn’t even breathe. I had tears in my eyes and I really thought everything was going to be alright. I leaned over, touching my forehead to his shoulder. And I begged him to stop.  _

“Can I help you?” An older woman approached him from behind the counter. A woman Harry had seen multiple times before.

“Uh, yeah. Can I have one Rootbeer float please?”

The woman nodded her head, rang him up and said she would bring it out to him when it was done. So Harry took a seat at the counter and hung his head lowly.

_ And that’s when his hand touched my knee. _

Harry’s anger spread like wildfire.

_ That was the exact moment I knew. I stopped laughing straight away. And this time when I stopped breathing it was by choice. But I still kept my forehead pressed against his shoulder. I wanted to move away from him, but I didn’t know how. I felt frozen. _

_ There was your hand, Ashton. On my knee, out of nowhere. The same way I was grabbed in that gas station.  _

_ “What are you doing?” I whispered. My voice was so soft I wasn’t sure whether or not you’d even be able to hear me. But I guess you did. Cause your response was automatic. _

_ “Do you want me to move it?” you asked. _

_ I didn’t answer. I couldn’t. There were too many thoughts running through my mind. I still had yet to move away from you. It was like you and your shoulder wasn’t even connected any longer. Right then it was nothing more than a headrest for me while I figured things out for myself.  _

_ I couldn’t look away from your hand, the way your fingers dug into my knee. And then, slowly, you started moving it up.  _

_ “Why are you doing that?” I asked.  _

_ You didn’t answer me. I don’t think you had an answer. Instead you rotated your shoulder and I lifted my head. You wrapped your arm around my back and pulled me in close. And your other hand was touching my leg. My upper thigh.  _

_ I remember looking over at a few different booths. I caught a few people’s eyes, but they all looked away. I knew I had to look uncomfortable, scared even. But it was like no one cared.  _

_ Thanks a lot.  _

_ Below the table my fingers began trying to pry your hand off my leg. But you were too strong, you weren’t going to give up just yet. I didn’t want to yell - but my eyes were begging someone for help. Everyone turned away. No one asked if there was a problem. _

_ Why? Were they just trying to be polite? _

_ Was that it, Luke? Were you just trying to be polite? _

Luke? Luke Hemmings? He always seemed like the only good jock of the school. What could he have possibly done?

Harry hated this. He hated it more than anything. He didn’t want to find out how everybody else fit together anymore. He wished he never heard these tapes.

The curtain to the kitchen opened and the women came strolling out. She didn’t bother to give Harry a glance as she dropped the rootbeer float in front of him and walked back into the kitchen.

_ “Stop it,” I told him softly. And I know you heard me, Ashton. Because with me looking over the backrest my ear was just an inch away from your ear. “Please stop.” _

_ But all you did was tell me not to worry. And maybe you realized your time was short because your hand immediately flew from my thigh. All the way up.  _

_ So I did the only thing I could think of. I rammed both my hands into your sides, throwing you straight to the ground.  _

_ Now when someone falls out of a booth it’s kinda funny. It just is. So you would’ve expected people to laugh. But no one made a sound. It was as if they knew something was wrong the entire time, and just chose to ignore it. So again I’ve gotta say thanks so very much for the fucking help.  _

If Harry was there what would he have done? He thought it over and there was only one response that seemed alright. He would’ve helped. Because that’s simply the right thing to do. 

He shoved the straw into his drink and took a long sip. And yeah, Louis was right. This was a pretty damn good choice.

_ After that you left. You didn’t storm out. Just called me a tease loud enough for everyone to hear and turned to leave.  _

_ Okay. So now let me back up a little bit. To me, sitting at the counter, getting ready to leave. That’s how far we’re going back now. Because at that moment I really just thought Ashton didn’t care enough to show up. And that applies even more now than ever before. _

_ For the longest time, almost day one at this school, it seemed that I was the only one who ever truly cared about me.  _

_ Put every bit of your heart into getting your first kiss only to have that thrown right back at you. Have the only two people you truly trust turn against you. Have one of them use that trust to get back at the other, and then be accused of false betrayal that was out of your control.  _

_ Are you all finally getting it now? Am I going too fast? If so, keep up!  _

_ Because after all that someone comes and takes away any sense of privacy and security I had left. Then have someone use that sense of security to fulfill their own twisted curiosity. _

He finallys slows down, which is exactly what Harry needed. His mind was spinning way too fast. 

_ I began to realize I was making mountains out of molehills. I became petty, something I never wanted to become. Sure, it was really beginning to feel like I couldn’t get a grip on this town. It was like every time someone offered me a hand to get back up again they decided I wasn’t worth it. They let go and let me slip further down.  _

_ And that’s when I tried to tell myself something. As I’m sure many of you are thinking to yourselves now. _

_ You must stop being so pessimistic, Louis. Just learn to trust those around you. And so I do. One more time.  _

_ But after that...well, certain thoughts really began flowing around my head. And I was unable to push them away no matter how hard I tried. Will I ever get control of my life? Will I always be shoved back and pushed around by those you trust? _

Harry felt the hatred grow. He hated what Louis did. He just wished Louis didn’t push him away that night. And he wished with everything inside that he didn’t give up and leave.

At the thought his head fell back into his hands, and he tried to push the tears away.

_ Will my life ever go where I want it to? _

You didn’t have to do this, Louis, Harry thought. It wasn’t your only option. 

_ The next day, Ashton, I finally made up my mind about something. I decided to find out how everyone at school would react if one of their students never came back.  _

_ As the song goes, “you are lost and gone forever. Oh my darling...Valentine.”  _

Harry leaned back in from the counter, tilting his head up to the ceiling to catch his breath. He didn’t care how weird he looked. There were only two other people in here anyway. 

Right then Harry was listening to someone give up. Someone that Harry knew. Someone that Harry really, really liked. 

He was listening. Truly, deeply listening. 

But he was still too late. 

When the tape ended Harry felt his heart pounding and he could barely keep still in his seat. He was swirling his straw around his drink and thought back to a few of the times they spent together at the movie theater. 

Like the night Michael Clifford came. He arrived with his girlfriend of the week and wanted Harry to charge her the under twelve rate. Seriously. Harry always wondered how he got so many girls. And there was one time even a guy, which surprised everyone at school. But he was Michael fucking clifford. And they all got over it pretty fast. 

He remembered exactly what Michael had said that night. “She won’t really be watching the movie anyway, right Harry?” He wagged his eyebrows, and it took everything in him not to gag right then. Harry hated him. He always hated him. 

He also didn’t know the girl who was by his side, figured she was from a different school. But she placed her bag on the counter and said, “I’ll pay for my own ticket.”

Michael grabbed her wrist and told her to relax, that he was just joking. But about halfway through the movie the girl came running from the theater close to tears. And Michael was nowhere to be found. 

Harry remembered how his eyes kept scanning over the lobby, waiting for him to come out. And when the movie was over he came with everyone else, but he didn’t leave. Instead he approached Louis and stayed while more people came in. Harry watched them closely, ready to step in if he so much as touched him. 

Though Louis didn’t seem bothered, he cleaned the counter and laughed at whatever Michael was saying. It bothered Harry beyond belief. This was Louis’ job and he should’ve asked him to leave. No, he should have  _ wanted  _ him to leave. 

When it was time to close Michael said his goodbyes and stalked from the building. Harry went around the ticket booth to the lobby, ready to help him clean up. And he couldn’t stop himself from asking Louis, “why do you think that girl ran out of here so fast?”

Louis stopped cleaning. He looked up from the dust pan and didn’t answer. Not right away. Harry thought back to the way he couldn’t even raise his own eyes to look at Louis. No, he couldn’t bear to see the look of disappointment and annoyance written on his face. He didn’t want to see those emotions directed at him. Not coming from Louis. 

Eventually Louis sighed, “I know exactly who he is, Harry. I know what he’s like. Believe me.” And then he said the next words that ran through Harry’s head for the rest of the night. “You don’t have to look out for me.”

But he did, Louis. Obviously he did. Because maybe he could have helped. But any time he tried, Louis only pushed him away.

Harry could clearly hear Louis’ next words speaking his only thought for him.

“Then why didn’t you just try harder?” 


	8. Cassette 4: Side A

Cassette 4: Side A

_ Okay, so everyone’s favorite class...well, everyone’s favorite  _ required  _ class is definitely- _

Peer Communications, Harry thought.

_ Peer Communications.  _

It was an extremely simple class, not possible for even the dumbest of people to fail. And a lot of the time it was fun, Harry thought. He would have taken it if it wasn’t required.

_ It’s kind of like a nonelective elective, if that made sense. Yeah, we all had to take it. But we all would have chosen to take it anyway. Despite everyone actually enjoying it, it was an easy A.  _

_ There’s almost no homework involved. And what’s even cooler is you get bonus points for participation. Literally they encouraged you to just yell out in class. What wasn’t there to like? After I began feeling more and more like an outcast Peer Communications was my safe haven at school. I loved the teacher, and it was like the moment I stepped foot into that classroom a sense of calm and relief washed over me. And it wasn’t just me, either. I noticed everyone changed in that class. Every single person got along, no matter their social ranking.  _

Harry took another sip of his rootbeer float and leaned back. He couldn’t help but agree. He noticed it as well. That period was an unspoken agreement amongst the students to get along. 

He never knew why.

_ For one period a day nobody would touch me or snicker behind my back no matter what the latest rumor spread about me. Do you remember the teacher in that class? Ms. Cooper. From day one she made it clear there would be none of that tolerated in her class. If she heard a snicker from anyone, no matter what it was about, she expected there to be a snickers bar from that student on her desk the next morning. And if not it was detention.  _

_ And no one argued with her. For some reason everyone had nothing but respect for Ms. Cooper. It only happened one time, early in the year. Before everyone knew she was serious. And that person paid up with no argument. She might have seemed tough, but everyone loved her. Go around school and take a poll of the most liked teacher.  _

_ I guarantee you Ms. Cooper will come in first by a landslide. _

_ Each day in class we had a brief reading assignment full of statistics and realist examples. And after that, we’d discuss.  _

Harry wasn’t exactly sure where this tape was heading. But if it had anything to do with Peer communications then it couldn’t be his. Once again. Because he had that class last period, when Louis had it second. 

But he did remember hearing of Louis’ infamous meltdown one day after that class ended. He didn’t know anything about it, and he never brought it up the times they worked together at the movie theater. But he remembered his friend Ed telling him about how Louis ran out of class one day, screaming down the hallway. 

Who he was talking to? No one knew. 

But everyone spoke about it for the following couple weeks. 

_ Bullies. Drugs. Self-image. Self-hatred. Relationships. Everything you could think of was fair game in Peer Communications. And that, in turn, made a lot of teachers upset. Most thought of it as a waste of time. All they cared about was teaching us cold hard facts. They thought talking about depression and shit wasn’t necessary. What was the likelihood of someone doing this at our precious, wonderful school? _

_ I bet they’ll shut up after the news of me comes out.  _

That thought sent shivers down Harry’s spine. But he silently agreed.

_ Ms. Cooper always stuck up for that class. Every year the board talked about getting rid of it. And every single year Ms. Cooper found a bunch of students and brought them to the meeting, having them stand up to say how it helped.  _

_ Okay, okay. I could go on defending Ms. Cooper forever. But that’s obviously not what this tape is about. So let’s move on. Because I know what you’re thinking. I’m saying so many great things about this class. But something did happen, didn’t it? It must have, otherwise why would you be talking about it on the tape? _

_ Yes. It did. But I just wanna say next year, after my little incident, I really do hope Peer Communications continues.  _

Really, Louis?

_ I know, I know. You probably didn’t expect that of me. You probably assumed I was going to say this class failed me, and it should be cut. But it shouldn’t be.  _

_ Now, no one knows what I’m about to tell you. It wasn’t really the class itself that played the part. Even if I never took it the outcome very well may have been the same.  _

_ Or not. _

_ But that’s really the point of all this, isn’t it? If even one thing on this list didn’t happen things might have been very different. We’ll never know for sure, I guess.  _

He didn’t like thinking about this. That somewhere on his tape if he did things even the slightest bit different that maybe he wouldn’t be at The Nutcracker alone. Maybe Louis would’ve been with him.

_ At the back of the classroom there was this tall bookshelf. You all know what I’m talking about. On this bookshelf was a wire that stretched across, they were lined up with each self. But it had nothing to do with books. No, in the beginning of the school year we each got a brown paper bag that we could decorate if we wanted to and, of course, write our names on. Then Ms. Cooper would hang them up on these wires.  _

_ She told us that she understood people had a difficult time saying nice things to each other. But everyone liked compliments, and she wanted to create a safe place for us to be able to do that without feeling awkward or embarrassed.  _

_ Did you admire the way a student talked so openly about his family? At the end of class drop a note in his bag. _

_ Did you really like someone’s shirt, or jacket, or dress on a particular day? Let them know by dropping a note in their bag. _

_ Did you enjoy her performance in the school play? _

_ Did you notice his new haircut? _

Louis got a haircut. He remembered that. It was only a few weeks before Louis killed himself. He came into school one day with all his hair chopped off. Harry saw it outside the Peer communications classroom for the first time. 

_ But you feel comfortable, tell them to their faces. If you don’t just drop a note in their bag so they know someone noticed. And as far as I know no one ever left a sarcastic or mean note in anyone’s bag. No one used that as an opportunity to get back at someone else. It was the only time people in high school really felt like they could be themselves. We had too much respect for Ms. Cooper to even attempt anything like that. _

_ So, Luke Hemmings, what’s your excuse? _

Something happened. But what? What happened?

Harry looked up when he realized the tape had been paused. It was lying on the counter next to his milkshake now, and a finger was pressed down over the pause button.

“Harry, hey.” It was Shawn. Just Shawn.

Harry visibly relaxed. He looked up with heavy eyes. There was something hinting in Shawn’s tone. But it was hard to place. Confusion, maybe? Or concern? Yeah, he sounded more concerned. 

“Hey, Shawn. What’re you doing here?”

Shawn studied him a little too closely for comfort. “Just picking up for me dad and me,” he waved a hand over to the lady behind the counter. She nodded as if she knew him and disappeared in the kitchen. “Are you okay, Harry? You look...exhausted.” 

“I am,” he sighed. “But I’ll be okay.”

“You can keep my walkman longer,” he assured. “I don’t need it back tomorrow.” And he heard it again. More concern, this time followed by a knowing look. As if Shawn could see exactly what was going on through his head. As if he knew what he was using the walkman for. 

Harry grabbed it from the counter and shoved it back in his pocket subconsciously. The old lady came scurrying from the kitchen and placed a paper bag in front of them.

“Had it ready for you when you called, Shawn. How’s your dad and mom doing?”

“Great, Mrs. Bradly. They say hi.” 

The old lady beamed. She gave him a simple wave and walked off. Shawn turned his gaze back to Harry slowly. “Just-take your time, Harry. I mean it.”

Harry tried his best to smile. He was sure it looked just as forced as it felt. “Thanks, Shawn. See you later, man.” 

He grabbed the paper bag from the table and walked out the door, faster than what seemed normal.

_ Don’t worry, Luke. You never left anything mean in my bag. I know that, and you know that. But I also believe we both can agree that what you did was worse.  _

It was hard to hear this from Louis. Luke was such a nice guy. One of the only good popular guys in their school. If this was being said about him, what could Harry be waiting to hear?He wasn’t totally sure he wanted to find out.

_ But first, and I hate this more than you do, we’ve gotta go back a few weeks. We’ve gotta go back to The Nutcracker. To the exact moment I was left in the booth after Ashton’s little stunt, feeling humiliated and used once again.  _

Harry feels his stomach pull in tight, as if he was working through one final sit up. He let his eyes fall shut and concentrated on bringing himself back to normal. But it was safe to say he hadn’t felt normal in hours. It felt like his entire body was trying, and failing, to fight off an illness.

_ So I just sat there where Ashton left me, staring into my empty milkshake glass. If I had to guess I’d say his side of the bench was still warm because he had left just moments before. And that’s when Luke walked up. _

_ And down he sat. _

Harry opened his eyes again, and it was his turn to stare into his milkshake glass. It was half empty, which began to feel a little ironic.

_ I pretended not to notice him. Not because I had anything against him, but because my heart and my trust were in the process of fully collapsing. And that collapse was beginning to cause a vacuum inside my chest. It was like every nerve in my body was withering, pulling back and vanishing altogether.  _

Harry’s eyes burned. He couldn’t even tell if there were tears any more. He was beginning to feel numb. And he wondered if this was even a fraction of how Louis felt back then.

_ So I sat. And I thought. And the more I thought, connecting all the events in my life that led me to that moment, the more my heart fell apart.  _

_ And Luke was sweet. He went on letting me ignore him until it became almost comical. I knew he was there, of course. He was close enough to touch, and his stare was piercing me. Eventually I heard him clear his throat.  _

_ I lifted my hand to the table with all the strength left inside and placed my fingertips against the bottom of my glass. It was all I could give him, all I was capable of doing right then. I did it just so he would know I was listening.  _

Harry pulled his glass closer and dug the straw further in. Was this what it felt like to have his heart fall apart too?

_ He asked me if I was all right, and I forced myself to nod. But my eyes couldn’t look away from my glass. I just kept thinking, over and over, is this what it feels like to go insane?  _

_ “I’m sorry,” Luke told me. “For whatever the hell just happened right now. Ashton’s such a jerk.” _

_ If I was in my right mind I probably would’ve laughed. Because aren’t the two of you kinda friends, Luke? _

Yeah, they were.

_ Let me tell you now, Luke, I wanted to say something. I wanted to stop being frozen in that spot. Staring into the glass. I wanted to feel normal. But I had nothing left in me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you that I appreciated your words.  _

_ So you offered to buy me another milkshake, but I couldn’t give any response. Was I really unable to even speak? It most certainly felt like it. Part of me thought you were hitting on me, ready to use the fact that I was now alone to ask me out. And I didn’t fully believe that, but I know what people said about me. I know how guys jumped at the chance to see if it was true. _

_ So why should I trust him? The waitress came by with my bill and took my empty glass away. And soon, realizing he was getting nothing out of me, Luke left a few bucks on the table and walked back to his friends.  _

Harry kept stirring his drink. At that point there was hardly any left, but he didn’t want the glass taken away just yet. And he didn’t want to order another either. He liked it there. It felt oddly comforting. Private.

_ So my eyes began tearing up, but I still couldn’t move my stare away from the small wet circle where the glass had been. If I even tried to get out one single word I know I would have lost it.  _

_ Or, had I already lost it?  _

_ And I can tell you this. At that table, the worst thoughts in the world came into my head. It’s there that I first started to consider...started to plan...a word that I can’t even say.  _

_ I know you tried, Luke. You wanted to come to my rescue. But we all know that’s not the reason you’ve made it onto this list. But I’ve got one question before we continue on this journey.  _

_ When you decide to try helping someone, only to discover they can’t be reached...why on earth would you ever throw that back in their face? _

_ For the past several days, or weeks, or however fucking long it took you to get these tapes, Luke, you probably really believed not one person would ever find out.  _

God. Harry dropped the straw into the glass and brought one single hand up to his pounding forehead. How many secrets could there possibly be at one school? Especially concerning one specific boy? 

_ You probably got so sick when you heard what I did. I’m sure there are a few people who cared way more than others. But the more time that went on, I’m sure you started to feel much better. Because the more time that went by, the more likely your secret died with me. No one else knew. _

_ And now know one else would find out. _

But now everyone on these tapes will. They’ll all know so much shit about each other. Terrible, horrible things

_ So, Luke, did you really think I turned you down at The Nutcracker? Because you never did get around to asking me out, which means I didn’t officially turn you down, right? So what was it all about then? Embarrassment?  _

_ I’ll give it my best guess. You were bragging to your friends about your moves, told them to watch while you tested them out on me. But then I hardly responded.  _

_ Or maybe it was really a dare. Did they dare you to ask me out?  _

That’s a good guess. Harry knew people did that. Right before all this someone who worked with them at the theater dared Harry to ask Louis out. He knew Harry liked him, and that he never had the nerve to ask anyone out. And he also knew in the last few months Louis just didn’t speak to anyone. 

It was a double challenge.

Harry refused, getting angry about it. He didn’t care about being teased. If he did manage to ask Louis out he didn’t want it to go that way. He wanted it to be real. Special.

_ When I managed to break out of my daze, and before I left the shop, I heard your friends teasing you. They laughed about how you couldn’t get the date you assured them was in the bag. _

_ And here’s where I’ll actually give you credit, Luke. You could’ve come back and told your friends I was a freak. You could’ve said I was staring off into Wonderland. You could’ve pointed at me and proved it. Instead you took the teasing. _

_ But you must have a slow boil. You must have been getting more and more angry with the teasing-taking it more personally the longer it went on. The more you thought about my lack of response. And you chose to get back at me in the most childish way.  _

_ You stole my paper bag notes of encouragement. _

Harry let out a humorless chuckle. How fucking pathetic.

_ So, what exactly tipped me off? It’s simple, really. Everyone else was still getting notes-and I mean everyone. For the most insignificant of things. And anytime everyone got a haircut they got a bunch of notes.  _

_ I know for a fact there were people in my class that would have put notes in my bag after I buzzed my hair very short. _

Harry remembered seeing Louis walk by him that morning, coming out of second period. When Harry realized who it was he couldn’t keep his mouth from falling open. And Louis saw it. For a brief second there’s eyes met. Louis reached up to tug his books tighter into his chest, as if self conscious. 

He averted his eyes away from Harry so fast after that.

_ Come to think of it, I actually cut my hair off the very day Ashton and I met at The Nutcracker.  _

_ Wow! That’s so weird. All those warning signs the school told us about, they’re actually so accurate. I went straight to The Nutcracker to get my haircut. I needed a change, just like they said. Everything in my life was moving too fast so I changed my appearance. The only thing I still had control over.  _

_ Amazing.  _

Louis paused. It was silence, just static, barely audible in the background. 

_ I’m sure the school brought in psychologists with more of those handouts, telling you what to look for in students who might be considering… _

Another pause. This one was longer, Louis’ breath being ragged.

_ No. Like I said earlier, I can’t say that word.  _

Suicide, Harry finished for him. What an absolutely disgusting word. 

_ The next day, when I found my bag empty-you know after that haircut-I knew something was wrong. The first few months of class senior year I received so many notes about the tiniest things. Things I didn’t think anyone would notice. But after cutting off almost all my hair...nothing. _

_ So after my haircut, I waited a week. Two weeks. _

_ Even three. Nothing. Not one single note. _

Harry pushed his glass away from him, looking at it now making him feel sick to his stomach. “Can you take this?” He asked the lady further down the counter. She nodded to him, looking almost bored, and walked over to grab it. “Thanks,” he whispered. Or maybe it didn’t come out at all.

_ It was time to find out what the hell was going on. So I decided to write myself a note. Something simple. It read, “Louis, love the new haircut. Sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.” And for good measure I added a purple smiley face.  _

_ I didn’t want anyone to see me drop a note into my own bag, that would be extremely embarrassing, so I decided to write a note to the person whose bag was next to mine. And after class I walked over to make a show of dropping the note into the bag, all while secretly letting mine slip from my fingers.  _

_ And the next day? Nothing in my bag. The note was gone. _

There was a moment when he sounded angry, the angriest he’s been from the beginning. His voice was trembling with absolute fury, and Harry wondered if he was about to yell.

He didn’t. Instead he took a breath to try and calm himself before speaking again.

_ Maybe to you, Luke, it didn’t seem like it would be a big deal. But now? Now I hope you understand. My world was collapsing. I  _ needed  _ those notes. I needed any hope...those notes might have offered. And you? _

_ You took that hope away. You decided I didn’t deserve to  _ have  _ it.  _

The longer Harry listened to those tapes the more he felt as if he knew him all along. There were so many stories about Louis that went around, a lot of random incidents. But after hearing his side it all made sense. It wasn’t him. It was everybody else.

And that’s what he’s beginning to understand. He wasn’t getting to know the Louis from the past few years, no. Instead he was learning about the Louis from the past few months. The one nearing his end. 

The last time Harry remembered feeling close to a person, that person was slowly dying on the inside. It was the night of the party. The same night he watched two cars collide in a dark intersection. 

Then, much like right now, Harry didn’t realize they were dying.

_ So, Luke, tell me. How many of those notes did you take? How many didn’t I get to read? And what about you, did you read them? Because at least one of us deserved to see what people really thought about me.  _

Harry glanced over his shoulder, toward the window. He saw Shawn’s car still parked outside. Weird, he thought. Didn’t he get something for his dad? It was definitely going to melt just sitting there.

_ I must admit, during class discussions I almost never opened up. But when I did, did anyone congratulate me with notes? Because, I don’t know. Maybe that would have encouraged me to open up a little bit more.  _

It wasn’t fair, Harry thought. He was certain if Luke had any idea what Louis was going through he wouldn’t have taken those notes. Luke was actually a nice guy. He did a stupid thing, but he was actually one of the few nice ones. 

_ The day my self-written note went missing I stood outside the classroom with my head peeked in to watch. And that’s exactly how I caught you, Luke. With a single finger, you touched the lip of my bag and tilted it down, just enough to peek inside. _

_ Nothing. _

_ You headed toward the door without checking your own bag, which was very odd. But I mean, that didn’t really prove anything. So I had a plan. I put another note in my bad, just to be sure there’d be one in there. And I loosened it on the wire, enough so it was barely hanging on. _

_ And the next day I waited. And I saw you do the same thing. This time you saw the note, so you reached down to grab it. And my bag went falling down to the floor. Your face turned bright red, but you scooped up the note anyway.  _

_ My reaction? Disbelief. I mean, I saw it. I knew it was true. But I still couldn’t believe it. Who would really stoop that low? _

_ Originally I had planned to jump out at you and embarrass you even further in front of everyone. But when it happened I felt frozen. You hurried out of the classroom and there we were. Face-to-face.  _

_ My eyes stung staring at you, Luke. And then I broke that stare and lowered my head. And you took off down the hall. _

He must not have wanted him to explain, Harry realized. Because there was no explanation. And he saw it in Louis’ eyes.

_ When you were halfway down the hall, still nearly sprinting, I saw you look down to read something. My note? Yes.  _

_ You turned just for a moment to see if I was watching you. And I was. And for that moment, I was scared. What would you do? Confront me and say sorry? Yell at me?  _

_ What did he do, you ask? Nothing. Just turned and kept walking, faster and fast to the exit. Closer to your escape. And that’s when I realized the truth. I wasn’t  _ worth  _ an explanation-not even a reaction. In your eyes, Luke, I wasn’t worth a damn thing. _

Louis sighed. It was one of the saddest sounds Harry ever heard.

_ For the rest of you wondering what I said in the note, it was addressed to Luke by name. Maybe he sees it now as a prologue to these tapes. Because in there I admitted I was at a point in my life where those notes were the only thing I felt could keep me going. Notes of encouragement that I needed.  _

Harry looked at the window again. Shawn was still there. Did he wonder what Harry was stuck listening to?

_ But I knew I couldn’t take it anymore. You see, Luke isn’t the only one with a slow boil. _

_ I shouted after him, “why?” _

_ In the hallway people turned my way, all conversation slowing to a stop. Some even jumped. But only one stopped. And he stood there, facing me now, cramming my note into his back pocket. I screamed that word over and over. And tears finally began spilling down my face. “Why? Why, Luke?” _

And that’s exactly what Harry heard about. Louis’ meltdown in the hall. Most said he was flipping out for no reason at all. But that’s wrong. 

There was a reason.

_ So in the back of our class, Ms. Cooper had a bag that we could drop notes in if we wanted to talk about something specific. Some people felt weird about having everyone know what was truly going on. Which is something I completely understand.  _

_ And so I did just that. I wrote a note to Ms. Cooper that read: “Suicide. It’s something I’ve been thinking about. Not too seriously. But I have been thinking about it.”  _

_ That’s the note. Word for word. And I know it’s word for word because I spent an entire after school writing and rewriting that note. Until it was perfect. I wonder if anyone ever found those notes. They were all crumpled up in my waste bin.  _

_ Why was I writing it? Why was I bringing attention to that part of my brain? I mean it was actually a little bit of a lie. At this point I had been thinking about it a lot, always trying to push it from my mind. Trying to forget about the pain. On an estimate I would say I tried to push it from my mind at least thirty times a day. _

Thirty times? Oh my god.

_ My guess on why I wrote it? I don’t know. Maybe I wanted someone to figure out who wrote the note and secretly come to my rescue. Maybe. But I was careful never to give myself away. _

The haircut. Averting your eyes in the hall. You were careful, Harry admitted to himself. But all the signs were still there. Little signs. But signs nonetheless. 

But then, just like nothing ever happened, Louis snapped back.

_ But I did give myself away to you, Luke. I told you in the note. You had to know I was the one who wrote that note in Ms. Cooper’s bag. God, I wish I could’ve seen your reaction when you heard the news. When you heard what I did. _

A few days before Louis took those pills, he was himself again. He was smiling and saying hello to everyone in the halls. He looked at everyone in the eyes. It seemed so drastic, Harry remembered, because from the start of senior year he acted like that. Like the real Louis.

_ But you didn’t do a single thing, Luke. Even after Ms. Cooper read that note you refused to reach out.  _

_ What did I want from the class? Mainly, I just wanted to hear their thoughts. I wanted to know what they’d say about a student considering that. Their thoughts. All their feelings. _

_ And man, did they give me an answer. Someone said it would be hard to help without knowing why the student wanted to kill herself. _

_ Or him. It took everything in my not to chime in. It could be a boy. _

_ And after that others started chiming in. They offered little solutions. About tutoring and inviting me to sit with them at lunch. But this is something I’ll never forget. _

_ Everything they were saying-and I mean everything-came with a hint of annoyance. And then finally one of the girls in class came forward and said what I know everyone else was thinking. “It’s like whoever wrote this note just wants attention. If they were serious, they would’ve put their name on it.”’ _

Wow, Harry shook his head. Louis really couldn’t open up in that class.

_ I couldn’t believe it. _

_ But I also got my answer. _

_ After that Ms. Cooper stopped the class’ discussion. She rambled for ten minutes about what to do in that situation. But I hardly listened anymore. I was fuming at what that girl said. But I also wondered, were they just being nosy? Or did they really think knowing exactly what went on was the best way to help? _

_ Maybe it was pointless to write that note. Maybe I knew that from the beginning. Because truthfully, I have no idea what they could have said that would have swayed me anyway. Because maybe I was being selfish. Maybe I did want attention. Maybe I just wanted to hear people discuss me and my problems. _

Based on what Louis told Harry at the party, he would have wanted him to see it. He would have looked directly into Harry’s eyes, praying for him to notice. 

_ Or maybe I wanted someone to point their finger at me and say, “Louis. You’re not thinking about killing yourself, are you? Please don’t do that, Louis. Please?” _

_ But deep down I knew the truth. And that was the only person who was saying that was me. Deep down, those were my words.  _

If Harry knew, that would’ve been his words as well. He cared more than Louis ever wanted to believe. 

_ At the end of class, Ms. Cooper handed out flyers on The Warning Signs of a Suicidal Person. Guess what was right up there in the top five. _

_ A sudden change in appearance. _

Harry shivered.

_ I tried to run my hands through my short hair. _

_ Huh. Who knew I was that predictable?  _

Harry was rubbing his chin with his palm, forcing the tears to will themselves away. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Shawn in his car, parked right out in front of the window. He wasn’t eating. He wasn’t doing anything,

It almost looked as if he was staring at Harry, waiting for him. 

Harry opened the walkman and popped out tape number four, flipping it over.


	9. Cassette 4: Side B

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I don't know why but this was always one of my favorite tapes and I couldn't wait to write it which is why it's out so fast. XxX

Cassette 4: Side B

The first thing Harry hears is a soft sound-like someone drumming on a guitar. It was a slow melody, absolutely beautiful. But he also didn’t recognize the beat. It went on like that for maybe an entire minute, him sitting at the counter and staring a little too hard at his lap. And he listened, listened to the peaceful song in his ears. And then he heard the voice, a quiet voice that began singing to him. 

_ I saw the signs and I ignored it _

_ Rose colored glasses all distorted  _

_ Set fire to my purpose, and I let it burn. _

_ You got off on the hurting. _

_ When it wasn’t yours. _

_ Yeah _

  
  


It was sad, maybe a little too sad for Harry. He could hear every bit of pain in Louis’ voice. But he also couldn’t stop. He never knew Louis could sing that well, and if he could he would listen to Louis sing the rest of his life.

_ We’d always go into it blindly. _

_ I need to lose you to find me. _

_ This dancing was killing me softly. _

_ I needed to hate you to love me, yeah. _

_ To love love, yeah. To love love, yeah  _

_ To love, yeah _

_ I needed to lose you to love me. _

And just like that it was over. He heard no more guitar in the background. There was a pause. A long, long pause. And then there was a sniff, as if Louis had been crying.

_ If you could, would you want the ability to hear other people’s thoughts? _

_ My guess is yeah, all of you would. Especially now. I mean, everyone would answer yes to that question. Until they think it all the way through.  _

_ For example, if someone-anyone-could hear your thoughts right now, at this very moment, what would they hear? _

Confusion. Frustration. Maybe a little bit of anger. They’d hear the words of a dead boy blaming others for what he did. They’d hear the thoughts of a boy who, for some reason, blames Harry.

_ Sometimes we have thoughts that even we can’t understand. Thoughts that aren’t exactly how we feel, but run through our heads anyway just because they’re interesting to think about.  _

Harry adjusted the napkin holder in front of him for no particular reason. Just because he needed something for his hands to do.

_ And it’s the opposite way. If you could hear other people’s thoughts you’d hear stuff that wasn’t true, mixed with things that were. But you wouldn’t know what was true and what wasn’t. It’d drive you mad. What’s real? What’s not? A million ideas, but what do any of them mean? _

Harry glanced behind him again. Shawn’s still there. He knew he was obsessing over it, but it was weird. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Shawn was waiting for him. 

_ That’s what I love about writing lyrics, about songs. And Poems. The more abstract, the better. The kinda stuff where you’re not sure what the writer is talking about. You’ll probably have an idea, even think you know. But you can’t. Not for sure. Each word, which is specifically chosen, has a thousand different meanings.  _

This was the eighth person, Harry thought. And if it’s about poetry then it’s not for him. There’s only five more people to go. When would it be his turn?

_ I used to hate writing. Poetry in particular. But then someone came along and showed me just how to appreciate it. I was told to see it like a puzzle. It’s always up to the reader to break down what the writer truly means.  _

_ Did the writer use red to represent their anger? Or blood? Lust? Or did they simply choose red because red sounded better than black? _

Harry remembered that. In English they had a big discussion about whether or not the door was painted red for a reason. At the time he didn’t care, and he honestly couldn’t remember what the class decided on.

_ The same person who taught me to appreciate poetry also taught me the value of writing it. And when I became older I began turning them into songs, just for myself to enjoy. And I believe, even to this day, there is no better way to explore your emotions than with a song. _

Or audiotapes. That became apparent.

_ If you feel angry you don’t necessarily have to write about the cause of your anger. But it needs to be an angry song. So go ahead, write one. A song or a poem. Because I’m sure you’re all at least a little bit angry with me.  _

_ And when you’re done with your poem, or whatever you chose to write, decipher it as if you just found it printed in a book of some sort. The results can really be exhilarating. But at the same time scary. But I’ve gotta say it’s always cheaper than a therapist. _

_ I did that for a while by the way. Therapy, I mean. _

Harry couldn’t help but feel maybe he shouldn’t have stopped. It could have helped. 

_ When I realized just how much I enjoyed writing songs I got myself a spiral notebook to write them all down in. And it became where every day after school I’d come home and write something, old or new. I even have the book here right in front of me. I really think that it could’ve been enough for two full albums. Maybe three.  _

_ I’ll be the first to admit my couple first were a bit sad. Not much depth or subtlety. They were pretty straightforward, not the best if you wanted to try and guess the meaning. But the more I practiced, the better I got. And there’s one in particular I was very proud of. Which you will get to hear...eventually. But it’s not the time just yet.  _

_ Just knowing at the end of the day my guitar and notebook were in my room waiting for me made my days feel at least a little bearable. I didn’t have much else, but I still could control my own thoughts. I didn’t think anyone could take that part away from me.  _

_ To me, I supposed my lyrics were some sort of poetic therapy.  _

_ And as I tell you these stories there are certain things that I’m still learning. Things about myself, of course. But also things about all of you. You all come together linked in some way, and I hope you’re also beginning to realize that Who knows, maybe some of you have even discovered things I haven’t.  _

No, Louis, Harry wanted to say. He was barely able to keep up. It was all too much. 

_ And when I finally say my final words...well, probably not my last words ever, but my last words on these tapes, everything is going to be one tight-well connected, emotional ball of words.  _

_ In other words, a poem.  _

Harry noticed the way Shawn’s headlights turned on, but he stayed in the same parking spot. What was going on with him?

_ Looking back, I actually stopped writing songs the day I stopped wanting to know myself better.  _

_ If you hear a song that always makes you cry and you don’t want to cry anymore, most of you will just turn off the song. It’s really that simple.  _

_ But you can’t get away from yourself. _

It’s true. Harry wanted to get away. Get away from these tapes, get away from his past. But he couldn’t. It was all too late now.

_ You can’t decide not to see yourself any longer. Unfortunately unless you’re like me it’s impossible to turn off the noise in your head.  _

Harry thought back to the theater, one more time. He remembered when he first started in tenth grade, how his heart stopped when he saw Louis behind the counter. It was the first time they were able to really talk, to hang out together. And Harry didn’t know how to do that.

He used to come up with stupid excuses for his help. Getting more change, jamming the register shut. A line that for most people wouldn’t be too long, but Harry always said it was. 

Every time he called Louis over he came with a smile, as if he knew the real reason. He wouldn’t say anything though. And they’d stand so close he could feel the warmth from Louis’ tiny body. And after, every time, Louis would look up at him with those big blue eyes and say, “let me know if you need anything else.” 

And then, there were those slow nights. The nights Harry came to love the most. Louis would come into the ticket booth and shut the door. He’d sit with Harry until he was needed elsewhere. Sometimes they’d talk, always about light topics. Making each other laugh. And other times it would stay silent, and they’d simply enjoy each other’s company. Harry honestly couldn’t say which one he preferred. 

Because the truth is he loved every second he got to spend with Louis, no matter what they were doing. In those moments, no matter how brief, Louis made him feel special. They worked with a few other people but whenever Louis had a free moment he chose to spend it with Harry. And Harry always felt like maybe it meant something. 

And then there were those times someone would walk by, or glance in their direction. And Harry would pull away. But why? Why would he act like it meant nothing, when his heart ached to be closer to him?

Because of his reputation, Harry’s mind screamed back at him. It was because of everything people said, true or not. Harry was afraid. He was so afraid to let everything see the truth. And now he’ll never get the chance to admit it.

In that moment, Harry felt so much hate. He deserved to be on this list. Because if he wasn’t so afraid of everyone else, he might have told Louis how he really felt. And everything could’ve been different. 

But he didn’t. He let that fear hold him back.

_ I wound up going to a free course at the public library right on Turner Lane. I remember seeing the sign for it one day on my way home from school. Poetry: To Love Life. They promised not only to teach us how to love it, but to show us how through poetry we could always better ourselves.  _

_ Sign me up! _

Harry thought about heading over there, but it was too dark now. And part of him didn’t think he’d be able to stand right now.

_ The class began five minutes after the last bell at school rang. So every Wednesday and Friday I would race out of class to try to make it on time.  _

Looking around, Harry noticed he was now the last person left in The Nutcracker. Except for the parking lot, where Shawn still parked.

_ The class wasn’t exactly what I expected. It was in this big room with about eleven or twelve ugly purple chairs pushed together to make one big circle. And it was all older people, mostly women. But a few men too. _

_ They wrote about death, about the evilness of the opposite gender. About the destruction of this lonely world. I quickly realized the class wasn’t going to be for me. There were so many times I wanted to raise my hand and say, “so...when are we gonna get to the happy stuff? You know, bright and lively. That’s what your poster says.”  _

_ I’m pretty sure I only made it through two weeks. But something did come out of it. Something good? _

_ Hmmm, I wonder. _

Obviously not, Louis. If this is making it on your tapes, it pulled him even further in the wrong direction.

_ See, someone else was in that group. Another guy in our class, the only other student. Who was it? Well, it was the editor of our school’s very own Lost-N-Found. _

Niall Horan.

_ Ahhh, now you know exactly who I’m talking about. Everyone knows about him. And I’m so very sure you, Mr. Editor, can’t  _ wait  _ for the moment I finally say your name out loud. _

_ So here you go, Niall Horan. The truth shall set you free.  _

Harry squeezed his eyes shut so tightly. His fingers curled into fists, nearly drawing blood from his palms.

_ You’ve known this for awhile, Niall. I’m sure of it. The first moment you heard me singing you had to know this was about you. I mean, you actually read that entire song. Though I’m sure you also thought this can’t be why you’re on here. It wasn’t that big a deal. _

Oh god, Harry thought. Oh my god. That poem from the school. The one that was passed around. The one that was mocked. It was his.

_ Remember, this is one tight, well connected, emotional ball I’m starting to build here.  _

Harry gritted his teeth, his jaw muscles burned. He didn’t need this. After everything else that was taken away from him, not his own personal feelings as well.

_ Would you like to hear the last song I wrote before quitting? Before quitting writing for good? _

No. No, Harry wasn’t sure he could handle that right now. It was too much. Everything was too much.

_ No? Well you’re in luck. I told you you would. Eventually. But it’s still not time yet. Though you shouldn’t be so nervous to hear it now.  _

_ You all already read it. In poem form anyway.  _

Harry allows his body to relax.

_ Yes, some of you may recall it now. Probably not exactly word for word. But you know the song I’m talking about. It was featured in one of the Lost-N-Founds magazines. It was Niall’s weekly project of random notes or poems or drawings he’d find around campus.  _

_ He claimed that he happened to come across them by chance. That he would never just take from somebody, that wasn’t the point of his project. And I actually asked him if that was true one day when we were sitting on the steps of the library, after class had gotten out.  _

_ Sometimes, he admitted, people did slip things into his locker. So he couldn’t defend those. But everything else he just came across out of pure luck. He’d put them all together and photo copy it and leave them around school for whoever to find. _

_ “Never in the same spot,” he said. He thought it was fitting for people to stumble across his stumbled upon items. And at the time I agreed. _

_ But guess what? My song? He stole it.  _

Harry pulled a napkin from the holder to wipe the sweat from his forehead.

_ The two weeks after our class Niall and I would stay outside on the steps and talk. The first week all we did was laugh about the poems everyone else was writing. Apparently Niall joined the same reason I did. He thought it would be a muuuuuuch happier course.  _

Harry heard a sound from across the store. When he looked up he saw the old lady pull the garbage from the trash can. They were getting ready to close soon.

_ The second week on class I asked Niall if I could read his poems. I wasn’t sure what came over me. But everything he ever read allowed was so brilliant, so well worded. I wanted to know if he was picking his best poems, or if they were all like that. _

_ Niall agreed, on one condition. He could take a peek in my notebook as well. And it took me by surprise, I hadn’t expected him to care that much. Not with the talent he very clearly possessed. But I nodded anyway, and we switched notebooks.  _

_ His handwriting was horrible, so it took me a little bit longer to get through his book. But they were absolutely breathtakingly beautiful. Way better than mine I felt. And it made me feel self conscious. _

If any of his songs were like the one he sang earlier Harry was certain he shouldn’t have cared. Niall probably felt jealous himself. He never liked competition when it came to his poems, and he made that perfectly clear. 

_ His stuff sounded like real poetry. Professional poetry. And one day, I’m positive, students will be forced to sit and break down his poems from a textbook. They were that good.  _

_ I do have to be honest, a lot of his poems I had no idea what he was trying to say. Not exactly. But I still felt the emotions as if I was writing them myself. And I began to feel ashamed at what he must have been thinking as he flipped through my notebook. Because it made me realize that I didn’t spend that much time on mine. I should have taken a few more days, I should have chosen more emotional words. _

_ But one of my poems grabbed him. And he wanted to know more about it, like what made me sit down and write it. _

_ But I refused to tell him.  _

The old lady came back in, but she didn’t look Harry’s way. Instead headed back to the kitchen. He knew he should be heading out soon, but he wanted to see if he could at least get through this tape first. He had no idea where he would be heading once he left. 

_ I wrote it the same day a group of students got mad that someone was asking for help regarding suicide. Remember the reason they got upset? Because whoever wrote it didn’t want to sign their name. _

_ Fucking insensitive. _

He almost sounded angry again.

_ So Niall begged me to tell him more about the poem. To which I responded it was actually one of my songs, played on my piano. And he wanted to heard it, but I wasn’t ready. Not for that. So I tried to change the subject. _

_ For that one, I told him, the song had to speak for itself. But if he wanted to give it his best guess I’d be more than willing to sit back and hear what he thought. I still remember the way his face lit up, so excited. _

_ On the surface, he said, the poem sounded like I was fighting off the world. Maybe my parents, maybe students. But more than that, I also wanted their approval. I wanted them to stay by my side. Maybe even a boy, he suggested. It definitely could’ve been a boy who was overlooking me. _

A boy? Harry couldn’t help the the twinge of jealousy. He felt disgusted with himself. 

_ I asked if he thought it meant anything deeper.  _

Harry gripped the napkin tighter in his hand.

_ I think a small part of me was joking. I never expected him to sit there and figure my poem out exactly. I thought maybe he’d be like a teacher, discovering the most ridiculous things. Because we all know teachers overdo. _

_ But you found it, Niall. You found the hidden meaning even I couldn’t see.  _

_ I still remember the way you closed my notebook, taking a moment before answering. As if you were afraid of my reaction. Your thumb was pressed between the pages, keeping my poem available just in case. _

_ The poem was never about my parents, you told me. Not about any of the students, or even a boy. It was always about me. I wrote a letter to myself and put music to it.  _

_ I trembled when you said that. I got a little defensive, maybe even angry. And I did because you were right, Niall. About everything. I was scared at that point in my life. Scared and sad by my own words.  _

_ You went on despite my objections. I needed to hear this, you said. You told me I wrote that song because I was too frightened to deal with my internal battles. And at that point I was just using my parents, my schoolmates, a boy as an excuse. I was accusing them all of not seeing the real me, when I was only overlooking myself.  _

_ I remember searching through my bag for a tissue. At any moment I knew I would start crying. _

_ That’s why you asked about the poem, you said. Because you felt it went deeper than even you could figure out.  _

_ Well Niall, you were right. _

There was another soft sound, like he was at a piano. And it made Harry wonder if he would be able to handle what was soon to come. 

_ It went much, much deeper than that. But if you knew that-if that’s seriously what you were thinking...why the hell did you steal my song? Why did you print it-the poem that even you considered ‘scary’ in the Lost-N-Found? _

And then people tore it apart. Made fun of it right in front of her.

Some even knew. Harry wasn’t sure how, but some teased Louis about it. Harry heard them in the halls. And he didn’t do a single thing.

_ Why did you let everyone else read it? _

_ It was  _ never  _ a lost poem, Niall. So you couldn’t have found it. It did not belong in your collection. _

_ But somehow in your collection is exactly where it wound up. That's where teachers stumbled across it right before their lectures on poetry. That’s where  _ classrooms  _ full of students ripped it apart. Searching for it’s meaning.  _

And in Harry’s class no one got it right. At the time they all thought they did. But no one even came close.

_ I still remember what Mr. Parker said as he handed out my poem. He said reading a poem by an unknown author from our school was almost the same as reading a poem from a dead author. Exactly. A dead author. Because you couldn’t ask either the meaning. _

_ And then Mr. Parker glared into the room of students, as if waiting for someone to come forward. But as you know, that wasn’t going to happen. _

_ And so now you all know. And for those of you who need a reminder here it is, “The Archer” by Louis Tomlinson. _

_ It’s finally time. _

Harry’s heart began picking up as the sound of the piano began. His face was heating up, his palms growing clammy with fear. He know he read it before, but this was different. It was so much different.

_ Combat, I’m ready for combat. _

_ I say I don’t want that, but what if I do? _

_ Cause cruelty, wins in the movies. _

_ I’ve got a hundred thrown out speeches I almost said to you. _

_ Easy they come, easy they go, _

_ I jump from the train, I ride off alone. _

_ I never grew up, it’s getting so old. _

_ Help me hold onto you. _

_ I’ve been the archer _

_ I’ve been the prey _

_ Who could ever leave me, darling? _

_ But who could stay? _

_ Dark side, I search for your dark side _

_ But what if I’m alright, right, right, right here? _

_ And I cut off my nose just to spite my face _

_ Then I hate my reflection for years and years _

_ I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost _

_ The room is one fire, invisible smoke _

_ And all of my heroes die all alone _

_ Help me hold onto you _

_ I’ve been the archer,  _

_ I’ve been the prey _

_ Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling? _

_ But who could stay? _

_ Cause they see right through me _

_ They see right through me _

_ They see right through _

_ Can you see right through me? _

_ They see right through _

_ They see right through _

_ I see right through me _

_ I see right through me _

_ All the king’s horses and all the king’s men _

_ Couldn’t put me back together again _

_ Cause all of my enemies started out friends _

_ Help me hold onto you _

_ I’ve been the archer _

_ I’ve been the prey _

_ Who could ever leave me, darling? _

_ But who could stay? _

_ Who could stay? _

_ Who could stay? _

_ You could stay _

_ You could stay _

_ You could stay _

_ You _

_ Combat, I’m ready for combat _

There was a pause that seemed to go on forever as the music died out. Harry hadn’t realized his head fell back into his hands. He could barely breathe. That song said it all. Another sign.

_ So, did your teachers dissect my song properly? We were even close? And did any of you have any clue at all it was me? _

_ Some did. My guess is Niall told someone, proud that his collection was getting so much attention. Because some people confronted me about it, and of course I refused to confirm or deny it. Which seriously pissed some people off. _

_ So they began writing parodies of it. They’d read it to me before class, after class, whenever they could. In hopes of getting me to finally fess up.  _

Harry remembered that. He saw two girls singing a made up version before the bell rang.

_ It was all so stupid and childlish...and just plain cruel. _

Those girls were relentless. They brought in a new poem every single day. And Louis tried his best to ignore it. He simply would walk into class and pull out a book, pretending to read before Mr. Parker got to class. 

It hurt Harry to watch. But he was too scared to do anything.

_ Again, maybe this really doesn’t seem like a big deal to you. And who knows, maybe it isn’t. But school hadn’t been a safe haven of mine for a really, really long time. And after those photo escapades, Eleanor, my bedroom no longer felt safe either.  _

_ Now, suddenly, even my own thoughts were being offered up for ridicule. The one thing I thought I had control over. _

Once in that class Harry remembered when those girls were teasing Louis he looked up. And their eyes met for a moment. A flash. As if he knew Harry had been watching. And even thought no one noticed them, he turned away.

Leaving Louis alone.

_ So very nice, Niall. Thank you. You’re a true...poet. _

Harry ripped the headphones from his ears and placed them back around his neck. Just in time, he thought. As the old lady was coming out they met eyes, and she pointed at the clock. But she looked a little uncertain, as if she could see in his eyes there was something wrong.

Harry nodded to her, lifting a hand in goodbye and headed out the door.

When the glass door shut behind him he heard three locks immediately slide into place. 

So now where? Home? The library? The park? If he decided to go to the library he could sit on the concrete steps and listen to the remaining tapes there. That did sound like a good-

“Harry!” 

It’s Shawn’s voice. His headlights flashed three times, and Harry saw his window was all the way down. Harry hugged his jacket around his waist as he walked over. But he didn’t lean in, he wasn’t really in the mood for talking. 

They’ve known each other for years. But they were the type of friends who ever really joked around, never had a serious conversation. But Harry was afraid that now, Shawn wanted to have one. He’s been sitting in his car the entire time, letting whatever he got melt. Waiting. What could be on his mind?

Shawn couldn’t look at him. Instead he reached out to adjust the mirror. And then he let his eyes fall closed and his head fell back against the headrest. “Get in, Harry.” 

“What? Is everything okay?”

After a moment passed he slowly nodded his head. Harry walked around the front of the car and opened the passenger door to take a seat. It was warm inside. He placed his backpack on his lap and shut the door behind him. 

“Where are we going?” 

“Nowhere yet,” he said. Then with a little sigh he placed his hand to his forehead. He still couldn’t look at Harry. “You’re the ninth person I’ve had to follow, Harry.” 

Shawn’s words don’t register. “What? What are you talking about?”

“The second set of tapes,” he went on softly. “Louis wasn’t ever bluffing. I’ve really got them.”

“Oh god,” Harry murmured. His head fell back into his hands. He was beginning to feel sick once again. His forehead was pounding once more as well. With the base of his palm he pressed on it. Hard.

“It’s alright,” Shawn assured. But it wasn’t. Nothing’s been alright for two weeks. Now Harry was the one who couldn’t look at him. “Who were you listening to in there?” 

“What?” 

“Which tape are you on, Harry?” He sounded eager. There was a part of Harry that wanted to just deny it, pretend he had no idea what Shawn was talking about. Just jump out and run down the street. But it wouldn’t matter. Either way, Shawn knew the truth.

“I just finished Niall’s.” Then Harry looked at him. He seemed a little too nervous. “What?” No answer. “Why did Louis give the second set to you?”

“I’ll tell you everything,” he said quietly. “If you just listen to the next tape first.”

But it didn’t make any sense. Nothing made sense anymore. “Why?”

“I’m not joking, Harry. Just listen to the tape.”

And Harry knew Shawn wasn’t joking. But he wasn’t going to let him get away with this so easily. “Answer my question first.”

“Because it’s about you Harry,” he places both hands tightly on the steering wheel. “The next tape is about you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now you know. The next tape is probably the one you've all been waiting for. Poor Harry ): XxX


	10. Cassette 5: Side A

Cassette 5: Side A

Nothing.

Harry’s heart didn’t jump, his eyes didn’t flinch. He didn’t even breathe. But then-

His arms snapped back, elbow slamming into the seat. He smashed his fist into the door. Instead of pounding his head against the window he lets it fall back against the headrest. Shawn reached over to lay a hand on his shoulder. “Listen to it,” he said. “And don’t leave this car.” 

He turned on the engine. 

With tears now falling freely down his face he rolled his head to the side, just enough to look at Shawn. But Shawn didn’t even blink in his direction, he was now staring straight ahead. 

So Harry popped open the walkman and pulled out the next tape from his backpack. His tape. He was number nine. 

Shawn put the car into gear and began driving from the parking lot. Harry didn’t bother to ask where they were headed, he couldn’t have cared less in that moment. 

Without looking Harry slides his thumb over the top of the walkman, feeling for the button that will drop him into his own story. 

_ Romeo, oh Romeo. Wherefore art thou, Romeo? _

Harry’s heart was pumping viciously at the sound of Louis’ voice.

His story. His tape. And this is how it began.

_ That’s a really good question, Juliet. And I always wished I had the answer.  _

“Harry, it’s going to be okay!” Shawn had to shout over the sound of the engine, as well as the voice in his ear.

_ So if I’m being completely honest with you guys, there was never exactly a certain point in my life where I thought Harry Styles…he’s the one. _

Just hearing his name made the pain in his head double. Harry felt an excruciating twist in his heart. 

_ And I’m not even sure how much of the real Harry Styles I got to know over the years. I think most of what I heard was just second-hand information. But that’s the real reason I felt like I needed to know him better. Because everything I heard - and I mean literally  _ everything  _ \- was good! _

_ It was one of those things where once I noticed it, I couldn’t stop noticing it. Like Zac Efron, for example. He’s always wearing some sort of Laker’s merch. Like, seriously. Whether it be a shirt, or shorts, or hat, maybe even socks. Or if he’s wearing a Laker’s sweatshirt and it’s the only merch he has on he won’t take it off all day. No matter how hot. The next time you see him you’ll notice it too. And then I promise you won’t stop noticing it. _

Harry couldn’t help feeling impatient. Yeah, he noticed Zac’s obsession long ago. But what was the point of bringing it up now?

_ So that’s how it began. Overhearing gossip about Harry Styles became a personal game of mine. I just wanted to see how long I could go on only hearing good things about him. I think I really just wanted to hear something - anything - juicy. Because no one can be that perfect. I didn’t want to spread gossip, really I just couldn’t understand how someone could be that good. _

Harry glanced at Shawn and rolled his eyes. He couldn’t hear, but he was smiling anyway.

_ If he  _ really  _ was that good then...wonderful! Great! But it just seemed unlikely. So instead I would think how long could I go on like this? How long will someone break before they talk about the insane thing Harry Styles did the night before? _

_ Normally when one person has a stellar image there’s always someone waiting in the wings to tear them apart. At least one person is just hoping someday soon that one fatal flaw would come forward and expose itself.  _

_ But not with Harry. _

_ I hope this tape doesn’t make any of you want to come forward and try to find whatever dirty little secret Harry must be hiding. Because he’s gotta have at least one or two of them, right? _

He’s got a few, yeah. Doesn’t everyone?

_ But wait, isn’t that what’s happening right now, Louis? You’re setting him up, making him seem as perfect as possible, before coming forward to rip him apart. You, Louis Tomlinson, were the one waiting in the wings. Hoping to find that flaw. And then you found it. And you can’t wait to tell everyone what it is and destroy his image. _

_ To which I say...no _

Harry felt a deep breath escape him, almost a sigh of relief. He hadn’t even noticed he was holding it in. 

_ I hope you’re not disappointed. I hope you’re not just listening to these tapes for the drama. I really hope these mean more to you than that.  _

_ Harry, love...your name does not belong on this list. You don’t belong here like the others. It’s like that one song. “One of these things is not like the others. One of these things just doesn’t belong. _

_ And that’s you, Harry. But unfortunately you’ve gotta be on these tapes so that I’m able to tell my story. To tell it more completely.  _

“Why the hell do I have to hear this then?” Harry found himself asking. He tore the headphones from his ears and tilted his head to look at Shawn. He was staring straight ahead, hands gripping on the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were turning white. “I would’ve been so much happier never hearing this.”

Shawn shook his head, glancing in the rear view mirror. “No. Come on, Harry. We both know it would’ve made you insane not knowing what happened to him.” 

There was something hinting in Shawn’s tone. Something that confused Harry. “What do you mean?”

“Seriously? I know we’re not really close but I still have two eyes. And it was obvious to everyone you drooling over Louis. You need to know what happened. It’s the only way you can begin to move forward.”

Harry stared through the windshield toward the white lines that were glowing beyond the headlights. Harry knew he was right.

“Besides, I think Louis wanted you to know what happened more than anyone else.”

Harry didn’t understand what Shawn meant by that, so he didn't answer.

_ So, I’ve come to notice there are some major gaps in my story. And some of those I couldn’t bring myself to tell. There was something so terrifying about saying certain things out loud. Because they were events I haven’t yet come to grips with...that I don’t think I’ll ever come to grips with. And if I never have to say those words out loud, then maybe it’d be easier to pretend like they never actually happened. Right? _

_ But does that lessen the pain of any of your stories? Are you guys really less responsible just because I’m not telling you everything?  _

_ No.  _

_ You don’t know what went on in the rest of my life. At home, or even at school. You don’t know what really goes on in anyone’s life but your own. And when you take part in messing with even one single piece of a person’s life, you’re not messing with just that piece. Unfortunately it doesn’t work that way. When you mess with one part of a person’s life...you’re messing with their  _ entire  _ life.  _

_ So listen closely to this. And think about my next words the next time you think a rumor is just a rumor. Or a laugh is just a laugh. Because it’s so much more than that. _

_ Everything...affects everything. _

_ And these next few stories are centered around one night. _

The party, Harry thought. Louis’ words were starting to make sense to him. So much happened that night. So much he never got answers for. Something inside him knew that was about to change. 

_ They’re centered around  _ our  _ night, Harry. And you know exactly what I mean when I say our night. Because throughout all the years we spent together at the movie theater, and all the classes we shared, there was only one night when we connected. _

_ When we really connected.  _

_ This night will drag many of you into my story. One of you for the second time. It was such a random night, a random party. A party that none of you can take back.  _

Harry hated that night. Even before these tapes, he hated it. It all started so well too. And then ended with him running to tell an old woman that her husband should be fine. But he was lying. Nothing about that night was fine. Because while Harry was running to the house the young driver in the other car was dying. 

_ Let’s get one thing straight. Harry, I wasn’t even supposed to be at that party. I was in the beginning stages of just giving up, so my grades had been slipping pretty fast. My mom asked for reports from my teachers every week and when she saw no improvements she grounded me.  _

_ In my house, being grounded meant I had one hour to get home from school. Only one hour of freedom each day. That was until I found the strength to bring my grades u.  _

They were at a stoplight, yet Shawn still kept his eye straight ahead. Does he not want to see Harry cry? Because he wasn’t, not yet anyway.

_ During one of my Harry Styles gossip sessions I heard he was going to be making an appearance at the party that night.  _

_ And what? Harry Styles actually at a party? Unheard of. _

Harry used the weekends to study. It wasn’t his fault most of his classes had tests on Mondays. 

_ What was funny was I quickly found out I wasn’t the only person in school thinking that either. No one could figure out why they never saw you at parties. I mean, you were that guy who was friends with practically everyone. Popular yet you didn’t even realize it.  _

_ All the students had different theories as to why you never showed up. But guess what? That’s right. Not a single one was bad.  _

Harry rolled his eyes. Give him a break. 

_ Now normally I wouldn’t have thought about sneaking out of the house that night. It’s not because I’m a goody-two-shoes or anything. It’s just my window isn’t the easiest to climb out of. It just isn’t really worth the hassle when they’d be a hundred more parties to go to. But that night? I had to go. If Harry Styles was going to be there, count me in.  _

_ For those of you who don’t yet know what party I’m talking about then Brendan Rowan’s place. One of the biggest parties of the year. People were talking about it for months after. You’ve gotta know the one I’m talking about now. _

Is that where they were going?

_ Which mean now some on you know exactly where you fit in. But you’ll just have to sit back and be patient until your name pops up to hear what I’m going to say. To hear just how much I’m going to spill. _

_ That night I decided that walking to the party would be a nice change. It wasn’t too far from my place, and my parents would probably notice if I took the car. Besides, it was a really nice night out. It felt relaxing. That previous week we had a ton of rain, and I can still remember the clouds were hanging low and thick. The air was really warm for that type of night too. It was my absolute favorite type of weather. _

_ Felt just like pure magic.  _

Harry remembered that night as well. He, too, had decided to walk to the party. It was also his favorite type of weather.

_ Looking back now it’s kinda funny. As I was passing houses by on my way to the party it felt like life held so many possibilities. Limitless possibilities. And for the first time in a  _ long  _ time...I felt hope.  _

Harry remembered feeling the same way that night. He forced himself out of the house for that party. He was ready for something new to happen. 

_ Hope?  _

Harry heard the soft chuckle Louis gave.

_ Well, I guess I misread everything. _

Looking back now would he still have gone? After everything that happened between the two of them? The answer was easy. Yes, he would have. Maybe he would do things differently. But he still would have shown up.

_ It was simply the calm before the storm.  _

_ With every step I took toward the party I felt the feeling of hope fade. It morphed into one of loneliness. The air was beginning to feel heavy, and for some reason that loneliness stayed with me the entire night.  _

_ Even the best moments of that night were affected by that feeling. I kept wishing I could go back to how things were before I moved to town. But I knew that was simply impossible. You can’t go back to how things were. How you thought they were. _

_ All you really have is...now.  _

And Harry and everyone else on these tapes can’t go back either. From the moment they found a package on their doorsteps they were different. 

_ And that explains my overreaction, Harry. That explains why I had to put you on these tapes. Not to tell you everything you did wrong. Not to put you on blast in front of others. But to explain. To say I’m sorry. To let everyone else know just how much I actually cared about you. And… _

_ And I  _ think  _ you cared about me too. _

Did he remember? Harry wondered if Louis remembered the apology he said that night. He wondered if Louis could see how much Harry wanted to stay. Could Louis see it in his eyes? 

Impossible. By that time Louis wasn’t even looking at him.

_ By the time I got to Brendan’s house the party was well underway. Most people, unlike me, didn’t have to wait for their parents to fall asleep before going there. The usual crowd of drunk jocks were hanging out outside the doors. They were greeting everyone as they approached.  _

_ They were harmless, of course. Just the kind of jocks looking to have a good time. Not looking to fight. Not looking to hook up. Just get drunk and laugh with their buddies.  _

Harry remembered those guys. He was walking up the steps when the group raised their cups of beer in his direction and began chanting his name as he walked inside. “Harry! Harry! Hazza, watcha doin’ here? Ba-hahahahah!” When he looked back they were already on to something better. 

_ The music was just as loud as every other party, and of course no one was dancing. It really could have been mistaken as any other high school party. Except for one thing...Harry Styles.  _

_ I’m sure you heard a lot of sarcastic remarks when you first arrived, Harry. But I arrived so late that by that time you were just part of the party. But unlike everyone else...you were the whole reason I came.  _

_ With everything going on in my life - everything that I was beginning to feel - I wanted to talk to you. Really talk. At least once. Not those short conversations we had at the theater. Or at school. No, a chance to sit down and just ask ‘who are you’? _

They never got that chance because Harry was so afraid. He was afraid of what others would say, yes. But also afraid he had no chance. 

That’s really what he thought. And he became fine with that, overtime. Because what if he did let Louis in and Louis wound up being just like everyone said? What if Louis wasn’t the person Harry hoped he would be?

He thought that would hurt the most.

_ As I stood in line to get my cup filled with beer you walked up behind me. _

_ “Louis Tomlinson,” you said. And I turned toward you. I had to tilt my head all the way up just to look into your eyes. “Louis...hey.” _

When Louis first arrived Harry had a minor freak out. It caught him off guard. It was already getting so late, he figured he wasn’t planning to show up. So he turned around and ran through the kitchen and out the back door. 

It was too soon, Harry told himself. But he went to that party telling himself if Louis came to that party they were going to talk. Have an actual nice conversation. He didn’t care who saw or if Louis might reject him. He was going to try. But then there he was, walking into the house. 

And Harry just freaked out. 

_ I couldn’t believe it. Out of the blue, there you were. _

Harry couldn’t stop a chuckle. He beat himself up for like fifteen minutes before marching back inside and up to him. It was the hardest thing he had to do.

It was anything but out of the blue.

_ “I don’t know why,” you said, “but I think we really should talk.” And I agreed, with probably the biggest and dumbest smile plastered on my face. _

Not at all. It was so beautiful.

_ Then you glanced down at your empty cup, poured half of your drink into mine and asked if I wanted to go sit down.  _

_ And please don’t read into that people. I know when someone is trying to get me drunk. And if he was he would have filled it all the way up. And it wasn’t like that. It didn’t seem that way to me. _

It wasn’t. But no one’s going to believe that. 

_ So we walked into the living room, where one side of the couch was already occupied. _

Yeah, by Liam Payne and Gigi Hadid. 

_ But there was plenty of room on the other end, so we sat down. And want to know the first thing we did? We set our cups down and started talking. Just...like...that. _

Louis had to remember the two people being them. But he didn’t say their names, why? It must have stung. The first boy he kissed, the one who started it all, with the girl who slapped him. It was like Louis could never escape his past. 

_ I’ve gotta admit, everything I had hoped for was happening. The questions were personal, as if two old friends catching up for the time they let pass. Yet somehow they never felt intrusive.  _

For some reason Louis’ voice coming from the headphones felt warm, comforting. So Harry placed his hands to press them against his ears, as if trying to keep his words from escaping.

_ I still think the reason they didn’t feel intrusive was because I actually wanted you to get to know me.  _

_ And it seemed like you could know me, Harry. Like you’d actually understand anything I would tell you. And the more we spoke the more I understood why. The same things excited us, the same things bothered us. I wanted to tell you everything. _

Louis could have. That night nothing was off limits. He would’ve stayed up all night if that's what it took to make Louis feel okay. 

_ I wanted to tell you everything, and that hurt because some things were just too scary. Some things even I didn’t understand. I didn’t get it. How could I want to tell someone - someone I was only really talking to for the  _ first  _ time - everything I was thinking?  _

_ I just couldn’t. It was way too soon… _

But it wasn’t.

_ Or maybe it was actually too late.  _

Louis’ voice turned dark. Just for a moment.

Why wait until now, Louis?

_ Harry, you kept saying you knew things would go easy between us. You felt it for a long time, you said. You knew we’d get along. That we would connect.  _

_ But how? Because you never explained that to me. How could you really know? I heard what everyone said about me in school. I heard every single rumor and fucked up lie that’ll always be a part of me.  _

He hoped they weren’t true. He really hoped.

_ I was...breaking.  _

_ I was breaking and I couldn’t stop thinking if only I talked to you sooner. We could have been...maybe we could’ve...I don’t know. But by that night things had gone too far. My mind was set. Not on doing...what I did. But it was set on graduating. On finishing school and moving away and never coming back. It was set on never getting close to anyone. That was my plan. I’d graduate, then get the hell out.  _

_ But then? Then I went to a party. I went to a party just to meet you, Harry. _

_ And why did I do that? Was it to subconsciously make myself suffer? Because that’s what it felt like. I was hating myself for waiting so long. Hating myself because I knew it wasn’t fair to you.  _

But the only thing that didn’t feel fair was these tapes, Harry thought. Because he was there. They were talking. Harry was listening. And he was ready for whatever Louis wanted to say.

_ Eventually the girl next to us on the couch got so drunk she was laughing and bumping into me every few seconds. It was kinda funny at first, but honestly got old pretty quick.  _

Why wasn’t Louis saying her name?

_ I started to think maybe she wasn’t so drunk after all. And just wanted the whole couch to her and the guy she was with.  _

_ So Harry and I left.  _

_ We walked around the party, shouting over the music wherever we went. And after a little while I successfully spun the conversation around to lighter topics. We needed to laugh, but it was so loud everywhere we went it was a little too hard to hear each other.  _

_ So we wound up in a doorway to some empty room. _

Harry remembered everything that happened next. If he closed his eyes he could almost picture it. But what about Louis, how well did Louis remember? 

_ While we were standing there, with drinks in our hands, we couldn’t stop laughing. And yet the loneliness I entered the party with began filling me even deeper.  _

_ But I wasn’t alone. And I knew that. For the first time in a long time I was actually letting myself connect with another person. How in the world could I possibly be alone? _

You never were, Louis. Harry would’ve been there for it all. If only you let him in.

_ Because I wanted to be. That’s really all I can come up with, it’s all that makes sense to me. Seriously, how many times had I let someone in only to have it get thrown back in my face? Right then, with Harry, everything seemed good. But it had the potential to be way, way worse than any of the others. Because I could already feel myself falling. _

Harry wouldn’t have let that happen.

_ So there you were, Harry. Letting me connect with you. And you were exactly what I needed. You made me laugh, harder than anyone else before. And you were a perfect gentleman. Never even put a single finger on me. You were everything I ever wanted.  _

_ And so I kissed you. _

Harry smiled at the memory. It was the best kiss he had, it felt like they could be doing it for the rest of their lives.

_ A long and beautiful kiss.  _

_ And what did you do when we broke apart? With the cutest, littlest smirk you asked, “what was that for?” _

_ To which I said, “oh shut up,” and pulled you back in.  _

_ Eventually we went inside the room and shut the door behind us. I’m still not sure which one of us managed it, since neither was ready to break the kiss. We stumbled further into the room and it felt so nice to finally be alone. We were on one side of the door, and the craziness of the night was on the other.  _

_ You’re all probably wondering why you haven’t heard about this. Because you all found out just who Louis Tomlinson made out with. _

It was because Harry never told. Not one single person. It wasn’t any of their business.

_ Well you’re obviously very wrong. You only thought you found out. Haven’t any of you been listening? Or maybe you just paid attention to the tape with your name on it. Because I could count on one hand - yes, one hand, everyone I’ve ever kissed. But you probably thought I needed all my fingers and all my toes just to get started, right? _

_ So, what is it? You don’t believe me? Well, guess what? I don’t care. Because the last time I cared what anyone thought about me was that night.  _

Harry unbuckled and leant forward in his seat, pressing his hands to his mouth. A scream escaped him, no matter how hard he tried to hold it back.

Shawn kept driving.

_ Now, better get comfortable. Because I’m about to tell you exactly what happened in that room between Harry and me. Are you sure you’re ready for it? _

_ We kissed. _

_ And that’s it. We kissed.  _

Harry felt his cheeks heat up. With embarrassment? Anger? He wasn’t sure.

_ And it was wonderful, both of us lying on the bed. One of his hands resting on my hip and the other tangled in my hair. Both of my arms were wrapped around his waist, trying to pull him closer to me. And if I’m being completely honest, I wanted more. I really, really did.  _

That’s when Harry finally said it. Those three words. “I’m so sorry,” it was just a breathy whisper between kisses. But he wanted Louis to know he was there. And he no longer was willing to believe what others said. And he was so sad. So sad it took that long to get to where they were. 

_ Those kisses felt like first kisses. Kisses that were telling me maybe it was possible to start over if I wanted to. With him. _

_ But start over from what, exactly? _

_ And that’s when I finally thought back to you, Liam. I hadn’t let myself think back to you in a really long time. But there I was, thinking about our first kiss. My real first kiss and how great it felt at the time. And then I thought about how you ruined it.  _

_ “Stop,” I told Harry. I jerked my lips away from his and pressed my hands to his chest. _

Louis pushed him away.

_ Harry, could you feel everything I was going through? I heard so much pain in my own voice. Did you hear it? You must have. _

No, Harry had no idea. Louis hid it too well.

_ I squeezed my eyes shut so tightly it was actually painful. And in that moment I was trying to push everything out of my head. Everything I was hearing, everything I was seeing. Because what I saw was every single person on this list...and more. Everyone up to that night. Everyone who caused me to be so intrigued by Harry’s reputation. _

_ Because let’s state the facts, his reputation was so different from mine.  _

No, no. Harry didn’t think that was true one bit. 

_ And I couldn’t help that. Because what all of you thought of me was out of my control. _

_ Harry, your reputation was totally deserved. I saw it that night. You were everything the students at our school thought. But mine? Mine was not. And there I was, with you. _

_ Adding to my reputation.  _

But it was never like that, because Harry was never planning on telling.

_ And you were good about it. You easily could’ve run to your friends. Made up more rumors. But instead I heard nothing. And I kept waiting. Even knowing and seeing how good you were. That’s how much my trust was destroyed. I was waiting for you to tell.  _

_ But you never did. You let it be our little secret.  _

_ “Stop,” I repeated. And this time I moved my hands to your stomach and gave you a hard push. So you fell to the floor and looked up at me. I turned my head to the side and buried it in the pillow. I knew I couldn’t face looking at you.  _

_ You started to talk but I made you stop. I couldn’t deal with hearing your words either. I knew they’d be comforting. I knew you’d show you cared. And I just couldn’t handle that. So when you tried talking once more I screamed.  _

_ I screamed into the pillow.  _

_ And then you stopped talking. You heard me. _

_ I could hear your feet move as you stood up to leave the room. But it took forever for you to realize that I was being serious.  _

It took forever because Harry was hoping he’d be stopped. 

_ Even though my eyes remained shut, face still buried in the pillow, I could see the light flood the room when you opened the door. And I saw it fade once more when you shut it behind you. And then you were gone.  _

Why? Harry couldn’t stop the question from repeating itself in his brain. Why did he leave? Louis needed help, and Harry could’ve been the one. 

But he was just so scared. And he didn’t know what to do.

_ After you were gone I slid down to the floor. And I just sat there, hugging my knees and crying.  _

_ That, Harry...that’s where your story ends. _

_ You left that room and we never spoke again. _

_ At school I would see you try to catch my eye, but I always looked away. Too embarrassed and scared to let you in again.  _

_ When I got back home that night I ripped a piece of paper from my notebook and began writing one name after another after another. All the names in my head when I stopped kissing you. And there were so many names, Harry. Four dozen at least. And then I began making connections. _

_ I started with your name first, Liam. And drew a line from you to Stan. Then Stan to Gigi. And I kept going. Bypassing names that didn’t fit in, that were just incidents all by themselves.  _

_ My anger and frustration with all of you turned to tears and then more anger every time I found a new connection.  _

_ But then I reached Harry - the real reason I went to this party. And I drew a line back, back to a previous name. _

Liam. It had to have been Liam. 

_ In fact, soon after you left, Harry, that person reopened the door.  _

It had to be Liam because on his tape he said he’d reappear. He told him to wait for it.

_ But since that person’s already received the tapes you can just skip him when you pass them on. In a weird, roundabout way he caused a new name to be added to this list. So that’s really who should receive the tapes from you. _

_ And yes, Harry. For all this...I’m really sorry too. _

Harry’s eyes stung. He wasn’t sure if it was the salt from his tears, for he hadn’t closed them since he learned what Louis did after he left the room.

Every muscle in his neck burned as he tugged the headphones from his ears. He felt like he was going to be sick. Shawn slows the car and pulls over to the curb. It’s just a random back street. Wherever they were going, it couldn’t have been here.

“You okay?” Shawn asked. 

Harry shook his head no. 

“Are you going to be okay?”

He leant back, unsure of how to answer. So instead he said, “I miss him.” 

“I miss him too,” Shawn admitted. When Harry looked over his head is down. Was he crying? Or maybe just trying not to cry.

“The fucked up thing is I didn’t even realize how much I missed him until now,” Harry admitted. Shawn sat back in his seat and looked over. “I didn’t understand anything that happened that night. One minute I was so happy, thinking maybe this was it. We could do this for real. And then he was pushing me away. Never even looked at me after that.” Harry looked out the window. “I mean, we only really had that one night together. And looking back now it felt like at the end of it I didn’t know him at all. I didn’t even think he liked me back. But now I know. I know he did. I know exactly where his mind was at that night. There was so much I could’ve done. But I didn’t do anything.”

Harry’s voice breaks, and in that break came an entirely new flood of tears. 

Shawn didn’t respond. He looked out into the empty street and let Harry sit there and miss him. To miss him every time he took in another breath. To miss him every time his heart beat once more. Just miss him with everything Harry had left.

He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and gave a humorless laugh. “Thanks for listening to that.”

Shawn turned his blinker on and looked over his shoulder, pulling them back onto the street. “You’re welcome,” he said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg so sorry this took forever, I feel like time just flew by. Hope everyone is being safe with what's going on. XxX


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